The Femur of Doom

You know I’ve walked past this funny little building hundreds of times – but it was only – well July, actually (I’m a bit behind…) that I stopped to actually look at it and wonder what the hell it is.

It looks like some kind of porter’s lodge – but it’s a real fur-coat-and-no-knickers kind of a place. A fantastic facade with strong pillars either side and a studded arched doorway – but as soon as you’re not looking at it completely head-on, it goes back to being good old-fashioned bricks. There’s an unexciting window at the back, through which you can just about make out the back of a wooden piece of furniture.

But it can’t be a porter’s lodge. It’s nowhere near the entrances – which have their own lodges (with inexplicably-placed chimneys – but we’ll come onto that another day.) It’s definitely seen a LOT of use – just look at that entrance step – that stone’s had a lot of footfall. And it’s near the old brewery – but not near enough, I’d guess, for it to have been connected. It also has its own TV security camera. Someone is watching…

And here is why.

It’s actually been deliberately designed to be so exposed that no one actually sees it – we all gaily walk past on our way to bigger and seemingly better things – when this is the real heart of the Old Royal Naval College.

If the uninitiated were to walk in – a lost tourist, for example – they would see nothing but an empty room. But woggle the door studs in the correct order to unlock the secret code and upon opening the door, the member of the Secret Order of The Unholy Ox-Bone, dedicated to the unwholesome worship of the viking that slew St Alfege, will see a trapdoor open to reveal a series of ancient stone steps leading into the bowels of the old palace of Placentia.

A long, perilously dark and dank passageway leads to the ancient Great Hall, rediscovered by members of the Order in 1852, and used for secret rituals invoking the spirit of the Great Trog to help retrieve the terrifying Femur of Doom, which, according to legend, has the power to bring forth the Apocalypse. It was also used for office Christmas parties during the Blitz.

Of course I’m fantasising. What it really is is the portal to Town Centre headquarters of the Greenwich branch of Torchwood.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

One Comment to “The Femur of Doom”

  1. Anonymous says:

    it was a bunker during the war the doors open up & you go straight down some stairs to a large underground room with a couple of smaller rooms off of them.