Grumpy Central

Scared of Chives has just sent me a website where you can moan about something street-related in your area and they'll pass it onto the council for you.

Fix My Street is aimed at those irritating things that make life a little more annoying - loose paving stones, dumped mattresses, duff streetlights etc. If you type in "SE10," you'll see a lot of the like, usually with a little note saying how many minutes it took Fix My Street to alert the council about the issue.

Thing is, I've found it takes the same few minutes to alert Cleansweep directly, and, as far as I can see from Fix My Street's SE10 entries (which mainly seem to be on the Peninsula, for some reason) they have about the same level of success as I've had with direct contact. Some things are fixed, some are ignored, some are old, some are ongoing. Fix My Street alert the council - but don't, as far as I can see, follow anything up - it's up to the individual concerned. So if that's the case - why not just cut out the middle-site and go straight to the council?

I guess it's another thorn in the council's side, and a slightly more public one than an email to Cleansweep. And perhaps the reason why most of the alerts seem to be on the peninsula is that Cleansweep tends to be open during office hours when most of the people in MV are at work, and at least a website never closes (though an email is eventually sent into exactly the same ether...)

Has anyone used Fix My Street and found it to be more effective than the Council's own alert-system? I am prepared to hear that it's brilliant - in which case I'll add it to the links section...

Driving Instructors

It's been some time since I learned to drive, so when Sheila asked if I had any suggestions (apart from the usual chains) for local driving instructors, I was a bit stumped. Has anyone learned to drive recently with someone who was worth recommending?

Wedding Planners

I can't believe I just typed that title. Wedding Planners are a breed who creep the hell out of me. Hence the gap in the Phantom Weddings Section that Brian and Ruth have discovered.

I'm a hands-on kinda Phantom and I have never 'got' the concept of 'planners,' wedding or otherwise. But Brian and Ruth need suggestions for someone to work with, preferably based in Greenwich, so I'm asking you. Have you used a planner for your Happy Event? Were they any cop?

Yeouch!

Akanksha asks:

"Do you know of any good beauty places that I could possibly get my eyebrows threaded in Greenwich please?"

The Phantom replies:
Hmm. This one's not quite my area, 'fraid - far too much pain involved...

Anita at House of Beauty (Blackheath Therapy Centre, 184-186 Westcombe Hill, 020 8305 1719) does eyebrow shaping, I believe, but threading is quite a specialist thing, I don't know if she does that.

Maybe someone can recommend a threading-person, while I shut my ears and say "la,la,la...can't hear you," very loudly.

WiFi For Nothing And The Chips For Free

James, clearly in the spirit of the times, asks:

"I was wondering if you have come across free WiFi access anywhere in Greenwich?"

You know, James - this one is similar to the karaoke question last week. I have seen signs for free WiFi, but I'm darned if I can remember where. A nagging voice at the back of my mind says Trafalgar Road - perhaps at Sonia's Deli and Cafe, a few doors up from the William IV, but I can't swear to it.

Come to think of it I'm pretty sure that the bar in the Picturehouse has it too, but I can't find any reference to it on their website.

But here's an interesting thing I just found which might be helpful, if you can bear the odd ad and a rather slow speed, which operates between Millbank and Greenwich...

Electricians

Dunders asks:

"Any suggestions for a local reliable electrician?"

The Phantom replies:

I'm throwing this out to the floor, as although I've called in three different electricians in the past four or five years, and although none of them have been actively bad, none of them were so wonderful I'd wholeheartedly recommend them. So - any suggestions, guys?

Satellite Dishes

Dave has decided to get himself SKY HD - but he's run into a problem...

"As my dish is located at the rear of the house (my area has a preservation order, so nothing on the front) the only access is over the roof.

It seems that Sky now have "Health & Safety" rules which prevents their engineers going on to roofs so I would like to know if any "Phantomites" know of a reliable installation company."

The Phantom finds it mildly surprising that a company specialising in dishes that go on roofs won't insure its employees to actually install them on one, but perhaps that shows more about the society we live in these days. (bring back the child chimney sweeps, that's what I say...)

I asked a pal who has just had an aerial installed where they went to and for the life of them they can't remember (though the most ringing endorsement they had for the company was "Well, it hasn't fallen down yet..." so perhaps you can do better.)

So I'm opening this one out to the floor. Have you had an aerial (or SKY dish) fitted recently? I know that erecting them in this area is often quite a bugger as we're the 'wrong' side of Greenwich Hill, so in order to get a clear signal from Crystal Palace, we need to have aerials almost as tall as the mast itself, so anyone who regularly works in this area must know how to secure things pretty darn well.

Happy HD Dave...

Car Mechanics Again

We've been here before, but sometime's it's worth revisiting. Alison has moved down from the North West where she's been used to paying between £80 - £100 to have her car serviced and is a bit shocked at the quote she's just had for £240. She's wondering if anyone can recommend somewhere that's good and not too pricey.

I've just had my car serviced and it cost me £236.30, which I'm afraid, Alison, I think is pretty much par for the course down here. Of course, it's possible that I'm being ripped off, but the very fact that you've been quoted nearly the same amount as I've just paid makes me think it's about right.

My mechanic is an old family friend and sadly isn't taking any new customers on (not, I suspect, that you;d be particularly interested at that price...) - can anyone suggest any good people for Alison?

In the meanwhile, I thought you might like a sneaky peek at the Phat Phantom-Mobile, parked in its special residents parking bay outside the Phantom Apartment...*


*Not really...

Selling Up...

...buying down.

Jonathan's considering the unthinkable. Leaving.

"I am looking at selling my flat in Greenwich at the Anchor Iron Wharf development to move in with my partner who lives in Sydenham. Not the best time to sell, I know, and if my flat was bigger we would probably moving here."

(Is it really that small? I know you're young and in love - but - hell - this is Greenwich...TGP)

"Now, I know nothing about estate agents having never sold a property before and having bought my property (initially) through a key worker, part-buy, part rent deal, so I was wondering if you could ask your readership for any recommendations based upon past experiences with local estate agents? Can you help?"

The Phantom replies:

I'm not sure I should be helping you with this, J - but I guess that when True Love beckons, even Sydenham doesn't seem so bad.

But to Estate Agents. I don't like to recommend any of them, frankly, but if you've got to use one, I'd say stay local - they specialise and know the area. The only truly local one left, now that James Johnston have gone over to the Dark Side and joined a national, is John Payne (as far as I know - am I wrong on this?) They're not all nice in there - one particularly snooty individual in a branch I won't name took one look at me and told me there would be nothing in my price range (I hadn't actually told her a price at that point...) but all the other people in the company bent over backwards to help and I think on the whole they are very good (as estate agents go...)

Of the others - and there seem to be utterly hundreds of them (including the very oily-named 'Property Wealth' - am I the only one that thinks that name sucks?) - I don't really know. Perhaps everyone else can chip in here?

I shall be sorry to lose you, Jonathan...

Going Postal

Sorry. Couldn't resist the dreadful local newspaper-worthy title.

Anonymous is wondering:

" If anyone else has experienced postal problems lately in the Greenwich area?

We've had lots and lots of items go astray over the past few weeks (and indeed over the past few years) some of which were rather important.

It's also difficult to ascertain just how much isn't being delivered when you've not actually posted it. Anyone else have the same problem?"

The Phantom replies:

Join the queue, Anon. My mail over the last six months or so has gone from poor to appalling. I've regularly had letters for my next door neighbours (both sides,) letters for my house number in two neighbouring streets, and even totally random mail for different areas of Greenwich. Sometimes it's entire batches of mail, not just single letters. It's clearly been happening the other way round, too, as I get people putting my mail through my door, or even knocking, to let me know it's arrived (and have a moan at the same time.)

I used to have a lovely postie - I knew his name and chatted whenever we met. He gave a great service - to the point where he actually deserved a Christmas box. He got moved because, he told me, that they don't like postmen to get too friendly with customers. Presumably because they'd get to know where people live and actually deliver to the right house - or, heaven help them, stop to chat and add five minutes to the round. Could it be Health & Safety - if the postie actually knows his clients he might stop to help an old lady up the path, slip himself and get a work-related injury? I have no idea - but I bet it's something mad like that.

The latest wheeze seems to be writing out the "while you were out..." forms whilst still in the depot and popping them through the letterbox, saving the bother of having to actually carry a parcel to the door. This has happened to me several times when I was actually in - and once when I was right behind the door, so I KNOW the guy didn't knock, but just walked up and slipped the note through.

Annoyingly, that time, I merely noted that mail had arrived and didn't see the 'while you were out" form or I'd have run down the road and called his bluff. I ended up trekking to the sorting office three times in one week - twice being for someone else as they are just never home when the sorting office is actually open.

No, Anon, it's not just you. It's a rubbish 'service.' And don't even get me started on the post office in Woolwich Road...

Bah.

Unique Collections

Trevor asks:

"Wonder if you can tell me what has happened to the little toy/model shop that used to be near the Cutty Sark along Greenwich Church St and whether theres any info on its history on your website - I remember the shop being there on a school trip to the Cutty Sark back in 1982 and I've always popped in when ive visited Greenwich ever since - to me it became as much of a Greenwich landmark as the Cutty Sark itself. Unfortunately after a trip to Greenwich yesterday I was saddened to see that it seems to have been replaced by a toddlers clothing shop."

The Phantom replies:

I think you mean Unique Collections- a wonderfully dusty old toy and medal shop - it sold firemen's helmets and ancient medals alongside dinky toys and model Thunderbirds, and it seemed to be located in another century.

Sadly, it pretty much was - it closed in, I believe, somewhere around 2003/4 if memory serves. I was deeply saddened to see it go - and unable to get much excited by its replacement. But such is life. I don't know the full story of what happened - I suspect it's the familiar tale of rising rents and falling customer base. I am sure that someone here will know what happened who can dish the dirt...

HOWEVER. I have been doing some digging and I have found that they are still going, albeit online these days. So if you're trying to find that extra special dinky toy, tin soldier or model robot, try visiting their website. You can even visit them by appointment - though they're in Chipstead, Surrey, these days...

Trusted Tradespeople

Sorry about the hiatus yesterday folks - sometimes the whole Internet thing is beyond me.

Back today though, with sundry items gleaned from my pleasingly, if embarrassingly full, virtual mail bag. Apologies once again if I haven't got to your question/comment/suggestion yet - I AM getting through them, I promise...

First off, two items that arrived in the same mail delivery. One from a local tradesman wanting to be included in The Phantom's Black Book of Trusted Tradespeople. I get these requests increasingly and each time I explain how it works - that because it's not a listings page, but a personal recommendations section, I have some very tough criteria for getting into it.

It was pretty much the same answer I gave to Kate, who is from the other side of the problem - someone looking for trusted tradespeople and who is sad that the list isn't longer.

So I thought I'd remind you guys about the page - and ask for contributions, however tough I might make it for you to do so...

My criteria for getting into the Black Book are these:

1) That they have done an excellent job - not just a bog-standard or an acceptable one.

2) That the work has been done either for me, my personal friends (hey - it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to...) or people who comment regularly (non-anonymously) on the blog - those lovely people who take the trouble to read and say something often enough for me to know who they are.

My reasons are simple. Although the Golden Rule is always caveat emptor, really amazing tradespeople deserve to be recommended and if you're like Kate, who's newly arrived in the area, or you're new to getting people in to do stuff, you can make some horrific mistakes (believe me, I speak from experience.) There are dozens of listings pages online - but they're usually paid-for adverts. I like to think that people read this blog because it's personal. I want the Black Book to be personal too.

If you're a tradesperson included in my page, it is not because you've been cold-called by someone offering to make it look like you've been 'specially chosen' or has told you that you've 'won an award' - you won't have paid a penny to be included.

I would rather have a really short list with just a few brilliant people on it, than a comprehensive manual with no quality control.

On the other hand, if there's someone incredible out there, I want to know about them. The guy who contacted me this morning, landscape gardener Jon Stoller's work looks stunning from his website - and he tells me he has a long list of satisfied customers and references. The mere fact that he contacted me makes me warm to him (aw, c'mon, I can be flattered like everyone else...) But I have to treat everyone the same if I want the page to be any kind of use at all. So - if you've had a garden created by Jon and you thought he was great, please tell me. Ditto other tradespeople. Drop me an email - I'd love to hear from you.

And please don't be sore because I've made it so hard. You'll thank me if you ever come to need someone...

Tattoo-You

A brave Har-Gibeng asks:

"I am keen to get any inside Phantom knowledge on the tattoo palour on Trafalgar Rd, near the Tesco Metro. Any reviews good or bad? Friendly?"

The Phantom replies:

Ooooh - what'cha going to get? I think you should get a nice tattoo of General Wolfe's Statue on your belly so that you can make the Phantom 'dance'....

Seriously? I'm afraid I don't know, though I always have a peek in whenever I go by (fab tiles outside, it, aren't there...) It is all wonderfully gothic-looking with a Sweeney Todd (blush) chair and everything, and it's been there for years, which at least means that no one's sued them out of business. It slightly bothers me that if you were really so inclined it seems you could stand outside and watch - I'd want it done in private (mainly so no one could see me crying) but then I guess you have to be a bit of an exhibitionist to get a tattoo done in the first place ;-)

It looks absolutely fine - but to be honest I really haven't a clue.

Can anyone help Har-Gibeng? Do you have any experience of the tattoo shop? Tell me all about it.

Laundry

Katja asks:

"Can you or anyone else recommend laundry/dry cleaning services in Greenwich, which do duvets as well?"

The Phantom replies:

I can never quite remember what it's called (I think it's something original like "Greenwich Dry Cleaners") but the one along Woolwich Road, opposite the old hospital site is the one I always go to. The guy can often be seen sitting in the window, doing repairs on his ancient sewing machine, a large rack of colourful reels of thread behind him. He has never done anything other than a very good job on my dry cleaning and duvets, though, bless him, I always say hello and he never remembers who the hell I am, despite my being a regular. No matter. He's friendly and his prices are good. Never tried his repairs, but he seems to be popular. He must get terribly hot in there - it's South-facing and those places are warm at the best of times.

I had a miserable time the day I decided to get some pillows done on a service wash at The Launderette in Trafalgar Road. I don't recommend it. A shame, since it looks like something out of Eastenders and I was hoping to have found a gem.

Anyone else got a pet dry cleaners?

Little Green Space

Now as you know, I'm not in the habit of doing promotions for companies - old or new - I consider that to be the job of the free mags - but I'm making an exception just this once, not least because the founder, Richard Campbell, has come up with an offer I can't refuse, neatly circumventing my 'no ads' rule...

Little Green Space is just two days old - a local company that plants up lovely window boxes for instant Spring loveliness. I am a big fan of fab front gardens (as you may have noticed) and anything that makes Greenwich look nicer as I walk through it is good by me. It doesn't matter whether you've got a giant front garden or no garden at all, I am yet to find someone who doesn't have windows...

They deliver ready-planted window boxes, (or a colourful tub) so even if your fingers are any shade of the rainbow except green, you too can have a place that would be worthy of a Phantom Favourite Front Garden...

So - to Richard Campbell's idea. He's offered to give a window box away free to a local place that needs cheering up - a charity, group, elderly folks' home - that sort of thing.

So I thought I'd ask you - do you have any ideas for somewhere that would like such a sweet gift? Check out their website www.littlegreenspace.com and let me know...

Thai Massage

A real toughie here. Rico asks:

"I have scoured the internet but can't find any practitioners doing traditional Thai massage in the Greenwich area. Greenwich Natural Health Centre on Royal Hill seem the most likely place, but they do not appear to offer Thai masage, which is the particular kind I am after. Do you know of anywhere?"

The Phantom has burned shoe leather on this one.

I confess I had to actually ask what made a Thai massage any different from other sorts of massage (getting a most interesting - and graphic - response from one friend - actions, everything...) Sounds like something worth trying at least once, but I can't see you managing to do it round here. I have been to all the usual alternative therapy-type suspects I could think of and drawn a blank. I've asked around, looked in complimentary-healthy-style leaflets and done an internet trawl. I've found several people saying they'd like to try one - but no one who actually does it. Maybe, just maybe, one of you knows.

In the meanwhile, I apologise in advance for whatever ads Google comes up with down the side of this post...

Tilers

I've just found a question in my Spam folder that I'd totally missed. Sorry Simon - hope it's better late than never...

He asks:

Any experience of any good tilers in the Greenwich areas for straight-forward bathroom and kitchen work?

The Phantom doesn't have any specific suggestions - the only time I had someone else do some tiling for me, it was part of a package. It was ok but nothing to write home about. But maybe someone else has a suggestion?

The Phantom's Little Black Book

I am always being asked for the names of really excellent tradespeople in Greenwich. So, due to popular demand, I've decided to create The Phantom's Little Black Book - a specifically non-exhaustive weblist of people that have either done exceptional work for me, my friends, or people I really trust. And I'm looking for entries now.

I'm not interested in just doing a list of services that people think 'aren't too bad,' or that just 'did the job.' I want the tradespeople that go that extra mile - the guys you can really put your hand on your heart and say you would recommend to your best friend. I don't care how short the list is as long as, hopefully, it's a worthwhile one.

I'm afraid I'm just about to be a bit exclusive now though. In order to make this work (and so I don't get any dodgy builders sending me glowing recommendations for themselves) I've had to make up a few rules and, newbies, you may get the hump with me at this point.

At the moment, "people I really trust" means those lovely folk who regularly contribute, non-anonymously, to The Phantom's daily blog.

You know who you are. Those of you who put your heads above the parapet and say stuff here on a regular basis. I don't mean real names, of course - just those people who, albeit with a nickname, have a presence here and I can feel I 'know.' Sadly, of course, "Anon" just doesn't cut it...

Tradespeople will be included at my whim, and all will carry the warning that just because they've done good work for me or someone I know doesn't mean they're going to be any good for you. Caveat Emptor...

The site will go live very soon. Look out, too, for the long-promised links section and a somewhat tongue-in-cheek FAQs page. Do let me know what you think. And if you have any suggestions for truly excellent entries, I'd be delighted to hear from you at the usual address...

Bathroom Companies

Peaches asks:

Does anyone know of a good local bathroom design company? We've had a few astronomical quotes and are looking for something a bit more reasonable…..

The Phantom replies:

I have often found that the real money goes on the 'design' and 'project management' parts of the process in pretty much every area of redecoration. If you're prepared to get out a piece of paper and a pencil, do a few calculations, a little bit of research and take on talking and organising individual tradespeople, you can do it for a fraction of the cost of a company that takes on the entire 'project.'

It's what I generally do - it's just a case of making lists, getting recommendations for individual specialists - plasterers, plumbers, tilers etc and making careful arrangements. The only drawback I've found is that it tends to take a little longer (a lot longer if you're very unlucky) as you have to book workmen in advance and if one lets you down, the whole chain collapses (that is what you pay a project manager for - to be a rottweiler on your behalf.) But if you can afford the time, the upside is that the money you save on administrators you can plough into the chinaware, so the whole thing looks better.

One place that I found good for discount bathroom-ware is JEM, in the Angerstein trading park, on the peninsula. (squeezed in between See Woo and what used to be the quad-bike shop under the flyover. The rest of it seems to be catering supplies and bucket shops.) Don't expect obsequious servitude - it's a showroom - you wander round and ask questions and that's it. But the prices are good and the range not bad at all. There always used to be an ad in the local paper saying if you asked for various blokes (I can't remember, but try John, Dave, Bill - something generic like that) you'd get a further discount.

Water-loo by Hither Green Station isn't bad either. I ended up buying my bathroom-ware at Raymac in Welling; sadly if you really want to get something cheap, leg-work is a necessary part of the gig. There are about three discount tile-sheds in close proximity along the road that goes to ASDA in Charlton, and, first left off that road, going from towards Charlton from the Peninsula, there is a glass company that cuts all kinds of glass and mirrors to size. There's also a posh bathroom fittings shop, H2O in Charlton Road.

I'm afraid I can't help you with all-in companies. There are dozens of them around - just look in the free magazines - maybe someone can recommend somewhere...

Car Mechanics

One to throw out to the floor today, folks.

Ruth asks:

Need to get my car MOT'ed. Any recommendations for a good reliable garage in Greenwich/Blackheath? Ideally an independent chappy.

The phantom replies:

Since I've been going to the same chap near where my Dad lives for years and years, which involves a longish drive, I can't help you on this one, Ruth. But someone here is going to be able to...

Blackheath Batteries

Westcombe Hill, SE3

I didn't really need to buy a new car battery. In fact, strike the "really" bit of that last sentence. I didn't need one at all. But I did want to poke around the mews behind the shops at the top of Westcombe Hill. I just can't resist entrances to other worlds, however workaday they might appear.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered that a friend was having problems with his battery so I marched through the entrance, past the dog-eared sandwich board, cobbles beneath my feet, into the little back yard that must have once sounded to clip-clop rather than vroom-vroom.

To be honest, it's difficult to really get much of an idea of how this little brick-built jumble must have looked when it was workshops and stables, there are so many parked cars and white vans squeezed in there. Problem is, it tends to get locked up at any time when they're not parked in there, totally hidden by thick rusty gates. But it's neat, freshly-painted and remarkably quiet for somewhere that must have all kinds of interesting small businesses tucked away in there, quietly beavering away at whatever they do.

I walked into Blackheath Batteries, my usual carapace of nochalence, reserved specially for dealing with teeth-sucking mechanics, buttoned firmly down. Several gents of almost sterotypcial car-parts-dealer appearance were standing around in anoraks, drinking orange tea and 'having a laugh.' Gulp.

I asked my question, quite proud that I actually remembered the make and model of my pal's car - not a given in the Phantom universe. And then was stunned. They listened to me. No, they didn't have the battery I was after - it was an unusual one that needs to be sourced from the manufacturer - but they weren't going to let me go that easily. How old was it? ("errrr....") How many miles had it done? ("umm....") How often was it started in this month? That month? Maybe my mate should try this. Or that. Don't do that because it doesn't work, whatever the AA man tells you. Get a new battery only as a last resort after you've tried all that because that sort are really expensive...

These guys knew they weren't going to make a sale out of me. They'd already told me they didn't stock the item I was after. But they still wanted to help. They spent time thinking about and discussing the problem, giving me advice (some of which I might even remember) and not sucking through their teeth once.

I am impressed by this old-school, friendly local business. Forget Kwik-Fit and all those other chains. Visit guys who know what they're talking about and actually give a damn.

Valerie Dressmaker

The Village, Charlton, SE7

A tiny, hidden gem today, nestled in the shadow of Charlton House. I don't get to go east instead of south or north as much as I would like but I noticed this curious little store during a night-time visit to The Big House and have taken this long to get back during daylight hours to check it out when the shutters are up.

It's a quaint, old-fashioned wool and haberdashery shop - Andrekabu - sit up straight at the back there - which sells all manner of fabric-y frippery, knitting nonsense and novelty notions that are nigh-on impossible to find in this neck of the woods.

There's a lot of wool. The whole of one wall is covered in shelves full of different types of knitting yarn, patterns pinned and pegged around the edges, jostling with printed tapestry kits. Actually, there isn't a spare spot of wall left, after all the drawers of buttons, boxes of trimmings, trays of greetings cards, wheels of glass-headed pins, racks of ribbon and spools of thread. Tiny tubes of ribbon rosebuds, minute buttons for dollies' clothes, cards of elastic and piles of Vilene. Not much of any one particular thing, but a wide range of types of thing. And following the long tradition of these shops stocking wedding and party paraphernalia, nestled among the reels of cotton and lengths of lace, lie satin gloves and diamante tiaras. By the door, in between the knitting patterns for bootees and lengths of bobble-trimming for 1970s lampshades hang several garish feather boas.

Do you know that bit in Alice Through The Looking Glass where she visits the sheep's shop? she can see through her peripheral vision that the shop is choc-a-bloc, but when she tries to focus on any one shelf it seems to be empty. I sort of get that feeling in this place. As I write this, in my mind's eye, it is jammed with glass cabinets full of fake flower corsages, bargain bins full of remnants and shelves-to-the-ceiling full of intriguing-looking brown cardboard boxes with ageing tissue paper-wappings peeking out from their lids, but when I try to think of any one specific place, the vision becomes hazy.

What isn't hazy is the middle-aged lady in a nylon housecoat sitting at an ancient sewing machine at the back. This, I presume, is the titular Valerie, and although she will stop her sewing to help you, she doesn't immediately do so - you are left to browse, something I appreciate. She tells me that she does alterations and makes clothes to order - a handy little thing to remember, though she is adamant she is a dressmaker, rather than a tailor.

I was surprised to find this little place - somewhere well worth remembering when you need those funny little things that nowhere else will sell. More like something out of Wallace & Gromit than a London suburb, its just the kind of store that needs to be cherished. It's right in the middle of Charlton Village, which means a bus ride if you don't drive, but worth it just for the novelty value - and a chat with Valerie...

They Work For You

I have been meaning to talk about this for so long that it almost seems like old news - but hey - I just got round to it. I have to say you haven't missed much in the months I prevaricated though...

It's called http://www.theyworkforyou.com/ and it's a service where you can send messages to your MP -among other things, and sign up for an email notification every time they speak in the House. Ours is Nick Raynsford, of course, and I can guarantee you're not going to get inundated with emails. Most of them consist of comments of the "Hear, hear" variety and disclosures of interest whenever new-build housing is mentioned.

Still, I guess he is at least telling us about his chairmanship of the Construction Industry Council and the National Housebuilding Council, disclosure not being a common thing in the government just now. Just don't expect any support for objections to new-builds in the area...

The site logs all kinds of things about our MPs - from the important - how many times Our Nick spoke in parliament (average), replied to written questions (well below average) voted (above average,) - to the frivolous - did you know he used three-word alliterative phrases ('she sells sea-shells') 533 times in debates last year - well above, apparently, the national average.

There you go - something to be proud of...

East Greenwich Traders Association

How VERY weird!

I have just actually found the website for East Greenwich Traders Association - though the link they sent me - despite its being the correct address - took me directly to the Central Greenwich version. Not sure what went wrong there - but chances are if they sent the same press release to everyone else, they might want to check that the address works...

So - ignore my earlier post - unless you fancy commenting on what we call parts of Greenwich. Make sure you actually type in www.livegreenwich.co.uk and find a really cool new website (better, if I may say so) than the central version. With drawings by Greenwich's own Peter Kent it tells us not just about the shops and services but a bit of history and cultural stuff about East Greenwich too - mainly in link-form.

A fab website. Hopefully it will help to encourage more good-quality shops into the East.

Dog Training

Lorna asks:

Do you or your readers have any advice on whether there are any dog training classes in Greenwich? I'm preparing in advance for the arrival of the retired greyhound we are hoping to rehome at the end of the year!

The Phantom replies:

This is one to throw out to the floor. I haven't a clue, I'm afraid, Lorna, but congratulations on giving one of these sad creatures a home. I hope you have many happy years together...

Hi- Yaa!!

Greenwich Mutiny asks:

Can any of those folks in the know recommend a children's class for Kung Fu/Karate?

The Phantom replies:

I cannot begin to tell you just how many ways this is not a question for me. But I bet there's someone out there who can help you.

Davy's Wine Vaults

161 Greenwich High Road, SE10

Tucked away the "wrong" side of the station, I bet this little gem gets missed by the majority of tourists. The snob in me avoided it for a while because it was a chain (albeit one that's been going since 1870) but it seems I've been missing out.

It looks so olde-worlde-cute that I had to ask if the decor was actually genuine. Apparently it is - and if it has been 'enhanced,' I buy it. The lady behind the bar told me that it was originally a wholesalers and the sloping floor (which is still sprinkled with sawdust - don't let your coat touch the floor or you'll have some very interesting 'dandruff' when you leave) was so that the barrels could be rolled around more easily. The floor's rakish stance does mean that some of the simple candlelit tables and Windsor chairs are at an interesting angle - but you could always put it down to the number of pints of Davy's Old Wallop, served in pewter tankards, you've had...

To one side of the main bar, there's an old booth, that would have been used for making tallies and taking orders - there appears to be a little office in there now. Barrels are strategically placed, and there is a display of old bottles lit with a low light. It's all very Dickensian - though more Mr Micawber than Bill Sykes, judging from the prices these days...

What's really lovely about this place are all the nooks and crannies - little private areas and odd corners, often very dimly lit indeed. There are several tables just for a very few people, allowing private tete-a-tetes and intimate groups, as well as bigger tables in an adjoining room. Outside there is a yard with some old barrels and seating, which is good for a sunny day, but, considering the weather that's just arrived, will soon only be fit for the most hardened smoker.

You have to step down into the bar, so I was surprised when the lady told me there was a series of function rooms underneath it, which can be hired. They have a separate entrance, so it's not just like hiring the back room of a pub - and you get the whole floor to yourself.

Being underground, there's no natural light of course, but the plan follows a similar pattern to upstairs so are several small/medium/largish labyrinthine rooms which open into each other. They are dimly lit which makes it all very mysterious, and you can decorate them as you wish (nothing permanent, ok?) and there is a funky sound system which will take your ipod. There are also some simple conference facilities - when I sneaked a peek there was a screen and projector set up in one of the rooms, with a flip chart and desks.

If your party's quite small, you can choose to just use one or two of the rooms, though the price is the same however much you use. It's £ 200 per night, which includes staff and the opening of the fully-stocked bar downstairs (the bar itself is fab - looking like a merchant's chest, with dozens of wooden drawers built into it.) There are various menus - from canape to buffet - obviously at extra cost.

I think it would be best for winter celebrations (Christmas would be ideal) as it is very dark and cosy - I'd miss the sun in summer. The only celebrations they're not too keen on are 18th and 21st birthdays as they've had trouble in the past and there can be problems with underage drinking.

But back to the wine bar. They have a large wine list, but I confess I must have chosen poorly. I had a glass of White Burgundy (with which I generally can't go wrong) which was the 'best' of the wines by the glass. Writing now, almost a week later, I can't actually remember anything at all about it - it had very little aroma - or even taste. It wasn't awful - but I would have expected better for £ 5.95.

Davy's do wine tastings on an occasional basis. I will endeavour to visit one (the things I go through for this blog, eh. Darling, it's hell - but someone has to do it...) and report back. The other thing that requires an entry by itself is the separate Davy's Wine Shop just round the corner - but that's also for another day.

Post Shop

Greenwich High Road SE10

I know it's been open for a couple of months now, but it's taken me this long to get around to actually needing to post a letter from the main office - sorry Post 'Shop' in Greenwich High Road.

Gone are the grey carpets, gloomy outlook and sullen staff behind grimy counters, arrived is a slightly odd mix of newsagents, groceries and stationery supplies - of the office variety - photocopier paper, box files, in-trays and bubble wrap. The actual post office is right at the back, with new, open counters and cheery staff - but one thing hasn't changed.

The queues. One, giant Queue of Doom, in fact, snaking through the stationery isles, finally fizzling out about halfway down the store's length. So that's where all the people that have mysteriously disappeared from Woolwich Road have gone. I only had a letter to send but it took a good fifteen minutes to get to the front.

My only compensation was the jolly man who served me. An absolute joy, he was friendly, articulate and very helpful indeed. And as I left I got a happy smile from the lady at the desk too. I'm easily pleased...

On a different note, Geoff, our postman, who is the living embodiment of that Viz character Postman Plod the Miserable Sod, but of whom I'm rather fond, tells me that he's going on strike on Friday. I'm glad he warned me. I might not have noticed otherwise...

Does anyone else not get their post before 4.00pm at the earliest on a Friday?

Acupuncture

Laura asks:

"Phantom, I wonder if you could ask if anyone has had any experience of the Greenwich Natural Health centre based in Royal Hill, in particular the acupuncture side of things?"

The Phantom Replies:

I'm sure someone has - but it ain't me. Eurgh. Needles (The Phantom comes over all woozy and has to have a cup of weak tea and a lie-down)

Handymen

Donovan says:

Aaargh, I'm trying to fit new lights, and whoever the coyboy (do you mean cowboy - or was he really coy? ;-) I have a fabulous image of a blushing bodger...TGP) was that did the conversion in my flat way back in those crazy 90s wired up the circuit in his own special way. To say I was an amateur would be overstating my understanding of electricals, but I thought that just copying what was there might work. Lo and behold, no it doesn't. Thusly, and with further ado, I have rendered my flat a dingy cave and am in need of a good local handyman to sort out my foolishness. Any recommendations?

The Phantom commiserates:

Are you really down to candles? If you look at the back pages of The Westcombe News there always seem to be handymen advertised there, though I can't recommend anyone as the last person I got in was definitely a cowboy (no blushes - he was a brazen bodger...)

Just because they're advertised in the Westcombe News doesn't make them good - so do check credentials and make sure you get them to give you references (I speak from bitter experience.) Better still someone here might be able to give you an actual name.

It occurs to me that if you're doing electrical work you may also have the added headache of having to get a qualified electrician - the law changed last year which means that you either have to get a qualified spark or a certificate from the local authority that says your own work is up to scratch (possibly quite difficult to obtain just at the moment under the circumstances...)It's a real pain and yet another example of Nanny State.

There is definitely a big call for GOOD handymen/builders etc - and an awful lot of bad ones around. I wish I could be more helpful.

Thames Clipper

Commuter Service

It's the one form of public transport no one remembers - yet it's only recently fallen from favour. For centuries it was the quickest way to get around town, and it's still the most civilised. I'm not talking about the pleasure boats here - though I'm going to do a trip soon, just for the kick of it - I'm talking about the river bus, designed for and used by people going to work each day.

I have been meaning to join a commuter clipper at rush hour for some time now - and yesterday I actually managed it. I took a train to London Bridge and walked to Bankside Pier (just outside the Globe Theatre.) The little booth was shut (of course) and the signs seemed to imply that everything stopped at 4.30pm. That surely couldn't be right? But the place was empty and there was no traffic at all on the river. It's all part of the British Tourist Disinformation Service, clearly.

I was just about to give up when I saw a determined-looking guy with a briefcase striding down to the deserted platform. He clearly knew what he was doing so I hung around. A minute or two later, a small launch appeared up river and suddenly half a dozen people with briefcases materialised out of nowhere. Perhaps it's uncool to be seen queueing if you're one of that elite band The River-Rovers...

It's all very matey. A jolly chap in shirtsleeves hooks a rope over a bollard, and the boat bumps gently into the row of tractor tyres against the pier. He holds the launch close to the edge and greets you as you enter. A jolly young conductor in a suit and tie welcomes you aboard. In fact it's all - well - jolly.

And that gives me a great idea. I'll Make A Million. I can just see it now. I'll pitch it to CBeebies as a new TV programme for the under-fives - Jim and Ben the ClipperMen. Jim and Ben will be made out of foam rubber and will have merry stop-motion animated tales helping the commuters of London get to work. There would never be anything so uncivilised as terrorists or srikes on something as civilised as the Thames Clipper, of course. Perhaps one day a kitten will get stuck on a branch in the river or a naughty thief will try to steal a big diamond from the Savoy. Jim and Ben will come to the rescue. There's a hit Christmas single in it too-

(-that's enough children's TV - Ed)

So I got on board. Many of the seats were already taken by people with laptops or reading the paper. (Yes, London Lite has permeated even here. Whatever next? The Reform Club, perhaps?) No one was paying any attention to the view, except a couple of EXTREMELY fat tourists who kept complaining about how small the seats were (they were fine.)

Mind you, to be honest there wasn't much view to be had. The boat sat low in the water and the windows were so filthy with spray that it reminded me of buses in the 1970s whose windows were so caked with dirt you couldn't actually tell where you were. But this is the River. It's to be expected. And if you're not looking for detail there's still plenty to be seen - and from an angle you wouldn't normally get to view London from.

The river bus stops a lot more than I had expected. There is an express service, but being a rank beginner, I couldn't work out when it was. The website does help - but of course I hadn't bothered consulting it first. The commuter service goes all the way to Woolwich but it doesn't stop at the Dome - you have to get the designated "O2 Express for that." Jim comes round to clip your ticket - ever wondered what happened to the bus conductors of Olde London Town? They're on the river, folks.

I was surprised by how many people got on and off at each stop. The clipper really did fill up (though we are talking about 5.30pm - bang in the middle of the rush hour) and it seemed to be with people that do this every day. It takes longer - about 40 minutes from Bankside to Greenwich - and costs a bit more - £ 4, or £ 2.70 if you've got a travelcard, but you get a seat, people are polite and it's a much more visceral experience. You bob about on the water, you see curious and interesting things through the murky glass (it's not that bad, honest) and, cheesy though it may sound, you get a sense of continuity with the millions of Londoners who have used the river for the last thousand or so years. Besides - you get to meet Jim and Ben... And that view of Greenwich as the boat turns the bend in the river is one that I will never tire of. The Naval College, the Observatory on the hill - even the poor old Cutty Sark in her undies - wonderful.

As we were approaching Greenwich, Jim - or was it Ben - brought round newsletters for everyone. Apparently they've just taken delivery of four fab new vessels which will be much bigger and higher (better views, too, I hope) and will have cafes and bars. They're also expecting to expand the service. It read a bit like gobbledegook to me who was on the service for the first time, but what it boils down to seems to be including the Dome (oops, O2) from November and to be more frequent at peak times.

Give it a try, folks. And look out for those new launches - from the pics, they look damn fine.

http://www.thamesclippers.com/

Builders

It's the age-old problem that we still haven't solved yet. M32 is STILL looking for a decent, reliable builder to do some roofing, door-replacement stuff and the last time we discussed this all we could come up with was no-nos. I had some friends hoping to do just about everything to their house, and I was going to report back, but I'm sad to say that they haven't even reached first base yet - they can't even find an architect! The concept of "builder" is a distant dream.

So - I'm asking once more - can anyone recommend a decent builder in this area or has Greenwich turned into Dodge City?

Societies

Dennis asks:

I was wondering whether you knew of any neighbourhood or residents' associations in downtown Greenwich?

The Phantom replies:

I've been meaning to do a links page for ages - but in the meanwhile here are a few local groups. I'm not commenting on any of them here; merely listing them.

I'm sure I'm going to miss a few, so feel free to chip-in, folks...

The Greenwich Society

The Blackheath Society

The Charlton Society

The Friends of East Greenwich Pleasaunce

The Friends of Greenwich Park

Park Vista Area Residents Association

The Westcombe Society

Prime Time Video

Blackheath

I made a huge faux pas the other day. Admittedly it was a Sunday morning and I'm never at my perkiest then, but this was stupidity of monumental proportions.

I went into the video shop opposite the station and was bowled over. My feet stepped onto sumptuous dark red carpet, my eyes feasted on a simple but elegant store layout and lit up at the sight of interesting stock (though it seemed a little emptier than it could be - not sure what that was about - unless they'd had a busy Saturday night.)

It was like walking into an old cinema - clearly the desired effect. Splendid fake friezes in deco style of cinematic tableaux, curved stairways leading to different areas of the shop, fab subtle lighting - even with dark red ropes on brass stands dividing areas - it was just really beautifully laid out and I was excited. A closer look at the DVDs on offer (I didn't have time to check out the videos - which appeared to be being sold off) revealed a good selection of oldies and arthouse as well as the usual blockbusters, rom-coms and action movies.

And here comes the stupidity. I suggested to the guy at the desk they open a store in Greenwich. Of course he told me they'd just shut a shop in Greenwich. DUH...

One look at the name of the shop and it all came flooding back - as did a rather fetching tomato colour to my face. Prime Time Video. Of course. I even wrote about it. I just hadn't connected this sophisticated, beautiful place to wander round and enjoy for its own sake with the scruffy old video shop that just closed in what has to be Greenwich's worst shopping centre (next door to that dodgy old Somerfields and sundry other dead shops.)

What on earth made them open up there? Why did Blackheath get the luxury treatment and Greenwich the bargain basement? Maybe it's one of those classic Greenwich/Blackheath fundamentals that seems to apply to all wine bars/restaurants and shops (with one or two fabulously inspiring exceptions - places that keep my optimism for our wonderful, exciting town.) Whatever it is, it's depressing as hell.

Greenwich deserves a video store as classy as Prime Time Video in Blackheath - somewhere the evening's entertainment begins before the film starts - and I know just the guy to do it. Here's my fantasy. An independent video store that is as fabulous to look at as Prime Vids in Blackheath in what was going to be the lapdancing club at the Plaza run by the big guy from Blockbuster who seems to know everything thre is to know about film. Now there's a place I'd visit more than it was healthy. Actually, while we're about it, how about a small screening room in there too, with selections and introductions by The Big Man Himself (must find out his name...)

Ho hum. Back to reality and what has to be the grimmest day of the year - in effing AUGUST...

Carpenters

Richard asks:

I was wondering whether you know of a decent (and cheap!) local carpenter who makes and fits bookshelves??? My existing shelves are overflowing and am desperately in need of some more!

The Phantom replies:

To be honest, the words "good" and "cheap" don't seem to go with carpenters very often in my experience. There are two carpenters who advertise in The Westcombe News and I have heard good reports of both of them, though none of those reports have mentioned anything about either of them being "cheap." Tom Ellis, especially, has had some rave reviews coming to my ears. I don't have his number to hand but a copy of the Westcombe News should suffice. If you don't get it you can usually find it in East Greenwich Library.

But if you're really looking for cheap, the classic IKEA Billy bookcases now come in a love-it-or-hate-it black and silver foil veneer, I noticed, when a catalogue plopped on my door mat last week (a first - I've never had an IKEA catalogue through the door before. Can't quite work out what that says about the area...)

Any more recommendations for carpenters?

Casualty at QEH

Perhaps 3.00am on a Saturday morning is not a particularly fair time to review an A&E department at a local hospital, but it's certainly going to mean you'll see it warts & all - and besides, you don't generally get to choose when you review Casualty as a client.

Don't even ask what I was doing there at that time of the day. Suffice to say I would hazard a guess that I was the only person there that wasn't either drunk, a drug addict or completely loony, and that that is not an atmosphere I would have chosen voluntarily. It was clearly not an atmosphere that the staff would have chosen either - and given the circumstances they handled it reasonably well - with the kind of stoicism normally reserved for saints and long-term soap characters.

Allow me to paint a picture for you (I am assuming you're all healthy sorts who have never crossed those less-than-hallowed portals.) You've parked the car (free, overnight - they graciously assume that at that time you're not a commuter who wants to park at the hospital and schlep the couple of miles to the local railway station every day) and you stagger through the doors clutching Little Johnny with a saucepan stuck on his head.

You'd normally have to take a numbered ticket but at night there are 'so few' people that you can just give your name to the receptionist. She's bored and cross at the same time - but you have to admit she's civil.

Your next challenge is to find somewhere to sit. There are plenty of seats, all joined together in rows, but it's still not easy to find somewhere that you'd actually want to sit. In one row there's a couple of hollow-eyed characters in knock-off designer sportswear that has never seen a gym. They glare at you, challenging you to come anywhere near, but the debris of - you're not quite sure what - has already made sure you're not going to disturb them.

Across the way, a bloke in his early twenties is wearing what, at 8.00 the previous evening, were probably his best clothes. His shirt still has the odd knife-edge crease and his gold jewellery still peeks out from under his collar. But his foot is smashed to pieces and covered in blood, as is his head. The whole of the front of his designer jeans and his special skinny-line shirt is caked in drying vomit. He's muttering to himself, and you're not sure it's all brought up yet...

You guide Little Johnny and his saucepan across the litter-strewn floor to try to sit next to an old woman who swears violently at you and starts screaming. You spot a place across the way, but a group of drunken teenagers carry one of their kind in between them, staggering and lurching, finally dumping her across the row and start waving and shouting at the receptionist that she needs to be seen immediately. You have already decided that the people who work here deserve some kind of medal. You've been here just a few minutes and they've been abused at least twice.

You finally settle down next to the payphone where someone decides to call Eastern Europe. It's obviously a bad line as they have to bellow, but they're clearly enjoying their chat.

You look around the place. There is an untidy display of leaflets about sexually transmitted diseases, which don't prove to be War & Peace. You attempt to decipher that the confusing chart which has various unexplained colours correlating to expected waiting times. You have not been given a colour, but you sincerely hope you are not Orange.

Your friend suggests a coffee, and you rediscover the concept of The Klix Machine - something you had previously thought had become extinct in the early 90s. A peer into the flimsy brown vessel currently warping under your fingers reveals a gooey glob of something that is very possibly but by no means certainly Non Dairy Creamer. You don't even want to go there.

About half an hour later, your wait is over. You are seen by a nurse who writes everything you told the receptionist half an hour earlier down, and tells you to go outside and wait.

A woman starts making a fuss to the receptionist that she isn't being taken seriously enough and she's having to wait. The receptionist is polite but firm and you are intrigued. What's going on here? Is this a regular, perhaps?

Your attention is drawn by another woman who was brought in in a wheelchair looking extremely pathetic. She had been coughing her guts up onto the floor until a cardboard dish was provided but had then slumped back into her chair. But she has suddenly noticed that everyone's busy, and she nips out of the wheelchair and into the loo, returning before she's seen.

An ambulance crew bring someone in and, by earwigging, you find out what's happened to the woman who's 'not being taken seriously.' The crew are furious. She called 999 with a headache, and when they suggested some Neurofen, made a huge fuss and insisted on being taken into hospital in the ambulance. In the meanwhile a man who had a heart attack had been forced to wait for 9 extra minutes.

Three and a half hours later you and Little Johnny are called in for tests. You apologise to the nurse that Johnny's clothes are still what he was wearing earlier that night; she's just grateful he's not covered in vomit. You get sent outside again to wait.

At 6.00am you go out to buy a parking ticket. It is officially morning.

An hour later, Little Johnny finally gets seen by a doctor. Clearly a junior doc, and clearly run off her feet, but politer and friendlier than you would have previously considered humanly possible under the circumstances.

You are finally out, five hours after you arrived. Equal amounts of WD40 and brute force have liberated Little Johnny from his saucepan, the sun is shining and a new staff has clocked on. The cleaners have arrived. You have never been so glad to get out of somewhere and find yourself humming "Oh, What a beautiful Mornin'..."

None of this is the fault of the hospital, as far as I can see. A & E seems to attract some real characters and it's up to these people to deal with them, day in, day out. The waiting room is covered in litter and all kinds of nasty stuff, but the cleaning staff can't be there all day. I don't know what you can do about the drunken chav element that make an experience like this as bad as it is. But those waiting times are scary. Short of extra funds I don't know what QEH could have done better under the circumstances.

Barclays Bank

Where? At The Blackheath Standard, of course - there isn't one in Greenwich. There also isn't a Woolwich - any more, now Barclays have bought the company to strip it out and close it down. And the idea of a bank in Trafalgar Road is a distant memory - though actually it only closed - what - last year?

Which all means that when I went into the bank in the middle of yesterday morning - not a traditionally busy time - the queues were stretching out of the door. Dozens of ex-Woolwich customers plus the usual Barclays bunch waited for what is frankly too long.

A "welcomer" prowled the queue, trying to persuade people to use the automated services, but after reading articles in the local paper a week or so ago about people depositing cash and the bank (can't remember which, frankly I don't care) saying they 'never got it,' I for one will only use the autimatic deposit for cheques, never cash. Other people needed foreign money, awkward transactions or just wanted to talk to a human about their finances - though of course they had to bellow across the counter in front of half of Westcombe Park.

Barclays have recently had a branch spruce-up - presumably in anticipation of all the unwilling new customers (there were a lot of grumbles in the queue about being forced to become part of Barclays, and the 'comments book' made an interesting read) but until they start opening a few more counters I can't see that a new paint job is going to make any difference to the amount of time we have to stand looking at it.

So. Who out there is looking forward to getting direct charges for this kind of 'service?'

Buses

One of the 'free' newspapers that REALLY gets up my nose is The Londoner - a really rubbish collection of mayoral propaganda that does nothing except big-up stuff we either already know or just don't need to hear. It truly annoys me that I indirectly pay for this extremely poor 'journalism' and blatent publicity machine (whether I support him or not is irrelevant - I would disapprove of this bloomin' useless waste of trees and ink whoever the mayor was.)

But when it drops through the door alongside the other free newspapers I do always give it a brief flick-through in case there is ANYTHING worth knowing.

The headline today says that bus fares are going to be 10p cheaper. Initially I thought "oh goodie" - for about ten seconds. But the thing is, I don't think we actually need to persuade people to use the buses any more - most are happy enough to give public transport a go. What we do need are a few more actual vehicles to take all the passengers who have been already converted to bus travel.

Take last night - pretty typical. I came out of North Greenwich Tube - not late - maybe 10.45/11.00pm. There were NO buses of any variety at any stops. Plenty of would-be passengers though all hanging about waiting for - well - any form of bus. Eventually a 108 bowled up, so I thought I'd get that and walk the rest of the way rather than waiting for anything more appropriate.

Trouble is, that's exactly what everyone else had thought too. I didn't expect to get a seat, but I DID hope to board the bus. Actually to be fair, I did manage to, just about, squeeze on, by asking people if they'd mind moving up a bit, which they did, albeit grudgingly. The guy drove like the clappers, ignoring red lights on the peninsula left, right and centre, though at least we couldn't be thrown about too much as we were all packed so tightly.

I'm obviously not moaning at a drop in fares. But encouraging more people to use a bus that's already too full seem crazy to me. Far better spend all those extra 10ps on a couple of extra buses, IMHO.

Eyebrow Waxing (ouch!)

The Phantom Webmaster, who swears it is not for personal use, (a likely story...) says they "have a friend" who wants to know where to go to get their eyebrows waxed.

My recommendation would be Anita at House of Beauty at the Blackheath Royal Standard. I don't know whether she waxes eyebrows as I have never asked, but she seems to wax everything else (lock up your pets) and she is fast, efficient and very, very nice. I cannot recommend her highly enough.

MRF Recycling Plant

The trash from a small part of one morning's collection

Nathan Way, SE28

Don't you wonder what happens to all your recycling once it goes into that blue-topped bin? It just doesn't feel right that it all goes in one bin, unsorted. How do they do it? I had imagined a little team of Ooompa Loompas sorting it all out, then wondered whether they used convicts from Belmarsh (complete with stripy outfits and balls & chains around their ankles...) Someone told me that they shipped it all to China - you know the sort of rumours that go round.

Then I heard that you could put your name down to go on a tour around the MRF plant (Materials Recycling Facility) and - well - who could resist? It took over a year for my name to turn up on the list, but it really is worth doing.

It is actually like some alternate universe version of the chocolate factory - what Willy Wonka would have built if he was into waste management. As you go in, the are lorries bringing the contents of Greenwich's blue bins - a gigantic mountain of the stuff every day. The sheer size of that mountain is extraordinary - and a sobering thought.

First of all it's fed into a terrifying-looking machine called a bag-splitter. This is something out of a cartoon - giant revolving knives ripping and shredding the sacks that we put our stuff into and loosening the contents. The sort of thing that Roger Rabbit would be straining with hands, feet and ears to avoid being pushed into by Judge Doom.

It all then goes into what looks like a gigantic tumble dryer, a Trommel Screen - it's full of gusts of air which blows out all the loose paper and light bits of plastic, sending the heavier stuff along on a conveyor belt past a massive magnet, which picks up all the ferrous metal - tin cans etc. The heavy stuff goes onto the Ballistic Separator (I forgot to say that all the machines have James Bond villain-type names) which sorts out aluminium - which is bounced off the magnet into another box. All that's left is glass and plastic.

Next comes the Piercer-Crusher Unit (see what I mean about the names) which does exactly that - pierces the plastic and crushes the glass, which is sieved out into vats below. The plastic goes onto a 21st Century piece of kit which identifies densities of plastic using infra-red beams.

Anything that's left over trundles along on a conveyor belt for the only humans in the place to check over manually. Frankly there's not much left. Everything gets baled up and sold - which helps to keep the costs down. Another thing that keeps down rates is that the plant takes in recycling from other boroughs at commercial rates.

And what does it go to?

Cardboard - corrugated card for packaging

Newspaper - reused as newspaper

Other paper - recycled as - you've guessed it - paper

Metals - can be many things such as aeroplane and car parts

Glass - crushed and used for road building in South East London

Plastics - fleece fabric, CD cases, work surfaces and, in a pleasingly cyclical twist, wheelie bins

After you've handed in your hard hat and come back for a cup of tea and a biscuit the guy talks about all the new moves and things they're planning and answers questions, more candidly than I had expected. We were given nice notebooks made out of recycled paper, pencils made out of old CDs and a splendid pencil sharpener in the shape of a wheelie bin which is the envy of all who see it.

I heartily recommend a visit - a most unusual day out - but utterly fascinating. You'll have to wait - stick your name on the list and you will get there eventually. The place doesn't smell, by the way - that's mixed dry recyclables for you. It's quite dusty - you come out wanting a shower - but not horrid.

You can put your name on the list by emailing recycling@greenwich.gov.uk

Ironing companies

Richard asks:

I cant take it any more... dont suppose you could recommend someone/somewhere in Greenwich centre to do ironing, either in or to collect???

The Phantom replies:

My best recommendation is to do as I do - no ironing at all. I just don't buy everyday stuff that requires pressing, arguing that if I have to press a special occasion garment then I won't care, because I'll be so excited about the event...

Seriously, you can buy workshirts from John Lewis and, I think, M&S, which are called something like "easycare cotton" (might be "carefree cotton") which, if you stick it on a hanger the moment it comes out of the machine will dry perfectly acceptably.

If you really want razor creases and absolutely flat stuff, then I have definitely seen laundry collecting companies around but I erase them from my memory - the idea of ironing is too traumatic...

Bet there's someone here who knows a good one though. Good luck.

Mary Evans Picture Library

Tranquil Vale, SE3

I have been passing this odd and rather beautiful building for some time now, wondering what on earth who Mary Evans was, and what a picture library bearing her name is doing in Blackheath.

In my head I had images of some doughty Edwardian lady, somewhere along the lines of an Emily Pankhurst or a Gertrude Jekyll. Perhaps she was a writer - a Sitwell - or a painter - a Gwen John. In my fertile imagination she had grown up playing in the fields around Blackheath, learning to love every blade of grass, every leaf of tree - the butcher's boy's whistle, the postman's cheery greeting. That extraordinary house had been commissioned by her slightly bohemian parents in the style of that nice Mr Morris down the road at Bexleyheath and now she lived in it, the collection of paintings she had amassed with care and sensitivity visited by members of the fashionable London Set, her name as a woman of taste and elegance assured right through until the 1920s, by which time she had created a bit of a New York scandal by being painted in the nude by John Singer Sargent at the rip old age of 87. She was, of course, a spinster - a beautiful bluestocking who scared off a multitude of suitors with an acidly-accurate tongue, her only true love her painting collection...

I guess I could have been more wrong, but it's safe to say I couldn't have been much more wrong...

The Mary Evans Picture Library is, at least, the brainchild of a Blackheath woman of taste. But rather than grand paintings housed in the strange Arts & Crafts (? - as regular readers will know my knowledge of architecture isn't always spot-on) 'cottage' at the top of Tranquil Vale, it is a collection of images ranging from the great and powerful - international events and famous people - to small, seemingly insignificant pictures that enrich our lives and decorate everything from TV programmes to newspaper articles.

They're just over 40 years old as a company - and it's a family-run business. So much for my sturdy Edwardian spinster. Mary and Hilary Evans started it in 1964 and have recently been joined by their daughter Valentine. There's a great photo on the website from the early years of the three of them in front of the filing cabinets where the images were (and possible still are) stored, little Valentine merely playing with the bottom drawer. It was, like all great businesses which last, founded on a personal passion, Mary's vast collection of prints, engravings, drawings and photos.

It's a commercial collection, so unless I pose as a picture researcher for some magazine, it's unlikely I'll get to see inside this amazing-looking building (there is a very small pic of the inside on the website, the lovely, simple lines of the staircase and the splendid circular window in nearly-full view) but there is a service where private customers can buy online prints for framing in their homes, many of which are local. I have not seen most of them before.

www.prints-online.com

They claim to have over 200,000 images online and be adding pictures at a rate of 500 a week. No wonder they need a staff of 20. They don't say when they moved to the fabulous building they inhabit now, or what it was originally built as - if you know or, indeed are, anyone who works there, I'd love to know more.

So another of my own personal mysteries cleared up. Shame about my Edwardian spinster fantasy but hey - the truth is just as fascinating.

www.maryevans.com

Prime Time Video

Christina asks:

I was wondering if anyone knew what happened to the Prime Time video shop next to Somerfields, I walked past yesterday to find that it has shut down! Does anyone know if they are going to re-open or whether another one will take it's place? Failing that, what's the closest one now for us in west Greenwich???

High Street video stores seem to be having a hard time of it recently and I've been noticing several closing down. I think it's probably down to the mail-order rental that's enjoying a vogue. I've been testing out a few myself recently. They all seem to be much of a muchness, though LoveFilm will charge you for an extra month if you cancel and then your film doesn't reach them by the cancellation date (they recommend that you send your vids back by registered post if you cancel, which seems a bit dodgy to me.)

I confess I don't know of another video hire shop in West Greenwich (though if there is one, someone here will know it) but I can heartily recommend the Blockbuster on Trafalgar Road, if not for the selection (which is at best average) for the excellent service you get there. All the staff are friendly, helpful and accommodating. I know it's a bit of a long way. Maybe someone else knows of somewhere closer.

Secret Garden Wildlife Centre

I had another interesting Ask The Phantom today. So interesting, in fact, that I got straight onto the case...

Kori asks:

A few years ago I was talking to a park warden (or some such) in Greenwich Park; she told me about a place within the park that can be hired out for children's birthday parties, etc. I think she called it the Deer Shelter or something similar. Have you heard of such a thing, and do you know what kinds of things it's used for?

Kori - I have good news for you. You are talking about The Secret Garden Wildlife Centre which is a long building in the flower garden, which runs alongside of the deer enclosure. It has a viewing area - though deer being what deer are, it's pot luck as to whether you'll actually see any deer on your chosen party day.

It has chairs and tables (both adult and kiddie-sized,) toilets and a small kitchen. You're expected to do your own catering - or, presumably bring in your own caterer if you'd rather the jelly and ice cream burden was borne by someone else.

There is a wonderfully British way of arranging it, which gladdens my heart. The place costs £ 47 to hire (this will be revised soon though so get in quick) and what you do is collect the keys the day before, then, when you're finished , you lock the door then post them back through the letterbox. There is no deposit - which delights me - that previous users have left the place in such a clean state that there has been no necessity to insist on one.

It is not manned - but park rangers and police will be aware of the event so that if you have problems you can get help.

Bookings can be made right up until the day before, but it's always best to reserve in advance as they only ever have one event per day.

You can view the site first. I haven't been because I wanted to get this info out as quickly as possible, but if you go, please will you leave me your impressions - or even mail me a pic I can use here?

The magic number is:

020 8858 2608

Happy partying, kids!

The Fan Museum (2)

...and through the arched window...

I've already covered the Fan Musuem, but since Jemma was specifically asking about it as a venue for functions, I thought I'd nip over and check out the facilities. Of course this did involve having to see the latest exhibition at the same time. It's a tough job...

Every inch of this place is exquisite - not a corner nor, presumably, a backroom store cupboard out of place. In fact the only place that even vaguely begins to touch it for sheer loveliness was the old Polka Children's Theatre in Wimbledon when Richard Gill ran it - a place so magical that it was like a combination of cuckoo-clock, treasure chest and toy box all in one. The Fan Museum I'd say was ormolu clock, jewel-chest and chocolate box - but in essentials much the same...

First the exhibition. I am always astounded that there are so many themes for one tiny, single-issue museum to follow. They manage two or three top-quality exhibitions a year - each time coming up with a fresh topic, and managing to find enough exhibits to fill it. I mean - I like fans as much as the next phantom, but this must be some kind of delightful obsession for the curators here - and long may it continue to be so.

This one is Fanning the Senses - a study of fans and their relationship with perfume. Fans and fragrance were an essential part of a lady's toilette - especially in the days before people actually washed - the perfume to mask one's own whiffy person; the fan to waft away everyone else's. The fans, as always, are fabulous - my particular favourites include Love Knot from 1870, a charming Victorian vision of 18thC court life, Love's Retreat, from the 1890s which focused on roses and lovebirds and the Allegory of the Senses from 1700, which does what it says on the tin. The perfume bottle also displayed were lovely,too, but part of me rather wished that there was a way we could smell the fragrances too. A Scratch & Sniff card, perhaps?

I was intrigued by the perfume advertising fans from the late 19th and early 20th Centuries, especially the Olympic Fan from the games in the 1920s. Now there's an idea for a souvenir for 2012...

But I sense I'm losing a few male readers here. Onto the functions (though I suspect I won't win back too many boys with that one either.)

Jemma, I recon that the Fan Museum would be utterly lovely as a venue, checking it out with that specifically in mind. The garden's in two specific parts - a Japanese style tea garden at the back and a French Parterre design in the foreground. It's large and lovely enough to take a fair few guests, and secluded enough for you to feel you weren't in the centre of town. The orangery tearooms are just beautiful - charmingly hand-painted and with those lovely mirrored doors at the far end.

I have two reservations. I know nothing about their standards of catering - or whether you could get your own caterers in (probably at an extra charge) - in which case, Hand-Made Foods and Theatre of Wine are your guys.

My other slight concern is what happens if it rains. The orangery is gorgeous, but it's not enormous and if all 80 of your reception guests bowl up into the conservatory it might be a squeeze. They can do sit-down in the orangery for 30 and they DO have a marquee that will seat 50 - but that is the end of your beautiful garden reception. I detest marquees (though that's probably a personal thing, I know not everyone does.) In the evenings you get the run of the museum; presumably during the day you have to share it with visitors.

This is one of the few places I have come across where the corporate charges are less than the private - Corporate starting at £ 200, private hire at £ 250 (both plus VAT.)

Personally I think this would be a wonderful option for a small reception. Larger venues get less personal the grander they get and this place is almost edible in its boudoir-beauty.

If you go there, Jemma,will you give us a review?

www.fan-museum.org

Weddings

Ahhh. I have a really sweet Ask the Phantom here.

Jemma asks:

I've lived in Greenwich for 3 years, having previously lived in Eltham for 8 years. I wouldn't want to move anywhere else! My boyfriend moved his home and his job from Surrey last year and he loves it too.

We are getting married this summer and want it to be in Greenwich. We'd like a civil ceremony at Rangers House but really can't afford the venue hire (£ 4k) to hire it for the evening so we're thinking of hiring the orangery at the fan museum for a lunch instead. What do you think of the fan museum for a reception? Any help would be appreciated!

I think the Fan Museum would be a fabulous venue for a wedding - I didn't know they did them, but it would be wonderful - elegant and unusual. Presumably you don't have a massive guest list as the place isn't that large (I would also find out in advance when the roadworks are likely to end - the photographs would be a bit duff with massive holes in the road...)

I have no idea what their catering is like - but maybe you have outside caterers in mind?

The Trafalgar Tavern is a lovely place for a reception, but the prices have taken a serious hike in recent years, and if Rangers House is out of the question, then I suspect that The Trafalgar will be too. Ditto Eltham Palace, which I am sure you have already considered.

There are several lovely venues within the Old Royal Naval College - not just the Painted Hall or the Chapel. Ask them about the Admiral's House - or even, if you're after 'quirky,' the skittle alley.

http://www.oldroyalnavalcollege.org/venue-hire/weddings,21,AT.html

The Queen's House would be another elegant solution for a larger party. Again I have no idea of prices. I don't know whether the garden at the Old Royal Observatory is available but if it isn't the Octagon Room may be.

http://www.nmm.ac.uk/server/show/nav.00500400k001

I once went to a wedding at the Cutty Sark. It was wonderful, though the peripatetic trad jazz band ran into problems with the low ceilings - the sousaphone player had to sit down. I don't think, with all the tent-y stuff there is round it just now, that it's available (or desirable) at the moment, but when it gets its glass roof, it will be fabulous.

If you want to be REALLY far out, you could always do what some friends of mine did - a pagan handfasting ceremony at the stone circle in Hilly Fields. That's free - but be prepared to have small boys on bicycles riding past sniggering at robe-clad guests invocating the spirits (sky-clad not allowed on a Saturday afternoon...)

Second thoughts, you're probably best off with the Orangery.

Anyone else got any more suggestions for elegant, moving locations for Jemma's wedding? Let us know what you choose, Jemma - we'll come along and throw some rice...

Paul McPherson Gallery

77, Lassell St SE10

Paul McPherson's tiny gallery is tucked away down an East Greenwich side street, and you might miss it unless you were actually looking out for it, but it's well worth a visit - and a regular visit at that.

Paul McPherson himself is a graphic artist and designer - he's the man responsible for that wonderful Hope & Greenwood sweetie packaging (now there's a shop I could stand a sister branch in Greenwich - but that's a whole other story.) He's also worked for J&B Whisky and Smirnoff but his best-known work in Greenwich is probably the graphics for Theatre of Wine. You can see the sort of thing he does on his website.

He works from the back room, which leaves the gallery at the front available for rolling exhibitions from up-and-coming artists. They're not always my cup of tea, but that's the beauty of a rolling display - the artists change on a regular basis, so if you don't like one, the next one might turn out to be a favourite.

The Paul Catherall exhibition on at the moment is excellent (he did those fab posters on the underground with the lino prints of modern London landmarks but is possibly better known, if you hang out round bookshops, for the design for The Cloudspotters Guide - you can find him at www.paulcatherall.com) but you never know who's going to be there so it's worth making a regular date in your diary.

It's minute - the size of a shopfront, but it's crisp, bright and modern - a perfect exhibition space for a new artist. The door is a 'normal' front door and can look intimidating - but if it's regular office hours, chances are it will be open - and if it's not and Paul's in, if you ring the doorbell, he'll let you in. There's no obligation to buy of course,and there are usually sweeties in a jar at the back as an extra incentive to visit...

www.paulmcphersongallery.com

Cleaners

Jo also asks:

Admittedly through a haze of guilt at my own laziness, can anyone recommend a good cleaning service? There's an ongoing battle about who our house belongs to, the spiders are winning and I need re-enforcements.

God, I'm being rubbish this morning. Sadly the cleaning in this particular household still gets done by our own fair hands so I can't recommend anyone from personal experience.

Presumably what you'd really like is "a treasure" - your old-fashioned cocker-ney char, complete with flowery turban and frilly apron, mop and bucket in hand, ready to make your house sparkle, always happy to sit down with a cup of tea for a good old gossip... oops - sorry - just went off into a little personal fantasy there....

I believe they're still around (you only have to see that ghastly "How Clean is Your House" for that - why do people choose to show off on telly the pigsties they live in through their own laziness?) but the very fact that they are treasures makes people rather jealous of theirs.

I get all sorts of hand-printed leaflets through the door from individuals wanting to clean my place (not so sure they'd still want to if they actually saw it) which could unearth someone fantastic - though the chances of references are presumably lower and it's a very personal thing, letting someone you don't really know into your house.

That leaves cleaning companies. They at least come with things like insurance and guarantees, but they do have drawbacks. You never know who you're going to get - and since turnover is high it's possible you'll never get the same person twice - and, of course, you'll pay more.

I confess I've not even considered a cleaning company since I read Nickel & Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich, where she goes undercover (albeit in The States) as a minimum-wage worker in various menial jobs and gets treated appallingly. Ok, ok, this was America, but I've become a bit suspicious anyway. Not only do some American companies treat their workers terribly but they essentially rip-off consumers too (one trick that sticks in the mind was spraying heavily-scented furniture polish into the air so that a consumer will think a room has been cleaned.)

Perhaps all British companies are perfect and I'm being unduly suspicious. Maybe people here can reassure me? And help Jo find someone to make her spiders pack their suitcases...

Reuse and Recycling Centre

Nathan Way, Plumstead, SE28

This is the bit of the Council's refuse site that we used to call "going down the dump." A few years ago it was changed to being slightly more recycling-friendly, but it has had quite a facelift recently and though not quite perfect yet, is definitely going the right way for my money.

Firstly, you now drive up onto a ramp and drop your waste into the various skips rather than risking life and limb climbing those slippery metal steps with giant bin bags. Secondly, they've designed it for fewer hold-ups (though there were still a few traffic jams when I was there.) Thirdly, they've got more different sections so that more things can be separated, which is A Good Thing. Everything from household batteries to paint and household chemicals can now be separated - which means that toxins don't leach out into the water supply whilst they're in landfill.

The big change is that they're introducing a new bit which is not dissimilar to Greenwatch, but for household items rather than office furniture. There's a new area for unwanted white goods, furniture etc, which will be reconditioned - either just cleaned if they're still working or mended if they're repairable - by young people who are being NVQ trained in this field and then either used by the council for helping needy people or young families or re-sold to the public.

I understand that goods will be on sale at the reuse and recycling centre itself, but I've also heard rumour that there will be a dedicated shop at the industrial estate in Bugsby's Way on the Peninusula. Goods will be very cheap (naturally) and if you have a Greenwich Card, they will be subject to further discounts. I think this is a great idea - and can only hope that they will expand the project to other, smaller items that might turn up in the "household waste" bins which still go to landfill. I still weep when I see what is being thrown in them. The other day I saw huge planters (the sort that cost a fair whack in B&Q,) a not-unsalvageable bicycle and some good-looking plastic boxes, all of which, given a hose-down, would have gone very happily if they were placed on Freecycle.

I totally applaud Greenwich Council for introducing all this. I believe it's a good move - especially since any money raised from the sale of these goods will go to help train young people.

They're also going to be changing our rubbish collections - or so I've heard. The blue-top recycling bins (which, by the way, can take virtually eveything except polystyrene, organic material and those cardboard fruit juice packs with the aluminium linings) will be collected once a week.

They will be converting our green-top bins from general rubbish to organic - so everything from chicken bones to hedge clippings, eggshells to left-over pizza. These will also be collected once a week and taken to a special, covered, ENORMOUS compost bin-type thing where they will collect the methane and sell it to gas companies, and the compost which they will sell to local developers for topsoil. There shouldn't be any smells as people can either collect their organic waste in paper bags or cardboard boxes inside their bins or use special cornstarch bags which will rot down with the rest of the waste.

Anything else will be picked up in bags every other week - theoretically there will be virtually none of it.

I also think this is a good idea. The more the council can collect, recycle and sell, the less our concil tax will be and the less guilty I'll feel about throwing things away. They're making an effort - albeit because Governement and EU directives are forcing them to.

So - that's household waste well on the way to being dealt with soundly, but we still have a problem. There are no Governement directives about small and medium-sized businesses recycling waste, and until shops, businesses and offices are also forced to recycle the huge amounts that they accumulate, the work the council's doing with our household stuff will be less effective than it could be. Some businesses are doing it anyway, but they need to be given more incentives - carrots and sticks. We're all in this together, whether we want to be or not.

Hand Made Food

Cafe/Deli/Traiteur

40, Tranquil Vale, SE3

It's part of that funky row of interesting shops that we'd give our eye-teeth for in central Greenwich - just two doors down from Boulangerie Jade and round the corner from several other fabbo stores, but let's not be mealy-mouthed - it's still largely walkable - and a worthwhile destination indeed.

I'd heard good things about Hand Made Food, but the place was always so darn busy that I had shied away from actually trying to eat in there - or even to queue up for a takeaway. It looked great. That slightly bohemian, busy interior with splendid-looking tarts and pastries, cakes and buns, quiches and salads filling the windows made my mouth water as walked past. But those queues...

Still. Queues are part of the whole phantom-gig, and after yet another rave review from friends I finally tackled it. No room outside of course, but I was determined to sit-in if I could so we nabbed a couple of stools at the side. The service is very friendly and fast - considering that you can't just choose a dish - you have to answer all kinds of questions about how much you want, what you want it with and how you want it done. It reminds me a bit of that bit in You've Got Mail where Tom Hanks explains how Starbucks allows people who are bad at decisions to feel better by having to make fifteen decisions over a cup of coffee before work. Not, of course, that I'm in any way comparing this wonderful place to Starbucks. Sorry guys...

Still - there are a lot of decisions to be made and that's before you get to the drinks. The choice is large - and, obviously, all home made. Large, organic fishcakes, huge slices of tart of the day, well-composed salads, a whole fridge full of toothsome-looking meats.

Our fruit juices were wonderful. They arrived separately, as they were individually prepared and they tasted like it too. Tangy, fresh and substantial in themselves. My Tart of the Day (leek and Gruyere) had fresh, crumby pastry, not too thick, not too thin, and a tasty, deep filling, well-balanced and good-sized. The side salad was a disappointment - exactly two leaves of lettuce, and with the dirty bottom bit still gritty. Perhaps that was my fault, as they had offered me the selection of salads from the chiller and I had been concerned that it would be too much, so opted for a small green salad instead. I don't blame myself for the grit...

I am the only person in the world who doesn't seem to be turned on by bacon - even vegetarians seem to miss it. Not me. So I left it to my companion to test out what I had heard called 'the best bacon sandwich ever.'

He is a big fan of the bacon sandwiches you get from the van in Blackheath Farmers Market - and confesses he likes the immediacy and floppiness of the bacon - a dripping, juicy, wet experience. He had to admit that the Hand Made Food version was clearly extremely good quality, but it wasn't quite to his taste, its being very very crispy indeed.

I suspect this is a case of basic personal choice. If you're a fan of crispy bacon (and I know there are a lot of crispy fans out there) then you'll be in heaven here. The bacon looked good and crunchy even to me who doesn't like it. But if you like the floppy, juicy style, then go to the market, where the juices will dribble happily down your chin as you wander round, bun in one hand, napkin in the other. My companion said he would have liked a little butter on the Hand Made Foods bread, to balance-out the dryness.

I guess the best bit is that everyone gets to be happy - both styles are available.

The sweets are to die for - big plates of beautifully-iced cupcakes (I'm SO glad they're fashionable just now - I just love them) tarts, slices of interesting large cakes and big slabs of yummy biscuity-type things like millionaire's shortbread. I'll have to test them another day though. My slice of tart was far too big to allow a sweet.

As you sit around waiting for the food to arrive (and it is a short wait - they prepare everything on the spot) you can look at the lovely food they sell. Montezuma's chocolate (My favourite is the Geranium flavour, but I couldn't see it there) yummy honeys and spreads, Burts crisps, interesting pasta - the selection is small, but exquisite.

Their coffee comes from the Monmouth Coffee Company - which I like a lot. (My own personal favourite coffee company is Union Coffee Roasters, based in Docklands, where the owners personally hand-roast every batch, but Monmouth is also good.)

I can only assume that Hand Made Food's delightful shop in Tranquil Vale is the 'public front' of their catering business, since even at the healthy prices they charge, a couple of tables out and a few bar stools inside can't really pay for rents in Blackheath Village.

I can't speak for Hand Made Food as a traiteur - I have not knowingly eaten any of what I suspect is extremely splendid buffet food. But their menus look wonderful - everything from finger food for parties at £ 1.50 a mouthful - not actually bad for corporate prices - to cold buffet menus and what they call 'little dishes for receptions.' Has anyone used Hand Made Foods for their 'do? I'd like to hear about it.

They also do hampers - chilled delivery for London, ambient delivery for the rest of Britain.

www.handmadefood.com

Greenworks

Nathan Way, SE28

WG mentioned this a couple of weeks ago whilst we were talking about Greenwich Freecycle and I was really excited by it, so I thought I'd go and visit and find out what it was like.

Basically, it's a way of recycling office furniture in which everyone benefits. Greenworks is a charity which clears offices - usually when they have a refit. This is often from banks, blue chip companies and City institutions, but also from hospitals, local government and, more worryingly, central government, many of whose departments redecorate every year.

Once Greenworks have collected the gear, they refurbish it. Most of the kit is hardly used - these companies chuck out some amazing stuff - but anything that's truly dead gets taken to pieces and its components reused by people, often disadvantaged, who have been trained in refurbishment. The wood gets made into new furniture, the foam used as stuffing for kids toys (it's all fireproofed, remember) - even the casters are broken up to be used in roadbuilding.

They then sell it. Everything from carpet tiles to desks, filing cabinets to box files. They do all sorts of services including a complete made-to-measure office fit, but they're just as happy for you to bowl up and have a look around. They especially like not-for-profit companies, but everyone is welcome. It's particularly good for people setting up a new business as the prices are excellent (and I get the feeling they'll do deals if you ask very nicely.) The money goes to training the people, paying proper salaries and keeping the company going. Everyone's a winner.

I had a long chat with the extremely friendly guy and his assistant in the office. He clearly loves his job, and is passionate about recycling. He told me horror stories of government over-spending - for example, he was called out to the Foreign Office to collect an entire consignment of office swivel chairs, but he decided to leave the chairs on the lorry as they were still in their wrappings - he thought he'd made a mistake. It would appear that they weren't quite the right colour or something similarly trivial and the whole lot had been junked before it was even opened. That's out taxes, that is. Without Greenworks, the whole lot would have gone into landfill. It's enough to make you cry. Unsurprisingly, that particular batch sold very quickly...

He tells me it's a little quiet in the warehouse at the moment as, being the beginning of the new financial year, the government haven't got around to wasting our money yet, but he reckons that in the next month or so it will start to fill up with hardly-used gear at bargain prices.

I was astounded at what they sell - GIGANTIC boardroom tables and matching chairs, water coolers, magazine display racks, foyer seating - whatever might be in an office, chances are they'll have it. I noticed some odd-shaped sofas, which had apparently come out of a recording studio. If they don't you can ask him to call around the other branches in London or even further, and they'll either bring it over next time they're coming Greenwich way, or keep a look out for one and let you know when it arrives. And they're truly friendly people who want to be helpful and enjoy the whole process of recycling and dealing with people.

I would highly recommend this for anyone who needs to kit out a new business - or even just find a filing cabinet for their home office. Oh - and there's a splendid silver challenge cup there at the moment, which was once Nat West Bank's Staff Suggestions cup. My suggestion for it would be a great champagne cooler...

Greenworks is A Good Thing. And for that, I'm calling it a Greenwich Phantom Favourite Haunt.

Check it out.

http://www.green-works.co.uk/

Greenwich Film Unit

"Greenwich. Could be Bloody Anywhere..."















Like my suggestion for a catchy new slogan for the Greenwich "Film Unit?"


It's a funky name - no one would ever guess it was just a local government department. I wonder if the people who work there lord it over the other employees who work in, say, the parking shop upstairs at Peggy Middleton House...

I can just imagine them now, swanking into an industry party and schmoozing - the conversation might go like this:

1st Cool Meeja-Type with Square Glasses: "So - what do you do then?"

2nd Cool Meeja-Type with Square Glasses: (proudly) "I work for the Film Unit"

1st CMTWSG: "Oh yeah? Haven't seen you round Wardour St before..."

2nd CMTWSG (mutters something)

1st CMTWSG: "Sorry - didn't quite catch that.."

2nd CMTWSG: (coughs) I erm, work for um, Greenwich Council actually. (hurriedly) The Film Unit, natch..."

1st CMTWSG wanders off, looking for someone who actually works in the film industry...

Of course, I think it's a great idea to use Greenwich borough as a giant film set. It is, after all, a varied borough that has so many different aspects that you're bound to able to find somewhere that looks a bit like the place you want. A canteen on an oil rig, anyone? An American Naval college? Prague? No problem, Sir.

I am delighted that every time our borough gets used as someone else's background, our council tax gets supplemented. But by how much? And is it actually worth it?

A browse around Greenwich Council's film unit site will give you some idea of what they're offering to companies - including many empty buildings. WHY are they empty? Why aren't they being used? Some of these are residential houses - and quite-nice-looking ones too, which I suspect the council's own overstretched housing department might be intrested to know about...

It reads pretty desperate in places - playing "yes men" to anything a film company might demand - and believe me, they demand. You want to take over all our facilities? No problem. You want to suspend parking everywhere? Of course, Sir. A night shoot? We'll deal with the residents...

The fees seem ridiculously low, when you consider that these are multi-million dollar budgets we're talking about. Ok - the bottom end prices will be for photo-shoots and charity-cases, but even top-whack just doesn't seem very much. Is it really worth it for all the disruption and mess? I've worked on occasion for The Film Industry (note capital letters) and I can tell you - they don't give a damn about other people's lives or property.

Features. TV. Documentaries. Adverts. Music Videos... The list goes on and on.
Patriot Games. Tombraider. Portrait of a Lady. Dirty Pretty Things. About a Boy. The Four feathers. The Mummy Returns. American Girl.

I guess it's mild fun to spot the location as you're sitting in the cinema, especially given that they do their best to make us believe we're looking at anywhere else other than Greenwich. The council's argument for spending all that cash on having a Film Unit at all is to encourage business (paying bugger-all for the privilege, though I guess the local greasy spoon might sell a couple of extra bacon rolls) and tourism. Who's going to look at a film set in Prague and think "You know, I really fancy a holiday in South East London...?" And if they're trying to "promote the borough," they're not doing it very well - I asked the director of one of the very few movies actually set in Greenwich whether he'd used the GFU and he hadn't even heard of them.

When are we going to let Greenwich be - well - Greenwich? Layer Cake, Elizabeth, Popcorn and A Clockwork Orange (sort of but not really.) Oh - and Death in Greenwich, of course. Can anyone else suggest any other mainstream movies actually SET in Greenwich?

So - Greenwich Film Unit. A department I view with equal quantities of curiosity, derision and yet a strange sort of benevolence. Let's face it. It's not easy being cool when you're in local government.

I'll live with Greenwich Film Unit for now. I just wish they would show a little more dignity on the website. Respect is not something that the media gives out lightly and sucking up only makes it kick you harder.

Oh - and in case you're tempted by the idea of registering your house as a potential film set. Don't. Please don't. You will just end the relationship feeling used and dirty...

"Capability" Bowes

I don't really want to get into doing 'plugs' for things on this site that I don't have any experience of, but Russell Bowes looks like the sort of guy I like, and I think he's Worth Knowing About.

Russell's a Garden Historian, who gives lectures up and down the country to places as far and wide as The Eden Project, The National Portait Gallery and Waddesdon about various topics from Capability Brown to gardens in painting. Locally, he can do consultations on a freelance basis on creating a garden appropriate to their period property.

I don't know Russell personally, but he seems like a Very Interesting Local Person, and I like interesting local people. Check out his website at

www.capabilitybowes.com

and if you're into theatre, take a peek at his reviews too...

Freecycle

I was going to write about something totally different today, but Russell sent me a mail which reminded me that I hadn't actually mentioned Freecycle yet.

I am astounded at the number of people who don't know about this fantastic piece of logic. It's a win-win situation for everyone - except the manufacturers and purveyors of tat - and let's face it - are we going to weep for them if they don't sell an extra nasty cheap item at a vastly inflated price?

In case you don't know what Freecycle is then make yourselves comfortable, children. All your storage/waste/eco-guilt problems are solved - not to mention that you might actually get something fab yourself.

Freecycle is a Yahoo group which aims to keep useable rubbish out of landfill. It starts with someone posting up something they want to get rid of. It can be an old TV, a bicycle tyre, a microwave, children's toys, clothes - you name it, people post it.

Everyone who's signed up to the list receives info about what's on offer. Since there's bound to be someone in London who wants it, the next thing is that someone arranges to come and collect the item as soon as possible. There is only one rule - no money can change hands.

Everyone gets a result. The person giving away their own particular "piece of old tut" is relieved of having to drag it to the dump, the person receiving their own particular "lovely treasure" gets something they want for the price of collecting it and the local tip has extra room.

I love Freecycle. I have personally got rid of an entire kitchen (someone came and collected it from Woolwich in installments in a Ford Fiesta) a microwave, a fridge, a stereo - plus many other items - all of which were perfectly good, but had just been upgraded and I no longer needed. Russell tells me he has got rid of some Lloyd Loom chairs, a pasta maker and various dodgy Christmas presents. What he has got, though, is amazing - but pretty typical - a double bed from someone who couldn't be bothered to sell, a flat-screen monitor for his PC - you name it you can find it here. From the sublime - a bag of rubble - to the ridiculous - I've seen cars listed and, once, an AGA...

It's not just big stuff. You can offer (or get) spare seedlings for your garden, the free DVDs that come with newspapers - anything (that isn't alive.) It's worth putting slightly broken stuff up there too because a lot of artists use it to get 'unusual' materials. I've seen things like "offered - TV - broken" - and then seen, a few days later "taken - TV- broken."

I particularly love Freecycle because I've always had a problem with throwing things away if they're still good. If they can go to a good home I can declutter without guilt. The one thing you must remember is that everything has to be free. If you want to sell something, take it to Greenwich Auctions or Ebay.

I have always used the London version of Freecycle - partially because I want my stuff to go and I can never be absolutely sure that anything smaller is a big enough catchment area.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freecyclelondon/

Russell tells me there is now a local Greenwich one. I have no experience of it, but since the more local people are, the less chance of no-shows, I would probably now advertise my stuff on that one first. I have had a few problems finding it though - maybe you could post a URL, please, Russell?

Manchesters Flowers

Woolwich Rd

Since it's Mothering Sunday tomorrow I thought I'd go for an obvious one...

It must be a real bummer to have your business plan all worked out, your market nailed and your site decided upon, only to discover a few years later that someone's moved the goalposts.

There is a whole row of little shops which were obviously intended to compliment the old Greenwich District Hospital. Two funeral parlours, a minicab firm and Manchesters grace Woolwich Road opposite a totally empty site, looking a bit forlorn these days. Presumably the other shops that were once there to service the hospital were unable to keep going once the place had gone - there are many dead shops in that part of Woolwich Road, but with a bit of luck Manchesters at least can keep going until we get whatever's going up instead.

It's a smashing little shop. Easily the best-looking in Woolwich Road (though let's face it, there's very little competition) its dark green livery and interesting window displays are a little oasis of pretty in a part of Greenwich which is generally a bit grim. Inside, they're friendly and helpful. I would imagine that the bulk of their trade is Interflora-type work, but they always seem to be able to break off to make you up a bouquet, sell you a pot of daffs or arrange a floral surprise for your mum.

It's a perfect example of a business that realises that even if most of their custom comes from telephone and internet orders, having an excellent shop front is an ideal way of drumming up interest on a local basis.

Undercover Experience - take note...

www.manchestersflowers.co.uk

Blockbuster

Trafalgar Rd

I know, I know. You weren't expecting me to like this, were you...

Blockbuster is hardly the Home of Alternative Cinema. The selection of anything that isn't, well - blockbusters - is extremely limited and frankly, given the size of the store, the selection of anything at all isn't wild, with far too much space given over to cheap retail DVDs and computer games for my personal taste. My own choice would be a small independent that stocked a wide range of Hollywood Action, European Art and Japanese Manga along with everything in between.

But - and it's a big but - given that we have a chain, the next best thing to an indie store is personal service of the kind you get here.

Greenwich Blockbuster has some really knowledgeable, helpful and friendly staff who will take as much time as you need to find something they think you'll like, whilst also wryly acknowledging the limited range. They'll talk to you about the sort of thing you like and recommend stuff they think you'll enjoy. They're not always spot-on - but they try - and then remember to ask if you enjoyed what you borrowed. They have even been known to advise me not to take one DVD because they thought it really was tosh and another title because it would be on special offer the following week.

To be singled out in particular is the big guy who works there - if he's not in the store you might find him lurking outside with a sneaky fag. He goes to inordinate lengths to help. The two young guys who seem to be there when the big chap isn't are also very friendly.

Obviously, you're going to get the best service if you don't go in at 7.00pm on a Friday night - but I have never known these guys to be anything other than helpful.

So. A chain I like. Though if these guys were to strike out on their own and start a really good DVD rental shop I'd be there like a shot. Not that I'm hinting or anything.

BTW has anyone tried those mail-order rental firms? I can't ever see myself organised enough to think that a) I'll want to watch a DVD in two day's time and b) I'll know what movie I'll be in the mood for. Are other people like that too?

Ok. Just me then...

Doctors, Dentists, Beauticians, Osteopaths

Jen asks:

"I've just moved into the area and need to register with a GP, Dentist and Osteopath and need to find a good beautician. Any recommendations?"

The Westcombe Park Dental Practice is all new and shiny and is, I believe, in the slightly strange situation of still taking National Health patients. They've always been good to me.

I would recommend Anita at House of Beauty (see separate entry) for all your beauty needs and there are osteopaths recommended on yet another Ask the Phantom... (scroll down to find it)

I can't help you with GPs as, ahem, I'm not actually registered with any. Anyone got any suggestions or recommendations?

Builders

Lorna asks:

"I am looking for a reliable builder, plasterer and plumber in Greenwich as I'm planning on making some changes to my new house that I've just bought! If you, or any of your readers have any advice or contacts I'd be really grateful."

I have been wondering for sometime whether I should name and shame the cowboys that made a total bog-up of the back of our place last summer, but have concluded that I can't afford the libel action that would follow the words I would use to describe them.

I actually heard of some good builders down the road in Welling last night - I'll give the people I heard it from a call and find out more details.

I can recommend really good plasterers though - Phil and Andy Cambridge, a father and son team. 020 8303 0861; 0774 712 7922. These guys are fantastic, work cleanly and quickly and are pleasant into the bargain. They've done work for lots of people I know and I have never heard a bad word against them.

I don't know whether they're also plumbers, but Blue Flame are a very good gas fitters - also pleasant and efficient. If they don't do regular plumbing I bet they can recommend a good one for you. http://www.blue-flame.co.uk/about.htm

In fact I have learned (sadly rather late) that if you need a recommendation for a craftsman, the best people to ask are other craftsmen whom you trust. It's more than their reputations are worth to recommend someone duff - and since they're not actual rivals, they're usually more than happy to suggest someone. So if you already have, say, a tiler whose work you approve of, why not ask HIM if he works with or knows a good builder?

Fergus Noone Photography

15, The Market

Fergus Noone has moved about three shops from its position on the East side of the covered market to the vacant position left when the swanky dress shop shut recently. He does classy, pricey, mainly monochrome pictures, often of London and especially Greenwich. They're nice pictures - wholesome and strongly photographed, and would look very handsome indeed on the wall of a business or luxury flat. I wish I was as accomplished (you don't have to look at my efforts for long to see that I'm no photographer) and one day I might even buy a print or two. He also takes commissions for the usual weddings portraits and baby pictures.

The shop did just fine where it was on the East side of the market.

I'm rather disappointed, though, that the company has moved and turned that great shop on the Southern end with that wonderful wrought iron staircase and the dinky nooks and crannies into a rather sainitised, almost corporate blandness, losing the luxurious, slightly mysterious air it used to have. It's very smart, now, of course, with lots of wooden floors and tasteful lighting, but - well - I guess it's just not really my cup of tea. It's all open and light - no room for surprises or reason to explore any more.

But hell - I'm not going to be too sad - this is a one-off, individual shop doing its best to stave off the chains, albeit by possibly disguising itself as one. And the pics are fab...

www.fergusnoone.com

Stewart John Antiques

The Phantom works best undercover (cue for much cloak-swirling, moustache-twirling and cackling of hideous laughter) so, its being tiny and my being not the kind that looks as though I buy antiques, even though I occasionally do, I waited before going into Stewart John Antiques until there was a family who was clearly interested in buying something that I could latch onto the back of and thus case the joint unnoticed...

From the outside, it looks tiny - situated on the south side of the covered market, its minute glass frontage is crowded with good-quality, high-priced items of dark wood furniture, golden clocks and crystal chandeliers - I was particularly taken with a pair of early electric candelabras. The family ahead of me was filling up the shop by themselves, so the guy directed them downstairs - somewhere I wouldn't have noticed had it not been for them disappearing. I, of course, followed, chatting to the poor people as if I knew them.

Downstairs the furniture was less grand - but more practical. The guy told us (well - the family I'd adopted, anyway) that they make furniture to order and that this was merely examples of the kind of thing they do. The family seemed less impressed - and it did look fairly - well - ordinary to me. The quality seemed very good indeed but the designs I have seen time and time again.

The family seemed ready to climb back up the the stairs so I skulked behind them, so I could earwig. The guy told them that they're a family business who have been going for 50 years. They have a warehouse out in Charlton on an industrial estate that the public can visit, where they keep the bulk of their stock. He told them that he wasn't the kind that piled 'em high, flogged 'em cheap, and he was happy to wait for the right buyer. Fair enough.

The family was making moves to leave, so I nipped past them, grabbing a flyer with the address of the warehouse on it, and darted outside.

I went to the warehouse the next day, Sunday. The estate was eerily empty and although the map on the flyer was good, I still didn't immediately find it due to some gates being closed.

Their bit of the warehouse is a couple of flights up. I wandered in to the abandoned room, filled from floor to ceiling with wardrobes, desks, bedsteads and bric-a-brac. Most of them had little labels with the price "restored" - they do their own restoration on the spot and only, it would seem, after you buy something, presumably so that they don't waste time restoring things that don't get sold. Dusty chandeliers hung from the ceiling and shelves of house-clearance-y bits and bobs lined the walls.

Those odd, strange items you always find in these places such as shop fittings and outsize theatrical props teetered on top of each other, jostling for position on the floor. It wasn't all fabulous stuff - some of it would be better labelled 'second-hand' rather than 'antique' - but the good stuff was certainly worth checking out if you're after something in particular - especially if you have a large house to furnish - there's a lot of big stuff in there.

I was just about to leave when the guy in charge of the warehouse arrived - he'd obviously been having his tea break, hardly expecting anyone to actually turn up. A very friendly man, he made me welcome and told me that they make one-off pieces of furniture and, indeed, entire rooms full of items to commission, including upholstery - their upholsterer is well into his 70s and slower than he was but still an extremely fine craftsman. I got the feeling that it wouldn't be cheap - but it would be good.

It's not Bonhams. But it's worth a peek, and though you're probably not going to find a bargain, you may well discover something rather interesting.

Don't forget to check the view out of the windows as you leave.

www.stewartjohnfurniture.com

Pickwick Papers and Fabrics

Nelson Rd

A sparkling little jewel of a shop, Pickwick Papers and Fabrics is one of those sumptuous decorating emporia which look like they really belong in Kensington or Chelsea. The black painted exterior shows off the display of rich fabrics in the window and the curiously-clad wire dummy just finishes the look nicely.

Inside they do a vast range of wallpaper and fabric samples by all the big names - from Sanderson and Cole & Son to Cath Kidston as well as a bunch of smaller, more exclusive designers. A very pleasant young assistant was immediately on the case as soon as I walked in, so I didn't feel lost or ignored; she then left me to browse. Downstairs they have a big squashy sofa for lounging with a cup of tea whilst pouring over the sample books, and there's a very odd glass-fronted display at the bottom - a bit like a shop window in reverse.

They can mix up certain paint ranges on the spot, but if you want something a bit more upmarket, like Farrow & Ball or Zoffany, you need to order a couple of days in advance.

There is a good range of sewing notions and haberdashery too - from bobbins and thimbles to threads and scissors, and those extremely girly tools with floral handles that seem to be all the rage at the moment. The whole place is wonderfully louche - even the bit where they seem to have had a small leak and have ironically lost their own wallpaper is somehow rather fitting.

In fact the only thing that spoiled my visit was the woman (one of the owners?) with the posh voice who talked VERY loudly and persistantly on her mobile phone the entire time I was in there trying to concentrate on fabrics, totally breaking the spell. It was quite clearly intended to be heard and prove how "cool" she was, but it actually had the effect of my not buying anything because I couldn't bear the noise pollution any longer... Horrid.

www.pickwickpapers.co.uk

Dress Circle Dress Agency

The covered market

Dress Circle opened last November and about time too. We've been needing a dress agency for some time - both so that we can buy some lovely good-quality pre-loved clothes - and get rid of a few of those sale-time mistakes that hang unworn in every girl's (and some boys') bulging wardrobe.

The shop is tiny - like all the Greenwich market boutiques so I thought I might have missed the boat when I brought in a few of my own items - all unworn from years of somehwat over-optimistic weightloss intentions. I wish I could say I don't make errors like that any more, but...

They only take decent stuff - which is understandable - it means that what they sell is good and it doesn't become like a jumble sale. They are nice enough to be polite if they're not interested and were friendly and helpful with me, though I detect a steely edge underneath - these women are not soft touches.

The deal works like this. If they take your stuff, they hold it for up to three months and if it sells you get 40%, which seems ok to me - let's face it, it wasn't doing anything at the back of my wardrobe, and they're doing all the work here. They send out cheques once a quarter. If anything doesn't sell, you get it back.

It's a bit cluttered - but personally I rather like that - you feel like you're just about to find an undiscovered bargain. I recommend wearing blinkers if you're only going in to sell. They also do jewellery and shoes, as well as bags and the odd hat. Presumably it's the same deal. The ladies tell me that business is brisk and that there's quite a turnover. We'll see...

House of Beauty

Situated somewhat prosaically over an estate agents at Blackheath Standard, Anita is a no-nonsense beautician who can wax your legs in a trice and still keep you smiling. She's just that bit older - which in my book means more experienced and therefore less pain. Her place is tiny - but quite big enough for her - she works on her own. She does all the usual - waxing, massages,facials etc, plus various specialist things like reflexology and electrolysis and keeps chatting so that you can take your mind off any horrid things going on. One day I must go and have something nice done rather than just treatments which cause exquisite pain. I have no idea whether she does "Brazilians" or not - by the time she's finished my shins I'm just counting the seconds until it stops - but then I'm a total wimp and Anita's are some of the least painful waxes I've had (the most painful was in a very posh French salon - presumably the more expensive the worse (and more snooty) the treatment.)

Hold your breath as you climb the stairs if you don't like patchouli oil - the building is occupied by a lot of holistic practitioners who seem to like that sort of thing.

The Launderette

Trafalgar Road

I hadn't visited a launderette since I was a student - and was rather looking forward to taking my two pillows (that I had been told were past it and had been urged to send to an animal sanctuary for bedding) along to find out what happens at one these days. I have been feeling rather guilty about our washing machine (no tumble dryer at least) and thinking maybe I could get rid of it and just use the local services for a while.

The Launderette (don't you just love it when they DON'T give shops comedy names - and just call them what they are) along Trafalgar Road has that faint air of an Eastenders set - and is even rather cool in a clean, rough & ready sort of way. I brought my pillows in and asked the handful of pensioners where I could find the lady in charge.

When she arrived from the back room, I asked her what the best way of doing my pillows would be - and to be honest I jumped at the service wash option - I just didn't want to sit around for hours on end - and let's face it - there's not a lot to do in that part of Trafalgar Road while you're waiting. "£7 for two pillows - well - it's a personal service - that's fine if my pillows are going to be ok," I thought.

I went off to meet a pal in Buenos Aires (doesn't that sound more exotic than it is ...) and do a little shopping. After a few hours of checking out a couple more places, I checked in to the Launderette to see if my pillows were ready. The lady was nowhere to be seen, but my pillows were in a plastic basket on top of a machine. I felt them and they were still damp, so I assumed that they were waiting for another whizz in the dryer and went home.

The next day, my partner went to the Fishmongers, so I asked him to pick up the pillows for me. When they came back, they had clearly NOT been put back in the dryer - they were STILL damp - the only change in them from the day before was that they now smelled of cigarette smoke. Oh and I didn't get my little Tupperware box for washing sachets back either.

Frankly I think that animal sanctuary's going to get a couple of pillows after all, and there's no way I'm getting rid of the washing machine just yet.

Standard DIY

Blackheath Royal Standard

God how I love this shop. The Blackheath Royal Standard used to be a fantastic shopping centre; now it's very definitely in decline. Only time will tell if the new M&S Food store will change things for better or worse, but for the moment only about four shops are really worth making much of a detour for.

Standard DIY is one of them. It takes up, in total, probably the floorspace of one aisle of B&Q but has more stuff that you'd actually want than all of the superstore's massive but unexciting stock.

It's a PROPER hardware store. You can buy a plastic bucket or a broom from outside, of course, but if you venture in, you'll find DIY heaven. The phrase "Aladdin's Cave" has been used to buggery but this really does merit the description. There are those lovely old fashioned trays of bits and bobs like screws and nails and springs and fittings which, if they're in B&Q at all, you have to buy in a shrink-wrapped pack of 6 when you need 3. There are racks and hooks and shelves, full of stuff you will probably need someday, however un-handy you might be. It might be a tad more expensive than B&Q but you'll make up for it by buying the exact amount you actually need, and getting the right thing first time.

The superstores have large quantities of very bog standard stuff, but if you actually look at their stock, there's a lot of bulk rather than variety. Standard DIY has a little of a lot of stuff.

The service is extremely helpful and friendly and they'll go out of their way to find what you're exactly looking for. They also do key-cutting.

This week, Standard DIY have been able to supply (where B&Q failed, which meant several wasted journeys - why did I keep bothering?) the following:

9 specialised hooks,
5 small s-shaped hooks
Some glue with a rude name

and, today, a Christmas tree, which I will be putting up this afternoon. Next year I won't bother taking the car, though - they deliver...

Hooray for Standard DIY. The great thing is that not only do they give better service than the superstores, they actually manage to stock stuff the superstores don't carry. This isn't a case of supporting the little guy - it's a case of going there because THEY'RE BETTER.