Oh, that Dubois of Lewisham still existed. I’m sure that the Outfitters to Gentlemen and the Sons of Gentlemen would have been only too happy to help Ruth with a small alteration issue.  She says:

I am looking for someone to alter a rather expensive coat. I don’t want to take it to just any tailor I find in the yellow pages, so I’m looking for a recommendation.

Sadly, now that the wonderful Valerie Dressmakerhas ceased trading I’m a bit stumped for truly marvellous alteration tailors. The guy who sits in the window of the excellent dry cleaners on Woolwich Road opposite Heartless East Greenwich always seems to be busy at his sewing machine, but although he once sewed up the frayed pocket of a suit jacket for me, I have no idea whether anything more complicated would flummox him or not.

Has he altered anything more specialised for you, or can anyone suggest another tailor?

Now that the sun’s finally out, and Greenwich folk are emerging, blinking into the light of day, they’re discovering the truth about some of the ghastly things that happened to their houses during the long, long winter. So I’ve put two houseproud readers together for this one, and, not having any suggestions  myself, hope you good people can help out here… 

Susan asks:

“The outside of our house needs a coat of paint and my husband is scared of heights so we really need a professional.
Can anyone recommend a good, reliable local decorator who doesn’t charge crazy prices?”

And Roofless:

“Over the winter our house lost a couple of slates. Can anyone recommend a local tiler who will just replace a couple of tiles and not try to persuade us to get the whole lot done?”

Any ideas, guys?

Having serious connection issues today so a short one. If I wasn’t terrified I’d lose internet access any second, I’d waffle on about the links Greenwich has to linoleum manufacture (a glamorous part of our past, natch…) but I am, so I’ll be quick. Angie’s looking for a floor specialist who can screed a floor and lay lino without costing the earth.

Any suggestions?

Okay – try as I may I can’t get Blogger to upload pictures this morning so the curious thing I had for you will have to wait until it starts behaving.

In the meanwhile, Kirstie, who lives on Trafalgar Road, is looking for a reliable window cleaner. I’ve been regaling her with stories about the scam-merchants who knock on the door, take your cash and clear off, but can’t actually come up with any names of the Real McCoy.

Any ideas?

A miscellany of ‘Ask the Phantoms’ this morning, folks, as once again my inbox is running away with me (not literally, of course, that would be weird…)

The first question of the day reminds me of a course that the City Lit once ran – and I was tempted to sign up for just so I could say I’d done it.

“Enjoying Carpets.” What a great course name (almost as good as ‘Throwing on the Potters Wheel,’ also running the same term. I’m guessing it was interpreting the patterns on those lovely Middle-Eastern rugs, or maybe evaluating thread-count (or is it tuft-count? See – I should have gone on that course and then I’d have known such things…) but it only ran the once, and my humming and haa-ing lost me the chance forever to enjoy carpets. I can appreciate them, but never fully enjoy them.

But back to the question. Rich, following on from last week’s discussion about cleaners, is wondering if anyone can recommend a good local carpet cleaner.

Sadly, given the state of the tuft-wear and shag-pile chez Phantom, I really can’t help, myself, so I’m throwing it open to the floor, so to speak. I know of no local carpet cleaners.

I bet that course would have told me. Regrets, regrets…

The fact that this is my most frequently asked of all my frequently asked questions must say something about how Greenwich is changing these days, though since it’s been the number one FAQ ever since I started blogging it’s nothing very new. The question?

Where can I find a reliable cleaner?

I get asked this, on average, once a month, but recently the gloom and dirt of a filthy winter has clearly become ingrained – and people have become desperate for a spot of spring cleanery. Three people have asked me in the past seven days, so I guess it’s worth having a general discussion about it.

The first thing I should say is that I can’t actually recommend anyone from experience. Whatever cleaning gets (sporadically) done chez Phantom is currently ‘in-house’ (I have a very fetching 1950s-floral print tricorn-and-pinny ensemble, just so you can picture the scene) though I can’t say that I enjoy the experience.

The Nirvana of cleaners, of course, is that jolly old soul, Mrs Mopp. The cheery cockney cliche in a turban headscarf who pops up with happy homilies and stories about a clutch of scampish grandchildren in British comedies circa 1963. She’s the career cleaner who actually enjoys being on her ‘ands and knees polishing front steps.

And they do exist. I even know some people who have one. Trouble is, once you’ve got your ‘treasure’, you’re not going to want to tell anyone about her (she is always a ’she’ in Ealing Comedy Land) in case you lose her.

So it becomes a secret as closely guarded as the Masons. People who would normally share all kinds of intimacies suddenly clam up as soon as they’re asked The Question.

Good cleaners – the ones who actually do it because it’s a viable career choice – are always booked up to the gills, which means that what’s left are either people who are doing it because they can’t find anything else, or are employed by cleaning companies, often at less-than-respectable wages.

Admittedly it was America, but I’ve been edgy about cleaning companies ever since I read Barbara Ehrenreich’s Nickel and Dimed. Of course, I’m sure British companies wouldn’t dream of treating their workers poorly or get up to the sort of scams that the American ones do (for example, if they’re running late, sometimes they just squirt the room with a very smelly polishing spray to make it smell like they cleaned it…) Perhaps someone can recommend a company that pays its workers a good wage and consistently come up with decent results for my questioners.

I get little photocopied leaflets through the door from people from time to time offering their services. They may be the treasures that everyone seeks, but their problem is that no one knows who they are. The issue being, of course (especially since the folk who want cleaners are typically out during the day) leaving a key to your place with some random person who stuck a leaflet through your door.

So what’s the answer? I don’t know. Maybe someone’s prepared to share their treasure with the good folks of Greenwich. Me, I’m just going to don that pinny and flowery tricorn and get down on me ‘ands and knees…

Laura asks:

“Can you or anyone recommend a good, trustworthy garage in Greenwich, open at weekends? I moved to Greenwich almost a year ago, so have yet had to really use any garage.

I was advised to try Kwikfit for convenience …but they are fully booked. Another recommended garage was Paul Smee in Woolwich, but he doesn’t open on weekends. I have taken my car to Universal before for a new battery, but they don’t do MOTs. Any help would be much appreciated, its due to expire on Sunday.”

The Phantom replies:

I hear good reports about Riverside Garage in Charlton – Rathmore Road, SE7 7QW, (Tel 020 8858 0041) but I don’t know if they’re open at weekends.

Maybe someone can suggest some other favourites?

Kate asks:

“I wondered if you knew of any reputable catteries/boarding kennels in or near the SE10 area? I can’t for the life of me find any and with it fast approaching the Christmas holiday season, I am beginning to panic.”

The Phantom replies:

I have never had need for such a place – and it’s such a personal thing you really do need to get a recommendation. By googling I found Sereta in Orpington, Moggie Minders in (appropriately) Catford and Canada Farm near Bluewater, but I have no personal experience of any of them.
There are various all-purpose agencies that do chores for people – everything from office filing to ironing to dog-walking – I was sent details of such a service setting up in Greenwich some time ago but I can’t for the life of me find them in the cough 248 cough outstanding emails that I haven’t dealt with yet. I’m not proud of my backlog – and I promise that I will get round to dealing with the starred mail in my inbox, guys – but for now, if the service that sent me the info cares to contact me again (I seem to remember two sisters…) then I’ll pop them up here.

In the meanwhile, all you catty/doggy people – any recommendations for Kate?

Kelly asks:

“This may seem a bizarre question, but do you or anyone else know of who would be able to replace or remodel our front steps? We live in a tall Georgian/Victorian house which has concrete steps leading from the front door down to the front path over the basement area. The steps have become quite worn over the years, to the point where we are reluctant to walk down the steps in winter!

If anyone could provide the name of a company so we can start getting quotes, I would be most grateful.”

I’m not even sure what kind of specialist would do such a thing. There are companies who replace/ repair those rather wonderful encaustic paths that lead up to so many properties in Greenwich, but for replacing stone steps – hmm.

One of these companies, London Victorian Mosaic restoration claims to do steps, but from the pics it just looks like they build them up and cover them with tiles. They also claim York stone steps, but again, from the pics they don’t look wildly exciting. It would be best to ask them exactly what they can do for you as they do seem to specialise in replacing tiles.

But there are bloomin’ dozens of stone-stepped Georgian/Victorian houses round here (some of which seem to have similar crunbly problems…) Maybe someone’s already done this legwork?

Katja asks:

“I am in a process of purchasing house in Plumstead and I am currently living in Greenwich town centre. Within few months I will need to move my stuff (some furniture, lots of books etc) to the new address in Plumstead.

Do you or anybody of the readers know good/reliable local moving company or/and man with a van that they could recommend?”

The Phantom is handing this directly over to you lot – I’ve never used a moving company (many years ago I moved student accom using a fleet of shopping trolleys, but even I admit that Greenwich to Plumstead’s a bit far for wonky wheels…)

It’s one of those interesting things to have squirrelled away though – you never know when you might need a man & van or a lady & luton (BTW – word to the wise – never use the inside lane when driving a luton through the Blackwall tunnel. Not that I’d know anything about that, no…)