Paul

Mezzanine Level, National Maritime Museum

Last week I promised Pram-o-philes somewhere where you can easily manoeuvre a pushchair, meet up with other parents and spread out, knowing your little bundle of joy is absolutely safe. And here it is. Despite its being on the first floor, Paul at the NMM is a parent's paradise.

The mezzanine is a wide, virtually empty area that for some time has puzzled me as to its purpose, its exhibit-to-available-space ratio being - well - sparse.

But whatever the failure to put much to actually look at in this part of the museum, this area provides a perfect spread-out space for your entire post-natal group to ascend the great glass elevator and meet, whatever the weather, in a bright, dry environment with halfway decent coffee, slightly overpriced sweet-treats and no sharp edges.

Service on the day I went was, frankly, hap-hazard, probably a combination of busy-ness and, perhaps, a bit of a language issue. I had a cup of coffee, which they got right second time around, and a half-warmed-through quiche which tasted perfectly fine if a little undecided as to whether or not it should have been reheated. Although this is Paul, and therefore never generally a bad option, the very fact that the chain seems to be becoming as ubiquitous as Starbucks has seen service slip since the cafe's finding its way to our shores.

I was the sole lone-customer on the day I went. There was one other group - some bemused French tourists - but everyone else seemed to be part of one of several baby/toddler get-togethers. I wondered whether by the end of the day, they would have formed one huge posse, but I confess that it was all a little bit much for me (besides - staying would have run the risk of my looking like some dodgy pervert hanging round. It's the cloak and mask that does it...) - I finished my coffee and left the small people to explore the further reaches of Fluffy Rug Land.

So - not one for pram-o-phobes (especially since the glass roof's acoustics are perfect scream-o-conductors...) But if you have lots of pushchair pals, a wriggly two year-old and the desire for not-bad-coffee, this is a fine destination.

Holiday Geology

While I was going through my bookshelf, cataloguing it for the new page, a piece of folded card fell out which I'd totally forgotten about, but which, for its size, is a remarkable find.

Called, fairly unexcitingly, Holiday Geology Guide- Greenwich, it looks as though it's a children's thing - and yes, I guess it is intended for kids. The dinosaurs on the front, champing their way through primordial undergrowth where the Observatory is now, leaving a little gap for the Meridian line and with the ORNC and Canary Wharf in the background, are very kiddie-ish - but if you look on the back, they're all genuine possible previous inhabitants of Greenwich (no gags, now, about where the dinosaurs reside today, eh?)

If you fold it out, there's a sort of 3D-in-2D cut-through map of Greenwich from a couple of angles, showing what's underneath it, geology-wise, how and when it was made and highlighting the really interesting bits, the best of which has to be the Greenwich Fault Line, created, apparently, at the same time as the Alps. How cool is that?

Even better, there are little notes on each of the main stone buildings memorials and other features, which tell you where the materials for each come from, including good stuff to look out for (little fossils, for example - snails, sea-lilies, corals, squid - or bits of them at least.)

The back pages continue the theme with photos, graphs and text, all actually interesting.

This is a single sheet of A3 card. But the information it holds punches well above its weight. I've included a widget for it from Amazon, because I've just learned how to do it, but it's not the best place to buy it unless you have an order over ten quid. I got mine from the Visitor Centre, and it works out cheaper if you can drop by.

Children's Parties

Sam asks:

"Do you know any good venues for a kid's party?
We have tried The Forum (too small) and Shrewsbury House (bit out of the way and only available in the afternoons)We need to fit 60+ in the venue."

The Phantom replies:

The very thought of 60+ children in one room chills me to the very bones, Sam - you're a brave woman indeed. But this is also a timely reminder that my Phantom Shindigs page is a little light on the old Kiddies Parties. and could definitely use some expansion.

My first suggestion, the Secret Garden Wildlife Centre in Greenwich Park, is out because of numbers, but Mycenae House might just do you. I've also been thinking about Greenwich West Community Centre , which I believe is bigger than the Forum.

But I'm not well-up on children's party venues and would welcome additions to the page so please chime-in if you have any great ideas.

Good luck with that one, Sam; let me know how you get on. In the meanwhile, I believe ear-plugs are available in most good pharmacies...

Monsters Of The Deep.

I know this looks like the world's crappiest photo - and yes, I guess it nearly is - except that I took three more that were all worse than this. There is a reason for it though, honest...

I don't often go off-topic and write about things other than Greenwich - and even if I do, they usually have a Greenwich theme or are great 'days out.' I have no real excuse for including this other than it's fantastic, Thames-ish and there's only a week left of it. And since our trains go there, and lots of people work around London Bridge, I'm sort-of counting it as a Lovely Thing to see on your way home...

Drift is the first annual art exhibition on the Thames - large-scale projects free for all to view. It's been on a couple of weeks but I hadn't been wildly impressed with most of the exhibits I'd seen up to Friday. They weren't bad art (there is a lot of Bad Art about), just not exciting. There was a shiny wavery board floating by the Millennium Bridge, and some sounds played on the bridge (when I was there, the 'seagulls' meant to "disorientate passers-by" were drowned out by the real thing. Now if there had been cows mooing and pastural sounds of goatherds yodelling through the mountains - now then I'd have been disoriented..) a decorated buoy and a rather nice, but slightly promising-more-than-it-delivered laser 'bridge' reaching across those ghost piers by the modern Blackfriars one. I liked it all well enough but not enough to break Greenwich rank and write about it.

That was before I saw the monsters.

Walk to the north end of London Bridge and look over the western edge at dusk. I got there around 6.30pm and it was a bit early, the sun wasn't quite down yet, but I like to think that part of the art is staring into the murk and thinking you can see sea monsters.

As it gets darker, a series of projectors start to show CGI mythical creatures of the deep swimming around 'under' the water, diving, coming to the surface, intertwining with each other, racing each other, then disappearing down again. Then the water goes black again before - yes - is that a fin? Oh - no. It went down again. But - hey - there's another. Look - it's got bug-eyes and a weird - no it's gone again. Everything goes dark. You wait ages. It must have stopped. Almost a minute goes by. Shall we go? Yeah let's - no, look - there's two more . And a baby...

The artist, Craig Walsh, has managed to capture something very deep in our imaginations (well - in mine, anyway) about the Thames. Ok, I've usually had one or two when I normally look into the river and see weird creatures - but there's something very primeval about Man and monsters. We love them and are terrified by them pretty much equally, and stories of them have been with us since - well, since forever.

I love this installation with a passion. What I love about it is that it's really subtle - you have to wait - and watch. And the magic isn't just in seeing projections of creatures swimming around - it's in the time in between those creatures' appearances, and the thoughts that envelope you as you wait.

I thoroughly recommend this work of art. If you're at London Bridge it's a short walk to the north west corner. I reckon from about 6.45 to about 7.15pm is probably best. I went a second time to see it, later in the evening and the combination of lights under the bridge and the fact that later on you can ever so slightly see the whole projected image instead of just the monsters, makes me think that magical crepuscular moment is the most enchanting.

I tried, a bit half-heartedly, admittedly, to get a pic - but this isn't something to be captured - it's something to experience. You can try clicking on the image to get it bigger, but it won't really give you anything like what it's really like.

I would love to see this as a permanent installation - or at least an annual thing. It's just great.

There's one other exhibit, at Canary Wharf, which I haven't seen - a moving 'sinking ship' - anyone here seen it?

If You Knit It, They Will Come...

Greenwich must be enjoying some kind of baby boom all of its own - in the last couple of years it's sprouted at least four shops for well-heeled kiddies. Presumably there is a lot of cash to be had in tiny trews - as long as they're well-made, bright and cute, there will always be a doting granny, uncle or Phantom...

United Ideas specialises in home-made woollies. They're designed in England, but made in Peru. I'm assuming it's all fair trade (note no capital letters) and peasant-friendly, though there is no mention of that on their website. I reckon that they've not bothered to go to the huge (and frankly prohibitively expensive for small traders) effort of getting it Fair Trade (with capital letters) certified but given that their Peruvian knitters have names and personalities, I'm guessing they're not oppressed.

The designs are funky and quirky and brightly embroidered with houses, anchors and, my favourite, a rather fetching rocket design which if they did in Phantom size, I'd be buying myself. I was particularly taken, too, with the knitted finger puppets of all manner of animals and people at a pound a pop. The penguin and the hummingbird were my personal choices. They currently have several woollies on 'sale' - I'm assuming that there will be new designs in time for the Christmas rush.

Green Baby (a name I wouldn't have chosen, especially given that when I tried to google it, I was given two 'automatic' options - the shop and the subject 'green baby poop.' Ick.) Approximately where the old coins and medals shop was. It's ok - a chain, albeit a small one - and it sells all the usual stuff, with the not-so-USP-these days of it all being organic. It's perfectly nice gear, and not just clothes. You can get eco-nappies and washables, if you're really brave, equipment and furniture (though obviously not on display in store - it's only tiny.) But when my testers-for-all-things-under-five went in they were depressed by the staff - who seemed to have very little English, slim knowledge of the stock and virtually no concern as to whether or even how they could get specific items ordered-in if they weren't on show.

Another unpromisingly-named baby shop,Beauty and the Bib (it makes me squirm just to write it) is, despite its moniker, my favourite of the kiddiewear shops tested so far. In the place where Essential Music was, it's bright, pretty and really rather girly (the pink chandelier's a bit of a giveaway.) No prizes for guessing the main attraction. Bibs in the shape of strawberries, fairy cakes, bees and stars, bibs with pirates, spots and ladybirds - all sorts. There are bibs in flowery oilcloth, bibs in soft terry, bibs with backs, bibs with bows. Even special-needs bibs for larger children, with apples and hearts and stars.

This store's mainly for new-borns and very tinies. There are hats and all-in-ones, bootees and changing mats, usually in themes. You can get boxes and gift sets too - I'm guessing that that's their market - bemused relatives desperately searching for something to present to the stork-botherers.

There's definitely a cup-cake theme - knitted cake-shaped boxes containing (somewhat randomly) socks, egg cosies and cuddly slices of cake (a strange concept, I know, but it does work. You have to be there.) There are even soap-and-towel sets done up to look like chocolate cakes - perfect gifts for new mums. They come in gold gauze drawstring bags, an added draw for a Phantom too lazy to wrap things up...

Party On, Dude...

...but at Matalan? Who'd have believed it.

People who know me find it highly amusing that the only chain I actually miss in Greenwich is the very wonderful Woolworths. I have always loved Woollies - ever since I was a kid - the pick & mix racks, the plastic picnicware, the chart CDs, the toys, the mop-and-bucket sets...

I can't really explain why Woollies garish strip lighting, bright colours and cheerful tat have always held an almost mesmeric attraction for me - and let's face it, I'm alone in this. Hell - the store announced £100m losses only yesterday as it slipped further in the public's affections.

OK - They've made mistakes - remember when they tried to go up market a few years ago with 'designer' chocs and celebrity cappuccino-whisks? No? Nor does anyone else. But I still have a soft spot for Woollies and my mates always know where to find me if I go missing in a strange town...

But - well, we haven't got one and that's that. I have to go to Eltham or Lewisham if I want a Woolworths fix. In a jam, Wilkinson will do - in fact, even for die hard Woolworths fanatics like me Wilkinson is beginning to represent what Woollies used to be, but there ain't one of them in Greenwich either.

Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. And I am receiving therapy for this embarrassing affliction. But there is a reason why I'm wittering on about Woollies. Because that's where I used to go to find bargain party stuff. I remember a couple of years ago trudging to Lewisham and buying a charming string of pumpkin Halloween fairy lights, that looked from a distance like a row of orange lollipops. I may even still have them. There's therapy for that too.

But I have found a pretender to the party-throne.

Some clever person at Matalan - purveyor of cheapo clothing that falls apart the day after you buy it - has hit on the perfect product. Party stuff that dresses your home, your kids and yourself, which doesn't matter if it falls apart the day after you use it.

The section started out small, with just a few balloons and paper chains, then it got in banners and a couple of hats. Since then it has been slowly getting bigger and bigger over the past few months.

Now it's pretty large, selling happy-tat to decorate your home in any style you like. 70s disco? No problem. Western Saloon? It's yours. Haunted house? We aim to please.

Large paper posters that give the impression of panelled rooms or cacti, a graveyard or a princess's castle. Lanterns to hang from the ceiling. Balloons a go-go. Costumes (albeit not of the very top quality and mainly of the 'sexy witch/nurse/cheerleader' variety) for adults and children (less sexy for the kiddies, thank god) accessories that outshine the pathetic selection in Angels (which I was in yesterday but will not bother with again - now there's a place that doesn't care about its customers - rude, unhelpful staff, piss-poor selection (no better than Matalan and very much of the Smiffy-sort) and outrageous prices - avoid them, guys...) cards, badges, party poppers, make up, wigs - you name it.

Turnover is fast, so don't count on any particular thing being there when you go. At the moment, it's all Halloween stuff - loads of frankly horrid gore and unidentified plastic creatures with red lighting-up eyes - perfect for scaring the kiddies - I assume that as Christmas approaches, different fancy-dress stuff will supplant the horror. But I first noted this section back in May - so I think it's going to be permanent.

I don't know whether it's a general thing with all Matalans or whether the buyer at the Charlton store is some kind of genius, but this to me is a great first-stop if you're having a party. You MAY end up trekking into town for that extra-special piece of sparkly rubbish - but, if you're having a bit of a do, do check at Matalan first. What it loses in quality, it makes up for in fun.

For somewhat better quality I'll be looking at Prangsta another day...

Deer Me

Benedict knows I like a good gulley as much as the next Phantom and kindly sent me this interesting conduit for identification. It's in Greenwich Park, just in that little hollow that comes down from One Tree Hill and just up from the Queen's Oak. I've never been too sure of it myself, but The Friends of Greenwich Park's website came to my rescue.

It's a deer trough, installed in 1858, pretty much where the keeper's cottage stood. He's a very old pic of the place:

A.D. Webster (from whom I culled the pic) reckons it probably dated back to The Commonwealth or just before; I find it a very curious to imagine Greenwich Park with such a large series of buildings in it. So did the Victorians - they demolished it in 1853.

Webster tellls me the first mention of deer in the park is January 1510. A Eustace Browne was paid the princely sum of £13 6s 8d to stock the Park with deer for Henry VIII to chase around. They were clearly not fast enough for Bluff King Hal, as five years later he had some "quick" deer transferred from Eltham (I know, I know, it might have just meant 'not dead' but the thought of extra-speedy deer makes me smile...)

Queen Elizabeth enjoyed hunting there, and Sir Walter Scott (admittedly about as renowned for historical accuracy as I am...) talks of King James hunting in the park too. It must have been one of the only things James did there - he didn't really care for Greenwich - it was too cold and damp for his many ailments.

Everyone had their eye on a quick buck - and during the Commonwealth Cromwell had to set up a special task force to prevent poaching. He eventually got bored and decided to flog the whole park and its contents to one John Parker, though of course on the Restoration Parker lost his prize.

A.D. Webster talks of the pollution that threatened the deer during Victorian times - the factories pumping out smoke caused all manner of "deleterious effects of an impure atmosphere" and nearly did for them. In 1896 they numbered just 47, but the herd had increased to 150 by 1902.

Of course at that time they were allowed to roam all over the park, which delighted visitors. Their keepers were less delighted when the visitors killed them with kindness by feeding them some extraordinary snacks. One poor thing died of eating "too much gooseberry tart;" another's stomach was found to contain "two hatfuls of orange peel," in just two of the fatalities caused by picnickers sharing their lunch - which even included, I'm sad to say, venison. Here's an Edwardian chap sharing his mutton pie, scotch egg, battenburg and cheesy wotsits with a new friend:

With the coming of first the motor car, and then larger volumes of visitors, the deer had to be enclosed. At first it was just at night, but later they were relegated to the enclosure in the South-East corner.

The two herds (red and fallow) are very small indeed now. but they're still lovely to see. There are two places (apart from the little observation hut which isn't often open to the public) where you can get a not-bad view of them. The obvious one is not far from Blackheath gate, with a crazy-paved area and seats. The other, you have to seek out. Go into the Victorian flower garden and keep the thickets on your right (or your left if you're entering from the Maze Hill entrance) There is a little pathway through the trees to another spot with a seat where you can see the wilderness where the deer are. There's a little seat there too.

Sadly they're very well kept-in - two (perhaps three now?) layers of wire mesh, which means getting a good picture is nigh-on impossible. Here's the best I could do a couple of years ago in the snow:

Froghog Day

Would you believe it - after my post of total tosh yesterday - great fun to write but not a word of it true, there actually IS a local day celebrating amphibians this week!

I've just read in Mary Mills's newsletter that this Sunday, the 9th, is apparently "Frog Day" at Greenwich Peninsula Ecology Centre where (presumably kiddies) can make fun frogs, badges and go on a treasure hunt. Info Joanne 020 8239 1904. The item ends with the statement "This is the Year of the Frog," proving that you really cannot make it up...

BTW if you don't get Mary's newsletter - which is always worth reading even if I don't ever see any contributions from the other two councillors who are supposedly involved - I am sure she'd be delighted to add you to her list. Email her at mary.mills@greenwich.gov.uk

Youth Sport

Anon asks:

My teenage son is interested in training for a future mini marathon. Do you know of any clubs he could join?

The Phantom replies:

You know this one was a hell of a lot more difficult to find than I had originally thought. It seems that almost every noticeboard you pass is advertising some youth sport or other - but when you're actually looking for things, they all seem to disappear.

The Serpentine Club is a London-wide running club for people training for the marathon. The club trains in Greenwich Park among others, and looks pretty serious, but I can't tell if it allows young people.
http://www.serpentine.org.uk/

The Boys and Girls Club of Greenwich do athletics, though opportunites for teenagers seem less impressive than for kiddies.

http://www.bcgb.org/

Apparently if he wants to enter the official mini marathon he'll need to get in contact with his borough team manager. I've tried calling the council sports dept - 8921 8406 no luck - you might fare better. In the meanwhile I would suggest that you ask at the Arches about teen athletics clubs.

If your son feels he might be ready soon, he could actually try entering this mini marathon:

http://www.greenwich.gov.uk/Greenwich/LeisureCulture/SportLeisure/MiniLondonMarathon.htm

Or even try out for the London youth games
http://www.greenwich.gov.uk/Greenwich/LeisureCulture/SportLeisure/LondonYouthGames.htm

Or maybe someone sportier than me (not hard) knows of a local group?

Secret Garden Wildlife Centre revisited

I'm feeling lazy today, so I thought I'd let Kori tell you about her experiences running a birthday party for a bunch of excitable 4 year-olds. If you remember, she was asking about the Secret Garden Wildlife Centre in the middle of Greenwich Park, which is available for hire on a self-catering basis from Royal Parks. She has sent a very detailed account of her experience which I think would be interesting to many:

She writes:

The party went down well, with about 10 kids and their adults. (The hall has a limit of 20 people. I think we had a few more than that but as most individuals were outside at any one time, I didn't worry about it).

The building itself is long, narrow, and the slightest bit musty, as it is obviously closed up for days at a time-- but just what we needed for a place to set out loads of food, drinks, and presents on the tables provided-- and we could have used the space for indoor games and activities if it had been rainy. I think they must use the building for school groups and/or nature clubs, as there are cabinets full of art supplies, etc in one of the rooms.

There are 3 toilets: I normal size, 2 child-size (cutest little toilets I ever did see). Small 'kitchen' at the back has an urn and sink but no appliances so is really just a prep space for whatever food you bring with you. I made about 50 sandwiches there!

From outside, you would truly never know this building was even there! When the very helpful park ranger showed it to me, she said as we approached that I must remember to walk at about a 45-degree tragectory from between a particular bin and the following bench, just to the left of a certain tree, to find it again on my own! She was not wrong. I didn't see the door in the dense row of trees (the other side of which is the deer enclosure) until I was nearly right in front of it.

And yes, we did get to see quite a few deer. They seemed quite a young herd and were completely unperturbed that several 4-yr-olds were watching them through the windows along the side of this shelter.

I wouldn't hesitate to use this building for such an occasion again, especially if the weather was sunny again, as the area just outside is ideal for kids to play in without being in the way of passers-by, and there were bunches of low trees nearby for them to have adventures in as the day wore on. The ranger did ask us not to have any sports equipment/outdoor games in that part of the park, but less than 100 yards away (on the other side of the fence marking off this garden section of the park), such toys would be fine.


If you're interested, the contact details are:

Greenwich Park Office
Blackheath Gate
Charlton Way
Greenwich
London
SE10 8QY

Tel: 020-8858-2608
Fax: 020-8293-3782