Greenwich Film Unit

"Greenwich. Could be Bloody Anywhere..."















Like my suggestion for a catchy new slogan for the Greenwich "Film Unit?"


It's a funky name - no one would ever guess it was just a local government department. I wonder if the people who work there lord it over the other employees who work in, say, the parking shop upstairs at Peggy Middleton House...

I can just imagine them now, swanking into an industry party and schmoozing - the conversation might go like this:

1st Cool Meeja-Type with Square Glasses: "So - what do you do then?"

2nd Cool Meeja-Type with Square Glasses: (proudly) "I work for the Film Unit"

1st CMTWSG: "Oh yeah? Haven't seen you round Wardour St before..."

2nd CMTWSG (mutters something)

1st CMTWSG: "Sorry - didn't quite catch that.."

2nd CMTWSG: (coughs) I erm, work for um, Greenwich Council actually. (hurriedly) The Film Unit, natch..."

1st CMTWSG wanders off, looking for someone who actually works in the film industry...

Of course, I think it's a great idea to use Greenwich borough as a giant film set. It is, after all, a varied borough that has so many different aspects that you're bound to able to find somewhere that looks a bit like the place you want. A canteen on an oil rig, anyone? An American Naval college? Prague? No problem, Sir.

I am delighted that every time our borough gets used as someone else's background, our council tax gets supplemented. But by how much? And is it actually worth it?

A browse around Greenwich Council's film unit site will give you some idea of what they're offering to companies - including many empty buildings. WHY are they empty? Why aren't they being used? Some of these are residential houses - and quite-nice-looking ones too, which I suspect the council's own overstretched housing department might be intrested to know about...

It reads pretty desperate in places - playing "yes men" to anything a film company might demand - and believe me, they demand. You want to take over all our facilities? No problem. You want to suspend parking everywhere? Of course, Sir. A night shoot? We'll deal with the residents...

The fees seem ridiculously low, when you consider that these are multi-million dollar budgets we're talking about. Ok - the bottom end prices will be for photo-shoots and charity-cases, but even top-whack just doesn't seem very much. Is it really worth it for all the disruption and mess? I've worked on occasion for The Film Industry (note capital letters) and I can tell you - they don't give a damn about other people's lives or property.

Features. TV. Documentaries. Adverts. Music Videos... The list goes on and on.
Patriot Games. Tombraider. Portrait of a Lady. Dirty Pretty Things. About a Boy. The Four feathers. The Mummy Returns. American Girl.

I guess it's mild fun to spot the location as you're sitting in the cinema, especially given that they do their best to make us believe we're looking at anywhere else other than Greenwich. The council's argument for spending all that cash on having a Film Unit at all is to encourage business (paying bugger-all for the privilege, though I guess the local greasy spoon might sell a couple of extra bacon rolls) and tourism. Who's going to look at a film set in Prague and think "You know, I really fancy a holiday in South East London...?" And if they're trying to "promote the borough," they're not doing it very well - I asked the director of one of the very few movies actually set in Greenwich whether he'd used the GFU and he hadn't even heard of them.

When are we going to let Greenwich be - well - Greenwich? Layer Cake, Elizabeth, Popcorn and A Clockwork Orange (sort of but not really.) Oh - and Death in Greenwich, of course. Can anyone else suggest any other mainstream movies actually SET in Greenwich?

So - Greenwich Film Unit. A department I view with equal quantities of curiosity, derision and yet a strange sort of benevolence. Let's face it. It's not easy being cool when you're in local government.

I'll live with Greenwich Film Unit for now. I just wish they would show a little more dignity on the website. Respect is not something that the media gives out lightly and sucking up only makes it kick you harder.

Oh - and in case you're tempted by the idea of registering your house as a potential film set. Don't. Please don't. You will just end the relationship feeling used and dirty...