Cutty Sark Ballsup

So, it would seem that it was all an accident after all. Someone left an industrial vacuum cleaner on for two days and a couple of security guards sloped off to a cafe for a kip, missing the beginning of the fire.

You can read about it here. What I wonder, though, is what will happen to the insurance money, if it can be proved that the fire wasn't deliberately started. I guess they can sue the Italian makers of the vacuum - but it could be argued that leaving in on for an entire weekend wasn't the best of ideas. The security guards could be rounded up and sent before the beak - but it's unlikely that they'd have the sort of money that the insurance would be covering.

I hope I'm worrying unnecessarily. I do a lot of that.

An Aztec Gem

Vanbrugh Hill

Here's a place you either love or hate. I'm not talking about what goes on inside, but the building itself. Where it stands now, it looks a bit incongruous as its friend, the monster that was Greenwich District Hospital, has now gone and it sits between Victorian villas and a giant hole, but it was once, not so very long ago, part of a 1970s vision.

Admittedly it wasn't a very good vision. I only know one person that mourns the architecture of that dead hospital, with its streaked grey concrete walls, forbidding brutalist walls and yellow-stained chimney. It certainly isn't me. For me that hospital, however handy practically, had absolutely nothing going for it aesthetically.

But this little building...

This building I like. Yes, it's seen better days - I'm sure when its architect drew it's "artist's impression" for the first time, it had Ancient Babylonian window boxes with cascading flowers from every level, rather than a couple of overgrown pot plants and some dead ivy, and the entrance hall is decidedly shabby. The nasty carpet tiles inside and solid concrete stairs drag it down, but just look at that exterior.

I seriously doubt the same architect who created the monstrosity next door designed this, though curiously, it's been nigh-on impossible for me to find anything out about either of the two buildings. It's as though both places have been or are to be expunged from the popular memory - as though that 30-odd years never happened. I've found NO records so far at all.

I love this building because there is something of the Aztec about it. That great stepped pyramid shape, the way it delves below street level - hell - even that service-room on top looks like some kind of ancient altar.

I'm sad that this building, I am told, is for the chop. This is one modern building I'd like to keep. Instead of pulling it down, I'd like to celebrate it. Redecorate inside; reinstate those Babylonian window boxes. Spend the cash saved on pulling it down and rebuilding on extra health services or frivolous touches. How about a reclining figure of Chris Roberts at the temple entrance, like those Mexican figures...

There are few modern buildings around Greenwich that have real architectural merit. Certainly, for me, the hospital didn't, and I'd be only too pleased to see the nasty complex in West Greenwich that houses Somerfield levelled. But I'm not one for throwing the baby out with the bathwater. This one, this one, I believe, has earned its place...

Tell The Phantom...

When Benedict sent me this pic, I thought he'd sent me one of his holiday snaps by accident - it looks like Rome or Florence or somewhere else equally exotic. It's actually the top of St Alfeges, taken this weekend at sunset and it sort of sums up the time of year we're at. Fabulous weather - the like of which we could only dream in the summer months, but the birds know better. If you look closely, the starlings are gathering. Yes - autumn is drawing in. The mornings are misty-moisty, but the afternoons are glorious. I love this time of year.

Which makes it all the more galling that your Phantom was away this weekend and missed what must have been one of the busiest bunch of fun events we've had so far this year. The Cultural Olympiad began, The London Bubble were performing, Bearspace were doing sundry exhibitions, concerts were going on all over the shop - hell - I could even have seen Charlton play for a fiver, I discover from Friday's GreenwichCard missive, which I've only just seen this morning.

Admittedly I had fun getting away this weekend, but I can't help feeling that I really missed out on good stuff back in Greenwich.

So, for a change, I'm not going to write about things I've done, but ask you what YOU did. Did you go to any of the events? Were they any good? Do you have any pics I can see?

I'd love to hear about what I missed. I like to torture myself...

More Wedding Bells

I had hoped never to have to write about wedding venues again, but Lorna's still not convinced by the Phantom Shindigs page, and I can sort of see what she means. Besides, it does give me the excuse to use this pic I took last week of a jolly mode of wedding transport outside The Trafalgar Tavern.

Lorna writes:

"My boyfriend has just (finally!) proposed, and we want to get married in Greenwich and have our reception in Greenwich too.

I've read through all the information on your site (and all sites online it seems!) about weddings in Greenwich, and I'm still a bit blurry on what we could do to make our wedding 'extra speicial'.

So I wondered if you, or your readers had any thoughts on what their idea of a perfect Greenwich wedding would be, or if they have been to an extra special wedding in Greenwich and why it was so!

So far with our venue research (the usual - Queen's House etc) we've found that the venues are WAY too prescriptive on what you can and can't do, and you have no freedom with suppliers etc. We'd ideally like a church wedding followed by a marquee in the park, but of course, Greenwich council won't allow that - but clearly the Olympics is fine! ;o)

So, any thoughts, random ideas, advice would be gratefully received!

Our only stipulations is that it's held within walking distance from Greenwich town centre and would work for around 120 guests! Winter, summer, spring, autumn all sound great to me, and I'm having HUGE problems deciding! We don't have a budget yet - so the sky is technically the limit!

I think the key is not knowing what CAN be done in Greenwich - we only seem to know what CAN'T be done!"

The Phantom agrees that many venues seem to be extremely prescriptive - it was something that came up again and again when I was writing the Shindigs page - the dreaded "allocated wedding planner," the stipulated "approved caterers" and the vast rules and regulations. Some of them I can understand - if the venue's of great historic value, for example, but most just seem to be trying to squeeze as much cash as possible from the happy couple.

I would be terrified by the thought of an alotted wedding planner - the images that dance before my eyes cow me just to think about it. And many venues don't seem to even consider giving you a quote without forcing you to go through one of these scary people. They may dress it up as 'customer service' and 'added value' but IMHO the venues have realised it's more difficult to back out after you've had a huge quote if there's a designated human who has created a wedding plan 'just for you. It would be a tough bird indeed that would happily rack up wedding planners and play them off against each other to get the best deal.

You say that you want a church wedding. It certainly ends the agony of trying to find a civil venue for the ceremony itself, which is fraught with problems - the venues have to pay so much for a licence that they often insist on your holding the reception there too - which racks up the costs. I know you say that the sky's the limit, budget-wise, but weddings are hideously, hideously expensive and people add a couple of zeros onto costs as soon as they know something's for a wedding.

You should find basic details on churches on the Shindigs page - if you're not a churchgoer at the moment, it might be worth considering attending a few services for some churches; others are less fussy.

I confess to be rather glad that Royal Parks don't allow marquees in the park - they'd be a permanent fixture, but that does mean that marquees are out, especially if you're keen for it to be within walking distance of the town centre. The only place I can think of that regularly has marquees is The Fan Museum, and that's such a pretty garden it seems a shame to stick a whopping great tent over it.

Depending on when your wedding is planned, i.e. if it's from Spring 2010, you could see at what stage the Cutty Sark will be (notwithstanding any more accidents.) I get the feeling it's going to be a stunning venue - a quick call to the Cutty Sark Trust might see you as one of the first people to use it.

My problem is that I really did rack my brains for the Phantom Shindigs page - if there are other venues within walking distance of the town centre, I don't know about them. But maybe someone else here will.

I know that it's a really special day for you, but don't get carried away, like a friend of mine, who is getting married next year. She has been planning it since last year, and every time I see her she's worrying herself to a frazzle over some detail. That's two years of agony for one day. After all, it's two people saying they want to be together for the rest of their lives. The rest is just packaging.

Comings and Goings On Trafalgar Road

Methers has just spotted the dodgy-looking bar under the Plaza looks just about to open. But will it feature the much talked-about pole dancing? It's unclear as yet.

But I have a theory. The council's so Olympics-crazy just now, I'm beginning to wonder whether they misheard when they were asked for the licence - and thought the club wanted to put on pole-vaulting. Now that would be a novel idea, though perhaps unwise in a basement...

I did note that the ex-Chinese restaurant upstairs from it is now up for sale as an 'investment opportunity' for a luxury apartment. "Plenty of wardrobe space for dirty macs..."

By the by - did anyone actually see the amusement arcade's sign before it lost half its letters - or did it always advertise AMU ENTS? I don't recall it ever having the requisite number of letters.

Methers also noted the new shop that's opened where the rudest cobbler in London Town closed a couple of months ago. I can't really tell what it sells - whether it's antiques/curios or gifts or even upmarket junk - I haven't been in yet, but the selection of phones in the window is a bit of an eye-popper, and it lends a spot of brightness to an otherwise drab row.

That shoe mender may have been the rudest man on earth, but I do now face a small problem. Where in Greenwich can you buy bootlaces these days (the sort you put in your shoes, not the sort Mr Humbug sells, natch...)

One thing's for certain. Trafalgar Road isn't sitting still. Shops are opening, even if not all of them are quite what some people would choose. La Salumeria's opening a cafe in the back; the Trafalgar Cafe is now reopened after making itself smaller (to shoehorn a flat upstairs - probably worth more than the entire business.) Maybe things are looking up?

Favourite Front Gardens (13)

We've been a bit slow on Fave Front Gardens this year - presumably the weather's not really inspired people as much as usual. But Benedict told me about one in King George Street which is as lovely as it is simple. He sent me these pics to prove it.

This little cottage could be in a little provincial town, but it isn't. It's in the centre of Greenwich and a reminder that you can get a little bit of the countryside pretty much anywhere. There are a few perennials in there, but for the show, they've concentrated on just a couple of annuals - big, floppy poppies and sweet peas, which act as a very neat 'net curtain.' A profusion of summer, to remind us that yes, we did actually get a bit of one...

More Equestrian Stuff

Laura's just sent me a link to Andrew Gilligan's feature in the Standard today about the Equestrian events at the 2012 Olympics. Just passing it on, folks...

I'm A Celebrity Get Me In Here

Ruth's got an interesting question, which I guess we've all been tempted to ask at some point. She writes:

"My mother in law has been trying to find out how people get to live in Broadbridge Close Alms Houses, in Blackheath Standard opp. Gambardella's. Or if indeed they are Alms Houses. Her mother used to work for Morden College many moons ago and she was wondering if she would be eligible for one of the places but can't find out anything about them."

The Phantom replies:

We have a wealth of almshouses in Greenwich and Blackheath, many of them absolutely gorgeous, some hundreds of years old, pretty much all of them ever so slightly secretive. Trinity Hospital and Morden College especially, seem to be from another era, behind closed doors and high walls.

But I have heard that with some at least, it isn't as hard to get in as I had always assumed. I can't remember who told me now, but the Hatcliffe Almshouses in Tuskar St, or so I understand, are relatively easy. And Queen Elizabeths Almshouses, run by the Drapers Company will consider you if you merely live in the borough or Lewisham and need a spot of help. Find them here. But Morden College? I did a little digging...

According to one of the only documents I can find on the web (loads about the history and architecture, very little about practicalities), on the Archives in London and M25 area site, the flats at Broadbridge Close are indeed one of several satellite buildings belonging to Morden College. There are also flats at Kidbrooke Grove, St Germans Place, Vanbrugh Park and Ralph Perring Court.

The original people for whom the almshouses were built were 'poor Merchants...and such as have lost their Estates by accidents, dangers and perils of the seas or by any other accidents ways or means in their honest endeavours to get their living by means of Merchandizing,' but the document goes on to say

" After World War One, a shortage of 'decayed merchants' led to further changes to membership conditions and the College now provides accommodation for women (as non resident out pensioners since 1908, and residents since 1966) and married couples (since 1951). Since 1700 more than 4,648 people have been College beneficiaries. Provision is also made for a group known as outpensioners, who do not require accommodation, but are in financial need."

I had some difficulty tracking down Morden College; not, I suspect, because it's actively trying to be secretive, just that it's not terribly web-savvy.

I eventually found its entry in the register of the Charity Commission. There is a postal address, telephone number and an email. I tried the old wheeze of using this to find the website - it's merely a reserved domain.

My suggestion would be to give them a call - the address is:

MORDEN COLLEGE
19 ST. GERMANS PLACE
LONDON
SE3 0PW

Telephone 0208 858 3365

or drop them an email - amanda@mordencollege.org

Let me know how you get on...

http://www.housingcare.org/ is another site you can try - the link's currently broken though, as I discovered when I tried to find Trinity Hospital.

The Deadly Kacia Tree Of Olde Greenwich Towne...

Benedict, you were moaning that there haven't been enough pictures recently, so this one's for you...

I was sent this fabbo comic a short while ago, (among others, all of which are wonderful) and I was put in mind of it when I was walking down Old Woolwich Road one darkening evening. There, peeping out from behind a high wall, was - OMG - surely not? The deadly Kacia Tree of Bandar!

Could it be that those lethal smells we've been blaming on the drains in Lassell St are actually - heavens - the Kacia tree itself? Or are they merely portents of what is to come when the poisonous purple plant finally blooms.

Will the vicious vegetable murder us all? Can the Peninsula Pong be traced to a backstreet in Greenwich? And does the Phantom actually wear a mauve all-in-one ensemble? Tune in next week, folks, to find out...

Cultural Olympiad

Funny - since I decided to write about how rubbish the NMM are about letting us know about stuff going on, I've received this from three different people. None of whom are actually from the museum, of course.

This Saturday and Sunday as part of the Cultural Olympiad (about which I'm not sure how I feel, but that's a discussion for another day) the NMM will host a couple of days of free arts events and workshops. I'd normally put this on the Parish News but since it's a bit late, it's here.

Saturday is Behind the Scenes at the Observatory.

Sunday is the vaguely-titled "Greenwich Lives."

Find out more about it here

Beside The Seaside

National Maritime Museum

I didn't know this was on until a leaflet fell out of my copy of Time Out. This keeps happening. It drives me nuts that I have to find out about a local exhibition through a London-wide advertising strategy, when I walk past the place virtually every day.

Admittedly once I knew about it and had already decided to go, there was a poster for the show just outside the entrance - but most locals don't make a habit of walking right up to the entrance of the museum. I know they have a limited budget - and they need to direct most of it at tourists, but it's our museum too and a poster outside the gates where people actually pass wouldn't break the bank, surely? (If there is one, I haven't seen it...)

Beside the Seaside is an exhibition of photographs in the little exhibition area that used to house the Titanic stuff. It doesn't quite deliver what it promises, but is still worth a visit, if only to see just how similar to each other British resorts looked around the turn of the last century.

The bulk of the pictures come from the Frith collection - when the company ceased trading in 1971, a large number of negatives found their way to the museum and this is an attempt to show a small fraction of them.

It's billed as "snapshots of British coastal life, 1880 - 1950," which I took rather literally - that it would actually be 'snapshots,' probably by amateurs, of holidays and fishing, piers and seaside rock, spread over that whole period.

Instead, it tends to be landscapes and portraits, almost certainly by professionals, mainly, it would seem, taken around the Edwardian period. And there's no denying it's interesting with some of the shots stunning indeed.

The pictures are grouped in geographical areas, usually one photo per resort/coastal town, and do really tell a tale of another world - grizzled fishermen mending their lobster pots, grizzled women, probably much younger than they look, gutting fish, ladies in long black skirts and crisp white blouses, gigantic hats perched on their heads, taking the sea air in groups, their nannies following at an appropriate distance with perambulators.

There is much to enjoy. I particularly liked the dapper gent in blazer and straw boater, drinking-in the exotic air at Torquay, surrounded by palm trees and cacti. And I definitely have to take a trip to Gravesend now, to find out what happened to that gigantic white castle of a building on the promenade.

There's some fuzzy footage of newsreels and a couple of train posters - presumably to keep to the promise of the period reaching to the 1950s - and a case containing some Punch and Judy puppets for no other reason than, it seems, they were worried the pictures alone wouldn't be enough of a draw.

But I don't get the feeling that hearts were particularly in this exhibition. For a subject that should be uplifting and joyful - everyone loves the seaside, don't they? - to me it has a curiously downbeat feel. It is neither a wholly photographic piece, nor a proper 'exhibit.' Was cash tight? I find that hard to believe - the NMM has to be one of the richest museums we've got. It is a temporary exhibition, of course, but it has the feel of a temporary exhibition. That it's just filling in while they're waiting for the main attraction.


And what is the main attraction? Don't ask me. You'll just have to wait for a leaflet to fall out of Time Out...

English Deli Blues

Mick asks:

"I'm looking to open an English style deli in the market sq area,but am getting problems from planners, got any advice on way forward, they think ones not wanted by locals,any help will be appreciated."

The Phantom is slightly surprised. I thought that they were desperate to open shops there, despite the big fat question mark hanging over the whole area re.development.

At the risk of teaching my grandmother to suck the proverbial, are you sure the usage of the store is allowed? I've noticed "A3 use will not be considered" on several leases there.

A3 normally refers to cafes and restaurants - the sale of food and drink for consumption on the premises - or takeaways - the sale of hot food for consumption off the premises. Perhaps you intended to sell slices of hot roast beef or have a little tearoom at the back? That could be the problem.

It's where several small cafes have fallen down - the glorious Royal Teas, for one. More recently, according to the sign in their window, the council have got sniffy about the Organic Cafe - and are forcing them to move opposite the cinema (where, frankly, I think they'll do just fine - as soon as they fix that broken window - bad luck, guys...)

It does seem that the council wants to stop cafes (although I note they don't seem to have come crashing down on any of the chains - presumably it's easier to catch the small fish) but I wasn't aware that they were preventing delis.

I guess what it would be useful to know is who these planners are. Are they Greenwich Hospital (who I presume own the shops) or the council? If it's the council, then a letter to your councillor might be a good start, asking for exact reasons - it's hard to know how to fight a vague refusal. I find their argument - that locals don't want one - fishy - I can't see tourists bringing their shopping bags ready to lug home mushy peas and Cornish pasties. Is this their written reasons?

If you're asking whether locals would want one - well - do you, guys? I think if it's well done, an English deli - especially if it includes local food, would be welcome. But that's just me...

Actually, now I can't see the signs in my head it may be that A2 use is the one that won't be considered - that's financial and professional services, including bookies (heavens) - which I would absolutely agree with. And looking at it further, it would seem that a deli, unless it served food, would count as A1 anyway.

Hell, I don't know. But I'd say the first thing you need to do is get exact reasons for their refusal in writing. You can't fight a phantom (and I should know ;-) )

Speakers Anonymous

Once again I have to apologise for the delay in replying to the post bag - it is, as always, wonderful to hear from you - but I'm getting a bit behind in replying. Sorry.

Matt has been telling me about Meridian Speakers - a local group I like the look of. They're a bunch of people who get together every other week to try to get better at public speaking.

He tells me:

"We've got a pretty diverse membership which includes people who are downright scared of speaking in public and are trying to boost their confidence, through to quite accomplished speakers (often people start off as the former and become the latter!)"

They meet upstairs at the Spanish Galleon pub and they look like they're fun. I guess you could just learn to give better presentations at work (yawn) but they look like they're something a bit more than that. I suspect some of them might end up as after-dinner speakers or even don the white tie and red jacket ensemble and become toastmasters.

They welcome guests, and tomorrow night, 23rd September, they're having their annual "Humorous Speaking Competition" between 6.45pm and 9.00pm. No need to book, you can just turn up, though I don't know whether it's all-comers for the competition. Probably need to book yourself in or something. Whatever - check them out here. Oh - and did I mention it's yet another fab FREE thing to do in Greenwich...

An Act Of Royal Vandalism

"Goodness, what a lovely ceiling!"

"That old thing? If you like it so much do take it with you, My Dear."

Don't you just find yourself saying that every time you have guests round? It's probably a good thing that Queen Anne, possibly one of the dullest monarchs and definitely the biggest Royal vandal Greenwich has known, didn't spend much time at Greenwich, or we'd have lost the walls and floors of the Queen's House too (we'll get onto the name-'em-and-shame-'em commoner vandals on other occasions). It also points to the perils of painting beautiful ceilings onto canvas and pasting them onto the roof like Orazio Gentileschi did, instead of doing it properly by spending years on your back on a scaff-tower...

I hope you lot had a more productive Open House Weekend than I did. Of the six buildings I tried to visit on Saturday, I managed just one, largely due to sodding London Transport and sodding, sodding South East Trains who between them shut most of the tube and Maze Hill and Westcombe Park and North-sodding-Greenwich, and which meant it took me nearly an hour just to get out of Greenwich.

The one I did get to, though, I have been trying to visit for months.

Marlborough House, in Pall Mall, is a lovely place. One of the few remaining early 18th Century town houses in London, it's a glorious Stuart affair, complete with extensive gardens and murals all over the place, but I can't see that it would be much diminished had it had its own ceiling, instead of nicking ours.

Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, was a feisty woman, well-versed in the politics of her age, and afraid of no one. At first, the frankly wimpy Anne was impressed with her, and they played together at being 'ordinary,' taking tea together as Mrs Morley and Mrs Freeman, and giggling at the world. I'm not sure what Anne was doing visiting Greenwich - she certainly didn't go there very much - but on one occasion she must have been accompanied by her Lady of the Bedchamber, who seemed to consider the Queen's houses as her own personal shopping mall.

Talking of the Mall, the Queen had already granted Sarah a large chunk of her grounds between the Mall and Pall Mall so that she could build herself a grand house. The piece of land didn't go quite up to Pall Mall, though, and Sarah was too mean to buy the little strip of land between her new gaff and the road, something she would regret later...

She admired the paintings on the ceiling at the Queen's House, and from what's left of them, there was indeed much to admire. Designed by Gentileschi along with Inigo Jones who built the place, they were painted in 1635, with or without (but probably without) his daughter Artemesia, and, as I mentioned earlier, painted on canvas stretched across wooden frames.

The pictures were based on a famous textbook, Cesare Ripa's Iconographia, which had models for classical designs. This particular set shows Old Testament scenes - The Finding of Moses, Joseph and Potiphar's Wife etc., a sundry group symbolising the Nine Muses and, in four separate panels the Arts - painting, sculpture, architecture and music.

I have never come across anything that was so heavily patrolled by people stopping other people taking photographs, and once they discovered my camera in the bag-search, I was a marked Phantom. No chance of a picture. I can't find one on the internet either, so you'll just have to imagine it.

But back to the Royal vandal. Anne gave the ceiling to Sarah as a gift. The canvases were ripped down and transported to Westminster where - OMG - they were too big. No one had bothered to measure them first. No problem, they thought. Better too large than too small. They just got the scissors out. The ceiling was hacked back from 5.5sq m to 4.6sq m. Bish Bosh. Tidy job, mate.

And very nice it looks too. Lots of gold and overpainting, joined by lurid paintings on the wall of an almost opposite subject - the sundry wars that the duchess's husband had been fighting in. Some of the pictures are really quite eye-popping - complete with dead bodies, the rolling eyes of horses and peasant women stripping corpses. I'm not convinced much thought went into marrying the two subjects...

Sarah and Anne famously fell out, and the Queen probably regretted giving her ceiling to the duchess. Much as the duchess must have regretted not buying that strip of land. A woman with a talent for falling out with people (she fought with Sir Christopher Wren over the building of Marlborough House and finished it herself) she later clashed swords with the Prime Minister, Robert Walpole, who cannily built the 18th Century equivalent of a tower block between her and the road...

To cover up the edges, the ceiling was heavily overpainted, and bits added and subtracted. During the 19th Century, a minor royal wallpapered over the paintings (I'm not sure whether it included the ceiling or just those scary walls) but the place stayed a house of opulence and there's no doubt about it, that ceiling does look good where it is.

But I can't help feeling it's wrong. The Queen's House always seems so - well, austere, when it shouldn't. It was designed to be every bit as fabulous as its later neighbour, the Painted Hall, and yet it is stripped. Elegant, yes, but denuded. There was a laser display panel which projected the ceiling until recently, when, presumably, it was commandeered by the BBC and redeployed for I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue...

There are two ways I can think of to see this ceiling. 1) You can become a head of state of one of the Commonwealth Countries - the building now operates as the Commonwealth Secretariat, or 2) you'll just have to wait until next Open House Day. Sorry guys...

Free Stuff Going On

I've been getting behind with the Parish News recently, guys. Much of this is down to people sending me whopping great press releases of which I can't make head nor tail, let alone cut and paste neatly. Please remember if you want me to list your event that I can't do very much with funky graphics or PDFs. It may seem to you that it looks attractive - and it does on paper - but on screen it's an awful lot of work to translate into a listing and it gets me behind.

OK - grumble over. Because I am behind, and there's good stuff going on over the next week or so, I thought I'd mention my favourites.

1) I already mentioned this - but the London Bubble are doing some incredible spectaculars called Urban Dreams over the next week or so. They reach Cutty Sark Gardens next Sunday.

2) This weekend 20th/21st is Open House Weekend. I singularly failed to get any of our favourites opened, I'm afraid, folks, but I'll keep trying for next year. In the meanwhile there's other exciting places being opened free all over the capital.

3) The Mish Mash band - a local blues outfit - will be playing from 3.00pm at the Star & Garter next Sunday 28th.

London Bubble - Down But Not Out

Folks - things Chez Phantom are getting complicated, and I'm not going to make this one - but I really feel you should know about it.

Remember back to February when the Arts Council decided to pull funding from the London Bubble Theatre Company because - well, as far as I can see it wasn't enough up its own arse? We all feared the distinctive theatre was going to become extinct.

But no. They've rallied round. They received interim support from the Arts Council - and some more cash from Southwark (nothing from Greenwich, I note) and, although they've had to slice away at jobs and the park programme seems to be dead, they're coming up with other shows, one of which is happening over the next week or so.

I have absolutely no idea what Urban Dreams will entail, but with Jonathan Petherbridge at the helm, you can guarantee that it won't be what anyone expects anyway. Masks puppetry, projection and music - plus 150 Londoners. It might be rubbish. But it could just be really good.

It's certainly free. And you don't have to book. So if you're looking out of your window this evening and thinking you'd like to go out, hotfoot it down to the Laban Centre for 7.30pm. And if that's too far for you to go, it will reach Cutty Sark Gardens next Sunday 28th. Find more details here.

Oh - and if you make it do let me know what you think...

Queen Elizabeth's Car Booty Sale

Avast! 'Tis International Tark Like A Poirate Day once more.

Ye land-lubbers at Greenwich saw their fair share of Pirates, usually hanging from ye yard-arm, or from the cages at Execution Dock. But Britain, being a nation of crusty old sea dogs, has always had an uncomfortable relationship with piracy.

Although Piracy was, of course, 'illegal,' the edges were blurred. Queen Elizabeth I strung pirates up for attacking her ships, and the ships of her citizens, but if those vessels belonged to other nations, preferably those she was on poor relations with at the time, she turned a blind-eye. Attacking any ships from countries she was on open hostility with was postively encouraged. And the boundary between private vessels and the Royal Navy seems slender at best.

By 1592 it was Open Season on the Spanish, and the amount of booty that had been plundered from sundry galleons was getting frankly embarrassing. Treasure was building up at an alarming rate. Drake, Frobisher and Hawkins, all of which I'll get onto on another day, and who were arguably some of England's greatest pirates (ok, ok, "privateers") were hauling 'em in so fast that they just didn't know what to do with all the plunder.

Things reached a head when Raleigh* brought in a giant Portuguese carrack (think of those classic 'ships' you see in kiddies' story books - and you'll have it...) among other ships, called the Madre de Dios. It came into Dartmouth and its haul was so enormous, it was the talk of England. Here's some of the booty:

• Chests of jewels
• Chests of pearls
• Chests of gold and silver
• Chests of amber
• Rolls of exquisite silks
• Chests of perfume
• 45 tons of cloves
• Fine tapestries,
• 35 tons of cinnamon
• 3 tons of mace
• 425 tons of pepper
• 3 tons of nutmeg
• Chests of benjamin, ambergris and musk (bases for perfume made from - well - you really don't want to know...)
• 25 tons of cochineal
• 15 tons of Ebony
• Chests of porcelain
• Chests of ginger

plus all sorts of strange items such as quilts, diapertowels (heavens) elephants' teeth and drugs.

In other words, the sort of haul to make a man proud to be a cutpurse.

Queen Elizabeth may have had more jewels than she could shake an ostrich-feather fan at, but she was always on the lookout for more. She allowed privateering, as long as she got the lion's share of the treasure. Problem was, this massive haul was in bloomin' Dartmouth - in the Wild West of her realm, and she was in Greenwich. Somehow she had to get her booty to where she could flog it off for hard cash.

The sailors on board had already filled their voluminous pockets, and every thief, highwayman, cutpurse and wheeler-dealer in the land had flocked to the place, in preparation for a massive haul. When she had been brought into dock, Raleigh reckoned the Madre de Dios was worth half a million; by the time he had fought off the brigands (and his own sailors) it was about £140,000. Still not a bad day's work, and Elizabeth was rubbing her hands...

Robert Cecil was sent down to record and direct the treasure being moved. He was so suspicious that he stopped everyone he met along the way and sniffed their bags to check they hadn't pinched any perfume. Several smelly-bag owners were sent to the Tower.

Although Cecil was beaten in the race to get there before the town was tipped off, he was largely unexpected and an outraged Cecil caught several shop owners red-handed, openly flogging the plunder that had been pinched on behalf of Her Majesty.

Hell - even the chest-sellers were having a good time.

No one was allowed to leave Dartmouth and Cecil arrested two dodgy innkeepers, a move that it was reckoned would have saved twenty thousand quid if he'd done it a week earlier. At another place he discovered a golden amulet and a fork and spoon set in crystal, which he popped in his pocket 'for the queen...'

Give or take the gold, he hated his stay in Dartmouth. He reckoned he never met fouler weather, more desperate ways, nor more desperate people "As for rats," wrote his secretary dismally, "they have them both black and white, the drink smells like smoke and he has little provision."

It took ten freighters to take the haul up the Thames, and that was after the lighter and more valuable stuff had been taken out and transported by land. London was in one of its periodic plague times, so everything was brought to Greenwich, where Elizabeth held a giant car-booty sale in the palace grounds.

The Sarf London dockers were made to wear special canvas doublets with no pockets when unloading the gear.

I suspect that no table top, car boot or jumble sale like it has been seen since. I wonder what they got for the twenty-two thousand papal indulgences intended for the guilt-ridden conquistadors in South America that were captured from a Spanish ship at the same time...

*Raleigh was in disgrace at the time, having married without the Queen's permission, so he was keen to make a good impression...

Party On, Dude...

...but at Matalan? Who'd have believed it.

People who know me find it highly amusing that the only chain I actually miss in Greenwich is the very wonderful Woolworths. I have always loved Woollies - ever since I was a kid - the pick & mix racks, the plastic picnicware, the chart CDs, the toys, the mop-and-bucket sets...

I can't really explain why Woollies garish strip lighting, bright colours and cheerful tat have always held an almost mesmeric attraction for me - and let's face it, I'm alone in this. Hell - the store announced £100m losses only yesterday as it slipped further in the public's affections.

OK - They've made mistakes - remember when they tried to go up market a few years ago with 'designer' chocs and celebrity cappuccino-whisks? No? Nor does anyone else. But I still have a soft spot for Woollies and my mates always know where to find me if I go missing in a strange town...

But - well, we haven't got one and that's that. I have to go to Eltham or Lewisham if I want a Woolworths fix. In a jam, Wilkinson will do - in fact, even for die hard Woolworths fanatics like me Wilkinson is beginning to represent what Woollies used to be, but there ain't one of them in Greenwich either.

Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest. And I am receiving therapy for this embarrassing affliction. But there is a reason why I'm wittering on about Woollies. Because that's where I used to go to find bargain party stuff. I remember a couple of years ago trudging to Lewisham and buying a charming string of pumpkin Halloween fairy lights, that looked from a distance like a row of orange lollipops. I may even still have them. There's therapy for that too.

But I have found a pretender to the party-throne.

Some clever person at Matalan - purveyor of cheapo clothing that falls apart the day after you buy it - has hit on the perfect product. Party stuff that dresses your home, your kids and yourself, which doesn't matter if it falls apart the day after you use it.

The section started out small, with just a few balloons and paper chains, then it got in banners and a couple of hats. Since then it has been slowly getting bigger and bigger over the past few months.

Now it's pretty large, selling happy-tat to decorate your home in any style you like. 70s disco? No problem. Western Saloon? It's yours. Haunted house? We aim to please.

Large paper posters that give the impression of panelled rooms or cacti, a graveyard or a princess's castle. Lanterns to hang from the ceiling. Balloons a go-go. Costumes (albeit not of the very top quality and mainly of the 'sexy witch/nurse/cheerleader' variety) for adults and children (less sexy for the kiddies, thank god) accessories that outshine the pathetic selection in Angels (which I was in yesterday but will not bother with again - now there's a place that doesn't care about its customers - rude, unhelpful staff, piss-poor selection (no better than Matalan and very much of the Smiffy-sort) and outrageous prices - avoid them, guys...) cards, badges, party poppers, make up, wigs - you name it.

Turnover is fast, so don't count on any particular thing being there when you go. At the moment, it's all Halloween stuff - loads of frankly horrid gore and unidentified plastic creatures with red lighting-up eyes - perfect for scaring the kiddies - I assume that as Christmas approaches, different fancy-dress stuff will supplant the horror. But I first noted this section back in May - so I think it's going to be permanent.

I don't know whether it's a general thing with all Matalans or whether the buyer at the Charlton store is some kind of genius, but this to me is a great first-stop if you're having a party. You MAY end up trekking into town for that extra-special piece of sparkly rubbish - but, if you're having a bit of a do, do check at Matalan first. What it loses in quality, it makes up for in fun.

For somewhat better quality I'll be looking at Prangsta another day...

Syral UK - You Heard It Here First, Folks...

I have received the following from someone calling themselves only "The Mole." Take special note of the last paragraph...

(The company is) "currently Syral UK, originally Tunnel Refineries - taken over by Amylum, taken over by Tate & Lyle, sold to Syral (last year) part of the Tereos group.

(It's a) plant processing wheat flour into starch, wheat proteins and glucose syrups, there is also a distillery (opened by Dennis Thatcher, no less) attached, manufacturing pure alcohol for the drinks industry. (Beefeater Gin, for one - TGP)

Appreciate these many chemical processes cause many interesting and varied smells. But many steps had been taken over the last few years to address the problem.

Anyhoo, the fact of the matter is that most of the products we make are in direct competition with yer bog standard sugar. The price of sugar until recently was fixed artificially high with all kinds of EU subsidies etc, which have now been been reduced hence the price of sugar falling. Couple that with our costs rapidly going up with the spiralling cost of wheat (our basic building block) and increasing energy costs. It wasn't looking good. In addition, under the ownership of Tate & Lyle, little or no investment was made. It has now reached the point where the plant is almost falling apart and needs major investment to rectify. Syral own around another 5 units in Europe, making similar products, none of which are running to full capacity - lack of demand etc.

So it looks like they've chosen the Greenwich site for the chop and supply customers from
the continent. Don't think being situated next to one of the most god awful traffic bottle necks in the country helped either.

As I said before, on Thursday it was announced that we had a max of 12 months left (various legs of the production could be wound down sooner). Like you and others, I'm still surprised no official announcement has been made - nothing on the internal web site either. They are now entered into negotiations with the unions in order to bash out redundancy packages etc etc. Apart from that it's business as usual.

Another interesting fact is that we actually rent the land off Morden College, and think it is stipulated that the land must be returned back to the flower strewn meadow it probably once was."

So, there you have it, guys. The only information I've been able to find out (and, indeed, as I have heard from others in more of a position to be able to discover stuff like this, that anyone has been able to find out.) I wouldn't hold your breath for the flower-strewn meadow, but hey - it's a thought...

Nosey-Hole at the Cutty Sark

Folks - Simon's told me about a brand new viewing window at the Cutty Sark. It's on the west side, in the middle, and it's not always open - I went there on both Friday and Saturday specifically looking for it and couldn't find it, but the door was open today. It's the white door right in the middle of the blue wall.

The door goes through to a teeny tiny shop with the usual tea towels, kiddies' t-shirts and a really rather nice-quality model of the ship at the astonishing price of £9.99 (British-made too...) and a big glass window, through which you can spy - well - not very much, as yet. The wraps are still firmly on, and all you can really do is spot intriguing movement from behind the tarps, but as the work goes on, and the sheeting comes off it will get more interesting.

As will Simon's own webcam, from which I pinched the above pic (hope you don't mind, Simon...) He lives in the flats opposite and has most generously set up a 24-hr camera so that we can watch proceedings without actually being there. At the moment it suffers from similar problems to the viewing window - those tarps are fairly impermeable to the naked eye, but as soon as they're off, it will be great.

My favourite bit is the first FAQ -

Q: "All I can see is a grey blob! What's wrong?
A: There's a pigeon on the window sill.

Rock on, Simon. Thanks for sharing the view...

The Victoria - A Sad Sight

I know nothing at all about this (very) dead pub on Woolwich Road in Charlton, but it makes me sad every time I see it. It was clearly once a thriving place - when the docks and factories were working flat-out. Money had clearly been spent on it - the decoration, though shabby now, is still pretty ornate.

At a guess I'd say it was late Victorian - which would tie in with the industry in the area, and, judging from the abrupt way in which its walls end, it was probably surrounded by terraced houses. Were they destroyed in the war, perhaps? Or did they just go when the place was cleared for - well - nothing much, really. There are whole swathes of post-industrial Charlton that have nothing at all on them.

(Once again, last night, as I was walking past the fire station a little closer to Greenwich, I peered through the holes in the high walls surrounding the two-odd acres that are home only to buddliea trees and abandoned shopping trolleys. My usual fantasy of creating a herb farm within those walls danced about my head, though I confess I have no real intentions in that direction. Anyone fancy starting Charlton Herbery?)

But back to the Victoria. I have a horrible feeling that this is a gonner. There are giant holes in the fabric of the building that would make it hugely expensive to repair, and without the custom to keep it open (it's opposite Maryon Park and close to the Thames Barrier, but as for much in the way of housing that would provide 'regulars,' it's pretty much on its own) I can't see anyone coming up with that kind of cash. It's a cute late Victorian pub - but I suspect that no one would argue it was unique.

I truly hope I'm wrong. I love this building - especially the enormous spread eagle that holds up the corner - and I would love to see something 'nice' happen to it (I'd even happily accept luxury flats) - but time is definitely running out for this one...

Greenwich Wheel

Looking back through the last few posts I've realised I'm in danger of turning into the Phantom Grouch, so today, I'm only going to post things I like.

So - for starters, if you haven't been down to the Greenwich Wheel yet, and you happen to hold a GreenwichCard (if you don't, why not? These things cost a couple of quid and pay for themselves very quickly indeed) you can get two-for-the-price-of-one on Mondays - so try to get down there today. The rest of the time you get 10% off with a Greenwichcard.

I have no real idea why the Wheel doesn't seem to have been very popular (I may be wrong, but whenever I pass it there seems to be virtually no one on board.) It's a great ride, with fantastic views. Perhaps it's the combination of the bog-awful weather we've had this year and the fact that its big brother is just down the road. I guess if you're a tourist and you're only going to take one Big Wheel ride, you're going to choose the Eye. Other places that have had a Ferris wheel - like Manchester and York - don't have the choice.

If you ask me, after the fight they had to put this on, and after what can only be so-so returns, I doubt the wheel will be back, much as I would welcome it with open arms (and as for it being an eyesore - I think it's beautiful, especially when it's lit up at night.) So if you want to see Greenwich from above, with the wonky ORNC building, the views of Vanbrugh Castle, the Observatory etc, then don't count on the viewing room at Borough Hall being open in the near future while that nasty management company's in charge. Get down to Cutty Sark Gardens fast. It's only on until September 28th.

With a bit of luck the sky will be a bit less threatening than when I snapped this...

Does This Stink? Or Not?

Folks, a curious comment on an old post has got me intrigued and I can't work out what I think about it.

From an internet search I cannot find out anything as to whether this is true (how come the sort of info I want to find out never seems to be on the 'all-knowing' net?) I've checked the business pages, the company's web page, the lot - but no dice so far.

The anonymous commenter (so I can't even email to get more details) is an employee at the factory that is, for most of us, the bane of our lives. The factory that dispenses all manner of bizarre odours from tall chimneys and giant vats. I am told it's Amylum UK, a subsidiary of Tate & Lyle, a refinery that makes ingredients for all manner of unlikely products, and we have moaned long and hard about the frankly weird smells that emanate from behind those high walls. Sometimes they're yeasty and malty - and not bad at all; other times they are frankly eye-wateringly horrid. It must depend on whatever they're refining that day and the wind direction.

So. Onto the comment. This employee told me that they were told yesterday that the plant is to close - that it will be gone completely by this time next year. I have no reason to think that anyone would make up something so random, so I'm running with it being true.

First thought. Fantastic - no more disgusting smells hanging over Greenwich on a still day.

Second thought. The poor sods who work there are just about to lose their jobs, in a climate that by next year could be a hell of a lot worse. I can't imagine they'll all want to go and work at Happy Land in the O2.

Third Thought. What does this mean for Greenwich as a whole? Its industrial history may not be the most glamorous part of Greenwich's past, but it is an important and a relevant one. Greenwich as a place of making things is, perhaps, a microcosm of Britain as a whole. Our industry is going, being replaced by services. Our individual shops are going, being replaced by chains and estate agents. Our places of work are going, being replaced by luxury flats. Our docks are going, being replaced by more luxury flats. Our pubs are going, being replaced by - well, you guessed.

Are we ok with that? Are we happy that we are turning into a dormitory and/or a tourist trap?

I was under the impression that that particular slot of land, along the west side of the peninsula, had been set aside as for industrial/dock/port use. Is this to change? Will the closure of Amlyum see the opening of a new business (hopefully less smelly - just because it's industrial doesn't mean it has to stink...) or will it become another 'riverside opportunity' with 'fantastic views' for the developers?

I should be delighted at this comment. I'm not convinced I am...

What do you think?

Favourite Front Gardens (12)

Well - not quite - but at the moment it is someone's front garden - though it's possible it will be available to all soon.

I've been watching the former graveyard at Devonport House for some months now. It always used to be (and frankly, still is at the moment) a case of having to sneak around the back if you wanted to get a closer look at the few monuments that still exist there (most were moved to the charming East Greenwich Pleasaunce in mid Victorian times.)

It was, I confess, with mixed emotions I saw paths and fences spring up in the grounds, in preparation for opening them to the public. Obviously, it will be nice not to have to tiptoe about getting muddy boots and risking a ticking-off just to take a peek at Admiral Hardy's Tomb and, I'll give them their dues, they've done it really well - with little avenues of baby box which will knit to form low hedges and areas of long grasses and wavy flowers.

But part of me rather liked the fact that there was a little wild-ish area in the middle of Greenwich, a secret area, despite the fact that it was almost entirely on view to the world, but somehow still remained invisible because it was behind railings. I liked the lush green grass, growing right up to the monuments, the peaceful 'forbidden' air that made sneaking-in a delicious challenge.

What has been created is lovely, I'll grant you. It's tasteful and elegant - and I look forward to wandering through the grounds. It also has the added bonus of softening the somewhat severe brickwork of Devonport House.

But it's also losing something, IMHO. OK, this was hardly a wilderness - the grass was cut and there was never any chance of it being neglected. But it was somewhere that needed a second look - that didn't yield up its charms to every visitor that walked past.

Now it's safe. We have wide (albeit lovely) paths, sensible (charming) streetlights and sturdy (elegant) railings around each monument. It's well done. But would I have swapped its former secluded peace for the chance to have another formal gardens? I just don't know.

Of course at the moment, it's the worst of both worlds. The taming has been done, but we still don't get to wander the paths in what little watery sunshine that remains to us. I've checked the Cathedral Group website, also the rather dull Devonport House site but I can find no reference to the grounds at all, though there's a large-enough banner proclaiming that they're creating space for the people...

I'm wondering if it's some Section 106 agreement - it had to be done - but nothing was said about actually ever opening it.

What do you think? Am I just being a miserable old Phantom? Do you welcome a new park - or are you like me, secretly rather fond of a place you could see, but not actually visit - but that retained a quiet that was somehow away from the hustle and bustle of central Greenwich. And does anyone have any idea whether or not this will ever be opened? If it's going to be tamed we might as well have the use of it...

The Great Coronation Day Mystery

Dave's lived in Greenwich all his life and he's recently been raking through a box of old family photos to send to the obligatory cousin-who's-doing-the-Family-Tree.

Presumably, if Dave's is anything like my family's box of un-albumed pictures,the entire collection will consist of fuzzy, unlabelled snaps of elderly ladies in thick glasses, enormous baggy dresses and sensible shoes, wearing black felt hats in the middle of summer and sitting in the back garden of god-know's-where scowling at the camera with an ice cream, or skinny blokes wearing vests, shorts and tennis shoes, balancing a ball on their noses and pulling a funny face, hastily scribbled on the back "Uncle George, on leave from Korea, '52." Who the hell is Uncle George? No one knows.

In fact I have a theory that nobody's 'box of family photos' actually belongs to their own family, that they all got swapped during a giant game of pass-the-parcel in 1967 and that what we have in our lofts actually belongs to a totally different bunch of people.

But back to Dave. He's found the photo above - or at least part of it - and he's wondering whether by any remote chance, anyone actually has a complete version. As you can see, it was a professional shot done by Nelson Studios of a street party held for the Coronation in 1953, taken in Pelton Road. Dave's circled himself - and remembers that the kid laughing next to him was his pal Lawrence Parsons. Dave's mum's on the far right.

He's managed to track down a descendent of the owner of Nelson Studios (originally in Nelson Road) - in Canada - hooray for the internet, but he's had no luck with the pic. It's a tall order, asking you guys, but stranger things have been known...

More Pelton Road pics coming our way soon, courtesy of Dave, when I'll be looking more closely at the history of the estate...

A Tragic Tale of Unpunctuality

"She is the Eighth Wonder of the World," breathed a breathless courtier as Lady Arbella Stuart passed before the group of virile young swains, a vision of loveliness and heaven.

"Keep away from her, man," growled another. "She's already done for Raleigh."

"'Tis true. The great buccaneer and seaman, Sir Walter Raleigh currently languishes in the Tower for trying to put her upon the throne in a papish plot against the King," murmured a third, expositionally.

"Ay, but she is a beauty." Will Seymour insisted. "Did ye see her in that Johnson's play..."

"...Masque of Beauty. I was next to you, you dolt. You were slobbering like a calf."

All eyes rested upon the ravishing girl in question, giggling with the queen and her women, a flurry of silk and velvet, veils and simpering. Will sighed.

"Why Ambassador, you are truly spoiling us," twinkled Lady Arbella, tapping the dashing Spaniard lightly with her fan and glancing saucily across at the group of admiring courtiers. "You delay your return to Spain merely to bring a great store of fripperies for us. Heavens! Gloves - hawks' hoods - leather - perfume - small cheap chocloate balls wrapped in gold paper - goodness! Do you mean to flatter the ladies or," she darted a sideways glance at Seymour, "emasculate our men?"

Lord Dewsbury scowled. "She's forbidden fruit, Seymour. Keep your hands away from that one."

Will Seymour's pounding heart and burning loins simmered quietly. He knew the King was ill at ease with this stunning young girl - so close to the throne, so dangerously Catholic. But so far she had shown the King no disloyalty. He could do nothing but watch and wait.

*

"Your highness. They have been seen again, walking in the grounds," whispered a nervous courtier. "It is rumoured she has even dropped her hankerchief and he has picked it up for her. It is said they are secretly married at Greenwich Palace-"

"Enough," roared the King. "I will not support such outrage in my kingdom. To the Tower with the scallywag! And as for her - she is to be locked in her room. I will not have handkerchiefs dropped willy-nilly in my own country!"

*

"My dearest Lovey-Dovey," wrote Seymour, from a not-terribly-well-guarded prison cell. "Let us fly tonight. I have secured the assistance of my lackey who will lie convincingly tucked-up on my meagre pallet in my stead. I will don his filthy rags and excape this pestilent place. You, my darling Fluffikins, must disguise yourself as a gay young gallant. No - not a word of dissent, my bunny-wunny. You have the legs for it - not a soul will penetrate your cunning disguise. I will meet you at Greenwich, where, under the very shadow of the ancient palace walls, daring sailors congregate to assist offenders to escape the King's dominions to The Continent!"

"Oh, My Lady," Lady Grey (no, not that one) Lady Arbella's closest confidente clucked. "'He is such a brave young man - but you, my dove. I fear for you. You are such an innocent young* thing-"

"Just get the seams straight on these hose, will you. And does my bum look big in these puffy pants?"

"But My Lady - you must make sure you have everything. I have made a checklist... Bodices, Gloves, Shoes, Sun Tan Oil, Flip Flops..."

"Heavens, Cathy, I shall be late!"

"...a good book, beach ball, bucket and spade..."

"Cathy!"

As she thundered through the night towards the walls of Greenwich Palace, Lady Arbella, had a horrible sinking feeling. Had she turned off the gas? Better go check.

"I'm sorry M'Lady. He thought you weren't coming. He's been gone these past two hours. He left this note."

My Darling Poopsy, I will meet you at Dunkirk. In haste, Flopsy.

"Cathy - change cloaks with me. In this amazing disguise I will fool the lightermen and escape to the bark bound for France."

*

"Your Majesty. I have discovered a plot. The Lady Arbella and that confounded