A Note On Photo Use

Folks - I just want to point out a little thing about pictures on this site.

Most of the photos (well, the rubbish ones, really) on this blog are by me. But I also get sent pictures by lots of different readers, who send them in good faith. Good faith that they are sent to ME for use HERE.

I don't hold copyright to these pictures - it's retained by the original photographers. It's always easy to see if I'm using someone else's work because I credit them every time, usually in the body of the piece because of the weird way that Blogger formats photos.

If there's a picture I'VE taken on the blog, you are welcome to use it (I'd appreciate a credit but it's not essential.) Go ahead.

But I CANNOT give permission to use any picture taken by someone else that appears here. Please contact me if you want to use someone else's photographs and I will put you in touch with them. Don't just nick the picture. It's bad manners.

Blimey. I'm a grumpy old Phantom today. So in order to cheer myself up I've been going through said photos and have found this one apropos to nothing, from Benedict, showing the Amazing Harrier Jump Jet Crows of Blackheath.

Cue renditions of When I See An Elephant Fly...

Signatures

A little housekeeping note here, folks. I've been talking with various people recently who have admitted that they sign themselves 'Anonymous' not because they particularly want to be unknown, but because there doesn't seem to be another option outside joining Blogger.

I thought I'd just point out there is another option - the Name/URL button. Now I know this implies that you need to put a website there, but you don't. If you click that button you can use any name you like (and I don't care how ridiculous the name you choose is...the funnier the better, IMHO) and leave the URL space blank.

Or you can stay anonymous. It's me, really. I just like to know who I'm speaking with - even if it's only nicknames. It makes me feel all warm inside...

The First One's Always Free...

Folks, you may have noticed I didn't post this weekend. There is a reason for that.

Some friends who have my well being at heart began to quietly mention that perhaps my topics of conversation were becoming - well, a bit one-dimensional. Whatever subject they happened to be talking about, I would pipe up with "That's interesting. You know in Greenwich they've got a..." or "Back in 1786 there was a guy in Greenwich who..." or "I know a firm in Greenwich that does that..."

It started innocently enough. A livejournal account that I'd update on an occasional basis. I never thought I'd actually get replies - I intended to just burble to the ether. I didn't inhale.

It's easy to slip though.

I told them I could give up any time I wanted. I hardly noticed that my bedside table was beginning to become covered in the kind of paraphernalia only associated with hardcore usage. Obscure volumes about Greenwich. Lecture notes from 80 year-old talks about Greenwich. Co-ordinates for long-lost Greenwich plaques. My diary had been bowdlerised to take in Greenwich events. My idea of getting away from it all was looking at various Greenwich's around the world as possible holiday destinations.

There was nothing for it. I had to go cold turkey. Just for one weekend. To prove that I really could give it up if I wanted to. The computer didn't go on at all on Saturday. On Sunday it only went on to yield the address (in Hackney) of a party.

I can do it. If I want to. But I don't.

So now I'm mainlining again. Greenwich should be reclassified.

Congratulations, Mr Phantom. It's a Blog!

Folks, I'm happy to announce the arrival of several bouncing new pages on the blog. The wonderful Phantom Webmaster has now linked them all up and given the front page a nice new (and possibly familiar) Phantom Image, all ready for Spring.

There are five new pages:

1)An annotated links section - non-exhaustive - I don't list every site I like or use. I'll get round to it at some point.

2) FAQs - where I try to answer some of the things I get asked most frequently about Greenwich or the way the site works.

3)The Phantom's Little Black Book - Trusted Tradespeople as used by myself, my friends or Phantom regulars.

4) The Phantom Photo Album - which will actually have some pics on it as soon as I've worked out how to use it.

5) Parish News. Occasional announcements and events I think look interesting. Again - non-exhaustive - and even now, I'm warning, probably not as frequently updated as it should be.

Let me know what you think of the new bits. If you have any suggestions or questions, do let me know

thegreenwichphantom@gmail.com

A Good Place to Re-locate?

Julia asks:

I currently reside in the U.S. My family will relocate to the UK in the summer and have found GMV as one of our options. I have two small children 3 and 5 years of age. Since my husband will be working in central London, this seemed like an option since school, transportation, and shopping is within walking distance? Would we need a car?

After calling the school in Millennium I was told that there may not be space for my children for the September term. Is there any other areas in Greenwich you could recommend that is near some good primary and nursery care? And besides that would you say it would be a good place to raise small children? Any comments or recommendations regarding my questions or perhaps even other areas that may work for my family would be much appreciated.

The Phantom replies:

Welcome (perhaps) to Greenwich!

Would you need a car. Hmm. I'd say probably not. GMV is stuck out on a limb a bit, but it's on many bus routes and about a ten minute walk to North Greenwich Tube Jubilee Line. It's about a ten minute walk to the nearest supermarket too (there are two within easy walking distance from GMV - at one there's an electrical store and a big DIY shed as well as Sainsburys; over at the ASDA (another supermarket) there's a TK Max, Boots the Chemist, some clothing stores, an HMV, Office World. pet superstore and a stationers.)

You'd have a pretty sad life if you just stuck to those places though - they're not all that nice, just useful. There are buses to Blackheath (a lovely little village, with a Farmers Market on a Sunday and lots of nice eateries, and to Greenwich which - well - you know all about Greenwich, I'm sure. If not, a trawl through this blog should help there...

I heard there's a car sharing scheme on the peninusla but I don't know anything about it.

The best primary school in the area is Halstow Road School, or so my next door neighbour tells me (people with young families may disagree with me there, of course.) I'm sure I read somewhere that it's in the top 100 in Britain, I believe, but even if I have that wrong, competition is fierce. Some people move into the catchment area just to get their children into the school. It's about a ten-fifteen minute walk from GMV, but check to see if you would 'count' if you lived there. Houses in the Halstow Road catchment area are a bit more expensive than GMV, but they tend to have gardens and more space. Obviously that area is FULL of young families.

There is a Steiner School in Westcombe Park, just up the hill from East Greenwich (Westcombe Park or Maze Hill railway stations) and I've heard good things about the General Wolfe School in West Greenwich, (loads of stations, LR and buses) though the housing stock tends to be much more expensive (and very dinky indeed...) You will find a lot of young families there too.

Families are growing in GMV, but because the housing units tend to be smaller, there is less room for spreading out. It's reasonably safe though, and the eco park, views of the river and comparitively large amounts of green open spaces mean there's somewhere to play.

Is it a good area to bring up children? I'll have to open that one up to the floor!

Squeaky-Clean Phantom

Showing off a little here, guys. I've been invited to be immortalised by the British Library's web-archiving scheme - which seems pretty cool to me. It means that they take periodic 'snapshots' of the blog to save for the future.

Thing is, I have to sign (well, anonymously-sign, which I am surprised but pleased is allowed) a document to say that I either own copyright or have cleared copyright for stuff I use on the site. Most of this is easy - I write the copy and take the pictures, but I've been going through old posts removing images that might even whiff of 'copyright-iffy' and checking with odd people whose work I've used to make sure they're ok with being associated with me in the archive (for example ScaredOfChives's one-off piece about the Arsenal Football Club.) If I've missed anything do let me know.

In the meanwhile, in the future, if you send something to me, I will assume I can use it in the blog unless you say it's just for my eyes, in which case I will, of course respect your wishes.

Sorry for the dull post. It was supposed to be a "Whoo-hoo! I'm going to be in the British Library!" entry and ended up being a really tedious downer about copyright...

:-(

LiveJournal Syndication

Sarah asks on another thread:

Just wondering, is there a way to subscribe to your feed back on Livejournal, so I can read it on my Friends page?

The Phantom replies:

The Phantom Webmaster has kindly set up a feed for Livejournal people, which I thought I'd share - the following means nothing to me, but I assume that if you're an LJ regular you will know what it is:

Username: Phantomg

Finding Old Posts

Anonymous has just said something about having to reply before posts fall off the bottom of the page, which has made me think that I ought to just point out that you can always find anything that's on this blog - even after its "best before" date.

There are three basic ways (until I manage to find a better way of indexing everything)

1. The least useful way - if you know which month it was posted, look down the side bar for that particular month. A pain in the backside, but sometimes yields results.

2. A so-so method. Look at the list of labels at the top of the page and try to second-guess which one (or ones) I will have listed your subject under, click on that label and scroll down. I'm often a bit arbitrary about labels though and it can be a bit of a slog, especially if there are a few dozen posts about, say, restaurants.

3. The best method. Use the Google search box at the top of the page. Its default is "search within this blog" so if you're looking for a specific thing - say a particular restaurant, you can type it in and hit 'search.' And yes. The Phantom Webmaster has apologised for the bad pun at the top of the results page.

Technorati

Sorry about this folks - this is an annoying widget that will go once my Technorati Profile is live...

Apparently I rank 360,865th in whatever system Technorati uses. Cool. I have no idea how they work it out. I expected to be at least in the millions. Of course that could just be in Greenwich blog rankings...

Nah. They must have it wrong. But thank you to my two fans who have tipped me a wink there already. Presumably you know more about how this all works than me. Cheersies to the pair of you - I'm still trying to work out how to even find your respective blogs. Just call me the Phantom Luddite.

Quick question about ads

Folks - Anonymous just mentioned the ads:

What's happened to the adverts? I used to click on the estate agents as a kind of thank-you, but have just realised they're not there anymore?

First of all - thanks very much for the clicks - I'm not allowed to ask you to do it - but since you do - well - who am I to complain? Sometimes I can even afford a cup of tea and a bun on the fat profits...

But here's my question. I haven't stopped them - and they're still appearing on my version - but I know it's not necessarily the version you see. Can you still see them?

Just to reassure you - I don't get any say whatsoever in what ads go down the side of the blog - so I have absolutely no necessity to suck-up to any advertisers - I could be being very rude about something that's got an ad for it on the same page - that's the chance they take. If I'm nice about somewhere it's because I genuinely like it. This is an Advertorial-Free Zone...

And I Would Write Five Hundred Posts...

...and I would write five hundred more...

Yup folks - this is a post about nothing at all except to shout that this is my FIVE HUNDREDTH POST since I bailed out of LiveJournal and became The Phantom...

Thanks to all of you - from those of you who knew me at LiveJournal to the newer folk I've just 'met' - thanks for reading - I look forward to discovering with you more of what our fab town has to offer over the next five hundred posts...

Historic House Hunting

'A' asks:

I was wondering if you knew where I could find out the history of the house I live in, in Royal Hill. It is a very old house and I would love to find old pictures and names of families who lived there.

The Phantom replies:

I'm no expert on house genealogy, but there are a few basic things you can do before getting in really deep and having to start trawling for clues...

Firstly, there are the censuses. They're held once every ten years and go back, I believe, to 1801. The details are not released for 100 years, but once they are, they are in the public domain. Several are now online; the most recent, 1901, bust the computer system when it first arrived. Some, like 1901, can be searched free, others cost money. If you don't mind a trek, nip over to Kew to see the original paper versions.

http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/

Royal Hill is one of the oldest roads in Greenwich, but I doubt if there will be many survivals from before the census began - my (rank amateur) guess is around the 1830 mark for many of them. There are free and paid-for census searches from 1841 onwards at:

http://www.ukcensusonline.com/

The problem with the censuses is that they were (and are) a bit hit-and-miss. They're full of clerical errors, spelling mistakes and downright lies and their major hiccup is that the census only shows who was where at one specific night on that year. So if people were away, or merely staying at a house, that doesn't get reflected in the report. Even now there are some people who think it's hilarious to tell posterity that they are Jedi knights or Vulcans. I daresay that the clerks of tomorrow will just create a simple shorthand for this category - wankers.

Another relatively simple, but even less accurate snapshot can be found in the electoral roll, produced mainly from the 20th century onwards (don't quote me on this) with a few hiatuses during the war years. They are a bit fiddly as the boundaries kept changing, and they only list those eligible to vote - so minors are not counted, but it's utterly fascinating stuff. At one point, my own tiny little gaff had ELEVEN adults living in it, and the next year two more turned 21 - a frightening thought indeed. Heaven only knows how many under-voting-age kids were there too. They must have slept in shifts. It's easy enough to see these records - they're at the Heritage Centre in Woolwich - a mildly annoying trip away these days.

http://www.greenwich.gov.uk/Greenwich/LeisureCulture/HistoryAndHeritage/HeritageCentre/

There is a facsimile Greenwich Directory from 1849 that seems relatively easily acquired - a sort of telephone directory from before the days of Alexander Graham Bell. I had a quick peek in my copy for you, 'A,' and sadly your house number isn't there. But many people are just listed as living in Royal Hill - only a few actually have numbers. They mainly appear to have been artisans and professionals - shopkeepers, dressmakers, coach-drivers etc. I am puzzled by Number One which has several people listed, including, among others, a butcher, a stationer and a vicar - must have been a cosmopolitan household indeed. It's entirely possible that there are directories from other years available too - ask the guys at the Heritage Centre.

But there are easy things to do too. Ask your neighbours about more recent inhabitants. Look at the deeds of the house (if they still exist - many don't nowadays after a slightly short-sighted decision a decade or so ago to make some house deeds 'paperless.') Look in the attics, and under floorboards when you decorate - even in the garden as you dig - I have a growing collection of oddities I've fished out from under - well - all sorts of places in my own home.

There are several good places to continue your search and some great books to be had out there. http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/househistory/ has some hints and also a couple of books available which might help. You're possibly luckier than some in that Royal Hill has been documented a lot over the centuries; you should be able to find plenty of stuff.

As for photos, again at the Heritage Centre, they have large boxes of photos in alphabetical order of streets. I think you will find quite a lot in there. They are incredibly helpful people, and often find themselves sucked into the search too, almost as fascinated as you are...

Good luck - and do let me know how you get on!

Historical Societies

Shaun asks:

Do you know if there's a historical society in Greenwich?

The Phantom replies:

After much searching, I found one that meets at the Music Centre, Blackheath High School, Vanbrugh Park. They tell us a time (7.15pm) but not a day - so it's worth contacting John Swindell on 020 8854 1716 - they don't appear to have a website.

Greenwich Industrial History Society is very active. I believe Mary Mills has a lot to do with it.

There is also Mycenae House Local History Group which meets on Monday mornings during term time. Contact: 020 8858 1006 or email MHLHG@LFTSmith.plus.com

Then there are the various societies:

Greenwich

Blackheath

Westcombe

And the Friends of:

East Greenwich Pleasaunce

Greenwich Park


One of these days I'm going to get myself together to do an annotated links page but for now, if anyone wants to add a local historical group link here - please feel free!

Thames Clipper

Commuter Service

It's the one form of public transport no one remembers - yet it's only recently fallen from favour. For centuries it was the quickest way to get around town, and it's still the most civilised. I'm not talking about the pleasure boats here - though I'm going to do a trip soon, just for the kick of it - I'm talking about the river bus, designed for and used by people going to work each day.

I have been meaning to join a commuter clipper at rush hour for some time now - and yesterday I actually managed it. I took a train to London Bridge and walked to Bankside Pier (just outside the Globe Theatre.) The little booth was shut (of course) and the signs seemed to imply that everything stopped at 4.30pm. That surely couldn't be right? But the place was empty and there was no traffic at all on the river. It's all part of the British Tourist Disinformation Service, clearly.

I was just about to give up when I saw a determined-looking guy with a briefcase striding down to the deserted platform. He clearly knew what he was doing so I hung around. A minute or two later, a small launch appeared up river and suddenly half a dozen people with briefcases materialised out of nowhere. Perhaps it's uncool to be seen queueing if you're one of that elite band The River-Rovers...

It's all very matey. A jolly chap in shirtsleeves hooks a rope over a bollard, and the boat bumps gently into the row of tractor tyres against the pier. He holds the launch close to the edge and greets you as you enter. A jolly young conductor in a suit and tie welcomes you aboard. In fact it's all - well - jolly.

And that gives me a great idea. I'll Make A Million. I can just see it now. I'll pitch it to CBeebies as a new TV programme for the under-fives - Jim and Ben the ClipperMen. Jim and Ben will be made out of foam rubber and will have merry stop-motion animated tales helping the commuters of London get to work. There would never be anything so uncivilised as terrorists or srikes on something as civilised as the Thames Clipper, of course. Perhaps one day a kitten will get stuck on a branch in the river or a naughty thief will try to steal a big diamond from the Savoy. Jim and Ben will come to the rescue. There's a hit Christmas single in it too-

(-that's enough children's TV - Ed)

So I got on board. Many of the seats were already taken by people with laptops or reading the paper. (Yes, London Lite has permeated even here. Whatever next? The Reform Club, perhaps?) No one was paying any attention to the view, except a couple of EXTREMELY fat tourists who kept complaining about how small the seats were (they were fine.)

Mind you, to be honest there wasn't much view to be had. The boat sat low in the water and the windows were so filthy with spray that it reminded me of buses in the 1970s whose windows were so caked with dirt you couldn't actually tell where you were. But this is the River. It's to be expected. And if you're not looking for detail there's still plenty to be seen - and from an angle you wouldn't normally get to view London from.

The river bus stops a lot more than I had expected. There is an express service, but being a rank beginner, I couldn't work out when it was. The website does help - but of course I hadn't bothered consulting it first. The commuter service goes all the way to Woolwich but it doesn't stop at the Dome - you have to get the designated "O2 Express for that." Jim comes round to clip your ticket - ever wondered what happened to the bus conductors of Olde London Town? They're on the river, folks.

I was surprised by how many people got on and off at each stop. The clipper really did fill up (though we are talking about 5.30pm - bang in the middle of the rush hour) and it seemed to be with people that do this every day. It takes longer - about 40 minutes from Bankside to Greenwich - and costs a bit more - £ 4, or £ 2.70 if you've got a travelcard, but you get a seat, people are polite and it's a much more visceral experience. You bob about on the water, you see curious and interesting things through the murky glass (it's not that bad, honest) and, cheesy though it may sound, you get a sense of continuity with the millions of Londoners who have used the river for the last thousand or so years. Besides - you get to meet Jim and Ben... And that view of Greenwich as the boat turns the bend in the river is one that I will never tire of. The Naval College, the Observatory on the hill - even the poor old Cutty Sark in her undies - wonderful.

As we were approaching Greenwich, Jim - or was it Ben - brought round newsletters for everyone. Apparently they've just taken delivery of four fab new vessels which will be much bigger and higher (better views, too, I hope) and will have cafes and bars. They're also expecting to expand the service. It read a bit like gobbledegook to me who was on the service for the first time, but what it boils down to seems to be including the Dome (oops, O2) from November and to be more frequent at peak times.

Give it a try, folks. And look out for those new launches - from the pics, they look damn fine.

http://www.thamesclippers.com/

Emails

Thanks guys, for all your emails. It's always great to hear from you - whether it's compliments (the best) insults (yeah, I get a few) tips or questions.

Just recently, though, the Spam Mongers have been having a field day. They are determined that my "member" should be "so much greatly than civil," that I'm in need of "cheap meds" or, lonely Phantom as I am, that I need a Russian girlfriend.

I have a horrid feeling some real mail has been thrown out with the junk. If I haven't either replied to you personally or dealt with your issue on the blog(or both,) chances are I've accidentally deleted you, my spam filter assuming that you're trying to sell me a dodgy university degree. Please do contact me again - I'm not ignoring you, honest!

BTW isn't there some great spam out there at the moment? I'm collecting my faves together for a quiet day on the blog - some of it's almost like poetry. Well, ok, not quite...

The Phantom is listening...

Eagle-eyed readers of this blog will notice a new (v. discreet) feature down the right hand side under my intro. It's two contact buttons that my lovely Phantom Web Host has given me and which mean that I am much more easily contacted (but still remaining anonymous - you know the reasons...)

The first is an Ask the Phantom button - if I don't know the answer, you can bet your boots someone here will - send me your queries, I'll do my best to answer them - then throw them out to the floor for others to chip-in.

The second is my Phantom Tip-offs button. Found out some dirty gossip (or clean, I don't care) that we should know about or a new place that needs reviewing? Let me know!

I look forward to hearing from you...

A word on Advertising

M32 was joshing with me today about my adding an advert for a restaurant that got a particularly favourable review.

I smiled because I was aware, even while I was writing the article, that I sounded like one of the magazines that drop onto our doormats who claim to be independent but write glowing reviews of everything - with an accompanying ad for the joint on the opposite page.

Let me tell you now. I will NEVER do that - that would just be reinventing the wheel. There are plenty of mags that do that already - and a total waste of space those reviews are, too. I could make a BIT of money doing it if I wanted to, I guess, and get the odd free meal. But I'm not doing this for the cash. I want good services and a nice environment because I live here - and the ONLY way to do that is to remain totally independent and totally anonymous.

But websites don't pay for themselves - and what I may have to do soon will be to allow discreet computer-generated ads down one side to offest the cost of the actual site.

At the risk of teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, let me explain how this new type of advertising works, in case you don't know.

I allow Google's search engine to filter through my words, picking out the ones that are relevant to their advertisers. Their computer puts up random ads on my site which LOOK as though they've been specially chosen, but they're absolutely not.

I have no contact whatsoever with the advertiser and they have no choice over where their ad goes.

So it's entirely possible that I'll pan some place - and there will be an advert for it next to it - that's fine by me - they have no say in what I write so I can remain independent.

I get some derisory amount every time someone clicks on the advert. I'm not allowed to ask you to click on any ads but if your mouse accidentally happened to hover over an ad or two from time to time I wouldn't be at all upset.

As you will see I haven't set this up yet, but it will probably have to come - merely to offset the costs of the website itself. Please bear with me - I will make it as un-gaudy as possible and let me repeat - I will never take direct advertising from anyone who would benefit from the words I write.

Loo Update

I've been checking out a couple of the more obscure loos in Greenwich - a subject close to my heart. Let's face it - no one likes those godawful supaloos they're trying to bring in these days. I passed the one at Greenwich Pier today as a lady and her small son were hanging about trying outside trying to pluck up courage o go in. My good deed for the day was to point them towards the excellent loos in the visitor centre about twenty five metres away.

But onto my loo reviews. Firstly, the seedy-looking 1940s/fifties nasties behind Discount Cycles in Rodmere St. This dark-bricked, grim-windowed gloomfest of a building is a (very) minor revelation inside. The paint inside is peeling badly beneath some seriously heavy grafitti-work but the lantern-windows in the roof make the inside very bright and it is, amazingly, scrupulously clean. All the loos have china bowls and proper seats. It is definitely not the worst I've seen by far - and a lick of paint would render them almost pleasant.


Just as grim-looking from the outside, the public conveniences in the churchyard at St Alfeges are also very clean, have china sanitaryware and proper seats. The hard, shiny paper is a hark back to the 70s but at least it doesn't remind us any more that it is council property or order us to wash our hands. It's darker inside as the daylight lanterns in the Rodmere St bogs are absent here, but again it's not as threatening or as seedy as it might look from the outside. More research will be reported later.

History Books

I love history - I have practically every history book there is about Greenwich, Woolwich, Blackheath, Deptford etc. I love 'em all - memoirs, dry monographs, exciting local reviews - you name 'em I've devoured them - yes even the one which purports to be the definitive historical guide but seems to have been written by someone (not a resident) who hates the place.

There are loads of absolutely brilliant local history books, written by people who have lived here and loved it longer than I have been alive, let alone resided in the vicinity. Which is why I'm not going to write another one. Instead, get on down to the Visitor Centre and buy a few for yourself. Support these local historians - they know their onions. Go on their walks - if they hold Greenwich Tour Guide badges they know enough to make my shaky understanding of the area collapse in thirty seconds flat. Of course some are better than others - and I will be reviewing them as I go along here. But good or bad their knowledge is generally unfaultable - their manner of imparting it is down to personal taste.

There are more being produced all the time - and often the more home-made the cover looks, generally the better the history will be - even if the writing style isn't always my cup of tea. Watch this space...

The Pepys Visitor Centre

I know, I know. Who apart from rank tourists goes to a visitors' centre?

Well, me, actually. This one is a model for how visitors' centres should be. The people behind the desk know what they're talking about, the selection of local publications both for sale and for free is excellent, and the layout is clear and uncluttered. Nobody bothers you if you're browsing the well-kept, up to date "what's on" racks of leaflets and flyers but they're helpful if you actually want to know anything.

If you go into the main part of the building there's the Old Royal Naval College gift shop which is not half bad, a small group of genuinely interesting displays and a reasonable tourist coffee shop. The loos are free and clean. I heartily recommend that you make it your first stop on arrival in town.

Why I do this

I first got the idea for this blog whilst sitting in Inside - the posh-ish eaterie near Greenwich Station. We were in the middle of getting okay-ish food and extremely indifferent service in a bland atmoshphere when a couple arrived and the place transformed.

Suddenly the music became soft, bread rolls and oil were brought and this particular couple pandered to in a way that meant only one thing. These were the 'reviewers' from a local rag - I can't say which, naturally, as I don't know - but let's face it - they're all the same.

At the risk of being EXTREMELY patronising, let me explain about 99% of local mag/paper restaurant reviews. They are what's known in the trade as advertorial, articles written about places which have already taken out advertising with the paper or magazine concerned.

Advertising is what makes these papers' worlds go round - and it would be suicide to actually give these establishments anything other than glowing reports. What usually happens is that the paper sends cub reporters who take it in turns to eat a free meal with their mate, pre-arranged so that the place can spruce itself up for the picture. Said cub reporter gets to write a nice piece about it the next week, always bearing in mind that it is more than their proverbial job's worth to write anything that might lose the paper precious ad money, and who can blame them? I did it myself when I first started out and Dick Laurie, the then-editor of that august organ The Soho Clarion and all-round-good-bloke, couldn't afford to pay me actual money - so he paid me in restaurant reviews. I literally wrote for my supper. And believe me, finding interesting things to say about Seventh-Day Adventist restaurants which are closed when most people want to eat ain't easy...

Things to look out for in Advertorial Reviews include inordinate raving about everything, and last lines which read something along the lines of "All, in all, the Blank and Blank Gastropub is a welcome addition to Greenwich's nightlife providing both fine food and a great atmosphere for all ages..." - a line straight out of the press release if ever I read one.

Other tell-tale signs include a full-page advert on the page opposite - or more mentions elsewhere in the magazine than even The Fat Duck would merit, including spurious "news" items. Ignore any claims that the reviewers are "independent." It just ain't true. Beware especially, any reviews where the person has gone on at length about the lovely decor - this means the food was rubbish and the poor sub-editor concerned has at least had enough conscience to not mention it.

I can see why the papers do it - it gets them ad money and their junior hacks - always appallingly paid, - get to eat occasionally. I can see why the restaurants do it - it gives them local advertising, editorial control and a cutting to frame in their window. I just can't see why we READERS should have to put up with it - it's worse than useless as it NEVER gives a true evaluation of a place, its food and its service and often gives a false feeling of confidence in an eaterie. It can even have the opposite effect of us not believing it when a joint actually IS good. I have refused to write such 'reviews' for years now - though I have at least been flattered to have been asked on several occasions. Until I actually get to say what I really think, I will not put my name to a review. That's what this blog is all about.

Loos in Greenwich

LOOS

I have a notoriously poor bladder - so I always like to know the location of the nearest "house of easement," as HRH Henry VIII used to call them back in the days when his chapel wasn't under 10 feet of car park ...

I avoid on principle those nasty "superloos" (of which there is one just outside Greenwich Pier next to the foot tunnel.) The only time I went in one it played "Thriller" as the rounded door slid open, revealing the innards of the bog to all and sundry around, still dripping from its routine slooshing with disinfectant. I sat there terrified for the short time I was in there, that the magic door would slide majestically open again revealing me sitting there with my knickers down.

If you're caught short during office hours, make straight for the Visitors Centre just next to the Cutty Sark. The loos are free, clean and there are enough of them, even on a busy day, to ensure a not-too long wait.

The National Maritime Museum is free - so you could nip in there - though remember to factor-in enough time to obtain the obligatory free ticket. When you've got past the ticket desk turn immediately left and the loos are pretty much in front of you. There are some more at the back, for the more advanced or less desperate.

The toilets near the car park in Greenwich Park are pretty ok, and the ones inside the Observatory are positively nice. Both are free. Round the back of the Observatory in the park, on the side of the road there are some perfectly adequate loos - again with a proper attendant.

Underneath the Painted Hall there are some lavatories in the undercroft near King William Restaurant (a Leiths restaurant which keeps singularly peculiar opening hours) and there are some loos downstairs in the Chapel - though they won't always tell you about them.

The best public toilets in Greenwich are on King William Walk. Works of municipal architectural art in themselves, these splendid mid 20th C toilets are some of the few remaining downstairs conveniences which used to populate London's streets that are still open. Kept immaculately clean by proper real live attendants and with their original (1930s? I'm not sure - any ideas, anyone?) tiling and furniture, they are a joy to use. I am not aware of any "other" uses for the Gents - but maybe someone can enlighten me (not too many details, please…)

The new picturehouse, though exemplary in practically every respect, is woefully short on loos - especially if they time the films to end at the same time. Your best bet if you're stuck at the back of a mile-long queue is to nip down the road to Cafe Rouge and sneak through to the loos there - from the entrance head right - they're at the back.

East Greenwich is rubbish for accessible public loos. If the Forum is open, the loos are open to the public, ditto Maze Hill Station. I always assumed that the public bogs behind Discount Cycles were closed but someone on this blog has told me they are unlocked from time to time - they are rank, but do the job at a pinch. Otherwise, cross your legs and nip into the teletubby Sainsburys or B&Q (at the back, near the mirrors) on the Peninsula

Greenwich is one of the coolest "uncool" places there is in London. It's not profoundly unfashionable - rather somewhere that it doesn't occur to people that there is anything more than a few museums, a nice park and the Cutty Sark. The really adventurous might know about the Trafalgar Tavern or venture out to Greenwich market on a Sunday afternoon, but essentially, Greenwich is still relatively undiscovered for one of the great regions of London.

I adore the place - but I'm not blind to its faults either. In this journal I take an affectionate but honest - at times brutally so - look, giving my own personal low-down on the things to do – and one or two of the things not to do in Greenwich.

I am being unashamedly parochial here. I will talk about the tourist sites, of course - how could I not when we have a World Heritage Site on our doorstep – but also about the things which make our town great - the little things. Interesting vistas, cool shops, bizarre novelties and quirky one-offs which make this place buzz.

Happily, the transport problems of yesteryear are remedied and Greenwich is fast catching up with the rest of London - especially now the Olympics are on their way. But with that new-found popularity comes attendant problems - over-development is threatening the old businesses and quirkiness that makes Greenwich different. High street chains are buying up the rents of the one-off stores and the universal blandness which has already hit Covent Garden and Carnaby Street looms over Greenwich like a huge Sword of Damocles.

As I write this, the Lord Hood pub in Creek Road, one of the last bastions of live music, is under mortal threat from developers - by the time this actually gets read it may be gone. The coins and medals shop in the high road has already disappeared, and the exclusive Art Deco emporium Deco Mania is going. Eagle Antiques, one of the last true junk/antique emporia is now destined to become subsumed into the restaurant next door and part of the market has already been earmarked for luxury flattery. All we can do is protest LOUDLY - and hope that somebody hears.